No Title Can Explain This

I’ve been thankfully very busy the last couple of weeks. Mostly because I can’t stand being at the DV Shelter…yes I am still there. I refuse to give up. I deserve the same services as any other Hispanic woman and I’m not giving up.

In the time since I last wrote

• One non Hispanic women leave (and go back to her husband) because of the bullying from the one resident.
• Lost our heater in our apartment (Non-Hispanics are not housed in the same place as the Hispanic women.) Only got the actual heater fixed because we complained so much.
• One of my roommates left for anther shelter because she couldn’t take it & went to a different DV shelter.
• Anther of my roommates was falsely accused of making threats against the bully
• Didn’t have a bathroom of our own for three days

…and I had to sit outside in the freezing cold at night at a fast food joint near my day job to work (2nd virtual job.) I was told that if the mom wants to let her child be destructive and offensive to the other residents that is her right and only the residents can ask her to allow it. But then when my roommate did she was accused of threatening her.

The good news is that the bully is gone. The sad news is that the new resident is drinking Vodka in her room…she’s Hispanic so it’s ok.

She’s young, drinks, and barely pays attention to her toddler; treats her more like a toy than a child. Plus she talks and texts with some guy and the very next day she came to the shelter she told this guy where she lived. All the things we were told would get us kicked out…she’s still here.

I’m being stubborn. No non-Hispanic woman has ever gone to transitional housing from here since I’ve been here – none. We deserve the same services as they do. My roommate left because they wouldn’t help her find transitional housing that wasn’t really just a homeless shelter. They tried that one on me as well. Thankfully one was too far to get to work and the other was too close to my ex.

My latest roommate now also sees what is really going on. She didn’t really believe what our (previous) roommate and I told her when we advised that she be her own case manager and find help herself, now she does. She’s working with an outside agency that is working with her to move her forward.

What am I going to do? I don’t know. I just started working both jobs and I have lousy credit. I have a cell phone to pay and I need a new laptop (I really do.) Should I just quit and move to a different city and start all over at a different DV Shelter? Not what I really want to do but I don’t know. This place is wearing me down.

Selfish

Huge amounts of food has been going missing and residents such as myself are getting less and less. 3 huge packs of sandwich lunch meat and a 40 hot dog pack went missing only 4 days have it was purchased.

Yesterday the DV Shelter bought a big box of fresh vegables and fruit.
Today all but a small container of grapes is left.

The selfish soon to be ex denit's wife has been taking the food and storing it in her room and probably her car. We told one of the staff members but I won't be surprised if yet again, nothing is done about it. All two other residents and I are left with to eat is canned food, condiments, a couple heads of lettuce and macaroni cheese...which I can't eat. Tomorrow is grocery day again and I have no doubt that will change.

...and as I type this the little girl is "playing" rough. Full out punching the older boy with all the strength she has... But it's only playing and mom is ok with this. Anyone wondering why we live in such a violent world?

Assumptions

When we first met, I didn't assume you were the maid simply because your Hispanic. So don't assume because I don't have a child to care for that I will and should clean up after you and your child. 



Annoyed

I continued to be amazed that some women who come to DV Shelters do not understand that they should clean up not only after themselves but share in the responsibilities of caring for the place that is providing FREE housing, utilities and food. Is it really too much to ask that you mop at least every other day? Or wipe down the counter and tables?

I really honestly don't care that your husband that you left because he was abusive is a doctor. You didn't bring a maid with you so learn to clean up and take a fair share.

:/

Visualizing It

Things have been steadily non-chaotic; which is great but doesn’t leave a lot of room to write about and make it sound interesting. My back is steadily healing as I’m spending a little part of each day walking. I’m also spending at least 1 day at the beach for 45 minutes to an hour walking through the waves as a resistance walk to strengthen muscles.

I'm really enjoying my time at the beach alone. Each time I go, being in the water feels more and more natural. Like swimming in a pool at a house you’ve grown up in. The crashing of the waves against my legs is playful and it almost seems as if Mother Nature herself realized I've come over to her house to play for a bit. On the other hand, it also breaks my heart a bit to realize just how much trash washes up on shore and is left behind. I just don’t understand how people who visit the beach can think that someone else will do it for them. I pick up a little here and a little there and I will now participate in Clean Up The Beach events. But it’s only after the last few times I’ve visited that I realize how one day a month is not enough.

Jobs – I’ve moved from applying to all jobs I’m qualified for to applying only to jobs I believe I could be the right candidate for and could be a company I want to work for long term. While at first this may seem irresponsible and lazy I’m finding that by focusing all of my energy on those specific ads and or employers I’m getting better response. I do still apply to some ads that could be within my target hope (for a quality job) but less so than before.

Last week I had five job interviews. The one in the other county hasn't contacted me yet. I have mixed feelings about that one because it is a fabulous company and a dream job...and I did pretty ok in the interview. Not fabulous because I was nervous and made nervous  mistakes, but good. However, I spent a lot more money on the entirety of the interview and getting there and back than I should have. Plus I'm wondering (yet again) do I want to live in Los Angeles county or anther? I'm very torn between the two possibility.  Would I take it if offered? Absolutely. Will I be completely heart broken if I am not offered the position? No.

In addition, I interviewed with a startup with a lot of great potential in the eCmmerence industry. I was allowed to see the beta site and it really is a fabulous website with a lot of features that will worry the competition. Then there is yet anther company I'm interviewing with. While not as alluring as the first one, it is a good company with a solid foundation but slower growth and a lot more challenging work that only mildly appeals to my "professional" and personal interests. Would I turn it down? Not if I was offered the prior one.


Visualization - I went to a MeetUp group and actually listened to one guy (not the host) talk about visualizing what he wanted regardless of how illogical it sounded and then actually getting it. He said it’s a lot like The Secret but without all of the cheezeball commercial fluff. I do believe that positive attracts positive, so I thought how much more different is it from believing that positive energy attracts positive things to visualizing the things you want as actually being yours?

The three things I want right now (and will have) which isn’t too difficult but still stressful and relies on things out of my control are…

1) The kind of position I want for myself right now but leads to a promotion in a field I want to be in and have some experience in. On paper it looks like I’m stepping down from my experience. However, after so much chaos, I want something I’m really good at and moving into harder after I feel more confident and secure.

2) Transitional housing that will lead to my own (studio or 1bd) place with a fenced in type back or front yard.

3) Extra money for Halloween or even to pay off a traffic fine which prevents me from getting my driver’s license back.

There is a long list of things I want and maybe if I list them here…the things I do want in my future but am not ready to have yet will be mine... the actual visualization of those things will put them in some space of limbo so that once I am ready they will happen.

So what do I want that I WILL have… I’m only going to list the things I want for 2010 & 2011. Because while there are things I really want, I’m not ready for them yet, such as a family type boat where I can go boating again.

What do I want that I WILL have by the end of 2011? (Not in any type of chronicle order)

To go back to college to start the process of obtaining a Bachelor’s degree.

Therapist or Life Coach to help me stay on the right path.

Go to a specialist for an undocumented health problem / condition which does affect my work, personal life and self confidence…and have it taken care of (fixed) or confirmed, accepted and get whatever special thing I need for it.

A scooter for city travel

A car – used and paid flat out, no financing.

An RV Van - financed so that it’s not a junker ...and than get rid of the junker so I can save money on insurance and possibly rent. And install a good quality car (RV) alarm for it.

Take mechanic classes so I can fix my own minor car / RV Van repairs.

Take martial art classes. Not just for the hobby and self confidence of getting the colored belts but to truly feel I can protect myself.

Learn how to surf

Take photography classes and buy a nice camera

2 new laptops – 1 for home that has all the bells and whistles and 1 for café use.

An iPad

To have at least $2000 in savings and continue to put money in savings.

I know I said this already but a bathroom all of my own so that kids (or other residents) don’t walk in on me
:o

Nit-Picking

She hasn't been here even 24 hours and she's driving me batty. Complaining about everything the DV Shelter doesn't have, provide or offer and refuses to even hear out a different opinion then her's. Now she's blaming the DV Shelter for not having a dryer with proper drying settings which shrank her clothes. I finally made a sarcastic reply and said matter-of-factly "I'm just glad I'm not still getting beat up."  Of course this annoyed her because she simply wanted to know if I knew how to set a non setting drying machine.

Of course all of it is rubbing me the wrong way. (from a previous post)

"The DV Staff have been saints to me. They scheduled me to see a real doctor who actually cares (female) and not only gave me medication for the {back} pain but referred me to a different hospital for x-rays, counseling and physical therapy. If it wasn’t for them I honestly believe I would have been thrown out on the street by Homeless Hating Hospital and left for the street vultures." 

In addition my former roommate who is from the Middle East made me aware of one very important difference. In her country your choices for domestic violence is stay and put up with it or live in the streets. In America, we have choices. Even if the choice doesn't include my own room, a closet full of my clothes or new clothes and even if it lacks some much appreciated furnishing (such as a garbage can in the bathroom), it is a solid roof over my head in a good area, groceries to keep me fed and everything is free including violence free living. So nitpicking / complaining about the little things gets on my nerves.

"If you don't like it, go back to your abusive partner."

Some Things Remain The Same

Children

Children in the center of themselves are simply children. In moments such as the one I’m watching now you can see how children are children. Regardless of what culture, religion or language spoken, they laugh at the silly cartoons, they’re delighted when they play and they gather to watch in wonder and suspense for the (age appropriate) scary shows.


Some things never change…until they’re older.

This is not a hotel

“Do you understand what a DV Shelter is?”

Too many people in the world assume the niceness of a person is a weakness…and sometimes it is. However, I for one am not weak. The newest member of the Bad Male Choice Club asked me about chores and I explained that each of us has a chore or two to do each and every night. The woman said

“But I don’t eat here and I work.”

Me: "You can do your chores before or after work.”

“I work very late.”

Me: “I’m sure that will be fine with staff if you do them a little later.”

“Who makes this list because I need to tell them I work.”

Me: “The staff. Even though you work you still have to do chores.”

She looks for help from the other woman (Spanish speaking only) and they converse.


Let me get this straight…

You believe that because you work you shouldn’t have to do chores? I had to quite a job I was hired for only a short time after getting it because I had to leave my abusive boyfriend and go to a shelter. So how badly were you “abused” that he won’t track you down at your job? If you have a job where he (or she) will not stalk you, than you have a way out of an abusive relationship and have no need for a shelter. That or you should be paying a small fee for staying at a shelter. The shelter is NON profit and there are a lot of fees associated with shelters...any house in general.

Being sick and a bit bitchy I want to tell this lazy bitch who even now is just sitting on the couch watching TV and not doing her fair share ....

"Hey, your not working now. Instead of enjoying all the comforts of free living, why don't you pretend not to abuse the opportunity you've been given and do your fair share of the household upkeep?"

Connections

Thinking Positive

Living in this home is especially difficult when you have just one person who sees herself, her family and her actions as a singular unit – she does not see how her actions, her lack of parental guidance and her dismissive attitude affects everyone else.

She won’t eat anyone else’s dinners (each person takes turns & shares,) but expects everyone to eat hers even though she doesn’t make enough for the entire house and she cooks the same thing every time. Food is provided from the shelter so there really isn’t an excuse. Plus my roommate is vegetarian and it always has meat. I prefer non meat because her meal is always so greasy. Both of us have stopped expecting dinner from her and we cook before she has a chance to make dinner. This way we can make vegetarian and meat versions for the entire house.

She has been asked (by staff) to start watching her son who screeches and start trying to dissuade him from doing so. She only sticks him outside for the neighbors to be annoyed. We have one woman here who works until midnight and another who is on pain medication from multiple broken bones – this is incredibly selfish and rude for these two women to be woken up between 7 and 9 am because its too much of a bother for the mom to teach him better. It’s incredibly difficult to stay positive when one entity is making it difficult to see past the negative - and I’m also fighting a cold I caught because of this woman.

Because I am in the situation I decided to take a break from everyone in my personal life. However I have remained connected to one person who has proved to be a genuine friend to me (and vice versa). This is the person who encouraged me to leave my abusive boyfriend though neither of us truly understood what that meant and the consequences of leaving… But I don't regret it.


She has been a rock for me. She went through a traumatic life altering situation herself and is still recovering from it as she is on the brink of homelessness herself. Even though both of us are in dire situations we still find moments where we can contribute something to another person. Sometimes it’s each other and often we just do little things without realizing how the little things makes a positive difference to someone else.


We've talked about starting a non-profit group for people who don’t fit neatly inside the current display case of what society sees as Homelessness and those who need assistance to prevent homelessness and even suicide since we both fall outside the guidelines of currently counted and help-able. She believes I'm a social worker in the making :) I’m interested in doing this but feel right now I'm just not ready or willing to do more then help myself.


On the other hand I have been able to help a couple of the women here by giving them transitional programs they fit in with. I found two for my roommate, one of which wouldn't be too terribly far from where I might be. I'm hoping she gets in so we can more easily keep in contact.


Things will come together. I just have to think positive and keep trying.

Common Sense

Make others sick but ask the sick to stay away.

The single mom who is a female life version of Pig Pen... her, the kids & their sleeping room is always filthy...has surprised all of us and yet again has proven that this woman has barley an ounce of common sense. She came to the shelter knowing her young shrieking harpy of a son had the flu and let him play with all the other kids and be around the adults.

Now both my roommate and I are fighting colds and worried about her children. The harpy's mother had the ordasity to ask her son to ask me (because she refuses to learn English) if I should be in the common area with a sore throat and if I had a fever.

I wouldn't be fighting a cold if you had kept your sick son inside your room!

As Fast As You Can

Resident or Case Manger?

I was asked that question by the new woman who just moved in..... Something to think about.


I might be giving the shelter a bad 'look'. Since my case manager can’t or won’t help me find transitional housing I’ve been doing it myself. I’m not one to sit on my ass and wait to be handed anything. Well… I believe that a few of the programs I’ve called are wondering and maybe asking...

“Why is she calling us? Why isn’t her case manger calling us?”

Even though I am still two and a half weeks away from my ‘time limit’ and was told that if I can’t find a place I wouldn’t be kicked out, I am being pressured by my case manager to find a place and fast.

Not everyone who needs help is an addict or a single mom.

Los Angeles Housing Facts

Some known facts about homeless stats

This doesn't count the ones who were too afraid to be counted or the current DV Shelter residents


From Alexandria House website


There are an estimated 91,000 people homeless each night in Los Angeles County.

Renters in the City of Los Angeles must earn $26 per hour, or $54,080 to afford a market rate unit in the city.

Average rent for a 1-bedroom unit range from $793 to $1,129 and the lowest price found for a 2-bedroom unit was $975.

A minimum-wage worker ($6.75/hour) would need to work 92 hours a week to afford a 1 bedroom unit, and 116 hours a week to afford a 2 bedroom unit.

In Los Angeles, there is a need for 23,968 units of permanent supportive housing for individuals, yet only 2,402 are available.

Less than 1 in 5 households (19%) could afford an average priced home in 2004 in LA County, compared to about 1 in 4 (26%) in 2003.

Praise & Filth

Filth & Praise

Filth

“Bad conduct soils the finest ornament more than filth.” - Titus Maccius Plautus


I haven't been to a lot of shelters but it's been common for the residents to share chores and clean up after themselves. Not so at the moment and I'm a forgotten target for the time being in exchange for another... at least I hope so.

9pm at night and the Attendee decides to have a mandatory House meeting...minus the one mom who most needs to be there. House meeting I'm all in favor of. Waking my roommate up to attend a unscheduled House meeting because of the problems (that were loudly bitched about this morning) is a little rude.

Attendee: {me}"What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish tomorrow?"

{thinking} Seriously? Now you care? I want the fuck out here! I want to 'fix' me. I want counseling, education, a job and my own apt again.

Me: "I'm going to be researching transitional housing and continue looking for a job."

After she asks each one she comes back to me

Attendee: {me} "Do you have any concerns?" 
Me: "About?"
Attendee: "Anything. The house, life, God, anything at all."

{thinking} Yea, the place has no structure, no resources, no support, slack rules and we're all on our good (not best) behavior while we all knowingly re-enact a High School persona.

Me: "Not really. I wish the residents were given bus token so we each could have more access to appointments, court dates, doctor appts and do better job hunting."

Roommate agrees - {thank you}

BBF:  "The bathroom is disgusting."
Goes into a long list of what has happened


Praise

Praise - the word looks wrong to me... unfamiliar.



My roommate and I decided to go to the beach today. While walking to the bus stop we were talking about American's obsession with weight and looks. Living in Southern California can be especially difficult when you’re literally surrounded by people, products and services telling you to slim down and glamour up. As we were discussing weight I told her I would be delightfully happy if and or when I get to a size 14. Quite honestly she said

"You have nothing to worry about, your already gorgeous."  
She was sincere.


I honestly didn't mean to but I scoffed. After more than 20 years of being told I'm fat, ugly, dumb and unladylike dyke like I just find it too difficult to believe I'm anything other than pleasant; pretty at best. I believe the first three insults are and will be my biggest obstacles. The ones I have never been able to fully overcome, the source of insults and ridicule used against me by my ex abusives and the barriers to genuinely changing my life.

Much like Meth is a pleasure / happiness providing demon to drug addicts, those three entities are my goblins nagging at me to never be more than what I am. A lie, I know, but these three goblins have been with me so long that the eviction is going to long and laborious.

4 gallons in 4 days

The DV Shelter provides food and beverages and the women here consume it like locust. One single mom and her three kids (soon to be four) are the main locust consumers. Now no one has milk for another two weeks.
:(


...and the same single (helpless?) mom is dropping food crumbs and her kid's tiny toys in the hallway and leaving them (& the house) for the rest of us to clean up.

Is this how she treated her home? WTF?!

Shelter Theft / Crime

Only a little better.

• A previous resident warned me of the two woman here (Trauma Queen and BBF.)
• My roommate had her purse rummage through and $5 stolen.

Today I went through my tote bag where I keep my personal paperwork stored - informational flyers, one old paystub, application to GR and unemployment app & denial letters ect... all of which has my full name, SSN and CA ID number. As I was cleaning it from things I need and things I do not I discovered someone had placed a financial record account letter from the former resident who left due to the multiple harassment she received from Trauma Queen and BBF. If any of the Shelter Attendees had done a room / personal belongs search before I discovered this, it would have made me look extremely guilty...

TAG - I'm it.

I can't tell any of this to an Attendees because if I do TQ & BBF will know and Target Practice will commence.


...crap...


Minutes after typing this TQ is complaining that 'someone' stole her trashcan and bitching harshly at her son. I had better go check my room.
 :(

Isn't this suppose to be a safe place?

Late in the evening and early in the morning is the only time it's quiet. So I like to take advantage of those times to watch TV. I decided to check the doors, not sure why but I felt the need to do so. The back door is unlock, the front door is unlocked, the window is open (no screen)... isn't the point to a DV Shelter safety?

There is no structure at all and those two women are making me real nervous with their "it won't happen to me here," attitude. 

Pan Fried Pizza

My roommate is still relatively new to the states… and American cooking or convenience cooking is still a very new concept to her. Last night I showed her how to ‘make’ instant mashed potatoes. Today she bought herself and her kids a Tony’s Pizza from the grocery store. She offered me a slice which I welcomed since pizza is normally a no no for me. After I finished I took my plate to the sink and noticed she pan friend the ‘Ready in minutes’ pizza.

Never thought to pan fry an instant pizza but it worked.

It’s the little things that we can learn from our new not originally from the US neighbors.

It’s a little like Hangman…

This morning I added an arm to the body that was added when I was showing my “smartness.” I woke up early today because today is the day I potentially get to genuinely become a statistic (General Relief Qualification / Orientation if approved appt.) Do I get a Food Bank cupcake with a little plastic Welcome toothpick?


Anyway… One of the residents left yesterday because she called her husband from the house phone and told him what city she was in. The attendee heard the call from outside the open office door and immediately started the process for her to be removed. Because she was gone her chore was left undone – dishes. One would think if there is no one else to clean up after you, you would do so yourself. Hell, I’ve never expected someone else to do my dishes and I’ve been doing my own since I got here. But that is only me. My roommate and I were in the kitchen and I mentioned the dishes. We were talking about general house stuff when I said

“I’m not their mommy and I’m not the house mom so it’s not my business.”

BBF (Best Bitching Friend) walked through the kitchen right as I was saying it – opps. Not sorry though. If this is the long Hangman version I just added an arm. If it’s the express version I've got legs and arms now.

At times she (Trauma Queen) has seemed nice and sincere but the other side is manipulative and threatening....

There’s something disturbing about a size 24 woman wearing a strapless cheetah mumu with thick white bra straps, connector and sunburns showing and dancing to her headset contained music in the kitchen and living room as entertainment for herself and the kids. It’s like seeing where the writers of the Drew Carey Show got their inspiration for Mimi but made Mimi funny instead of scary.


'Unemployment report portrays stagnant job market' - LA Times

Target practice isn't fun if you’re the target.

I was talking to the son of the trauma queen as he was trying to think of the name of a country but saying "it's a state," until he said Jamaica. Without sounding snobbish (at least I didn't think I sounded snobbish) I explained the difference between states, countries and continents. His mom thought this was me showing off my smartness - whatever.

Yesterday morning, my roommate discovered that the trauma queen's Shelter BBF took her purse, rummage through it and then brought it to her saying her daughter took it to the bathroom. The daughter was in the living room the whole time. The four of us were in the same area when this occurred so it's impossible the daughter could have. After what happened she came to me to ask what could be done if she has written down her cc numbers, ID numbers and or SSN. I advised her to call and put warning flags on her cc agency as well as her SSN just in case of future identify theft. I have little doubt that the woman heard even part of this as she is constantly walking around the house from room to room.

This morning, Trauma Queen & BBF met with one of the house attendees in private outside the kitchen ensuring we both would view the meeting - this isn't the normal meeting place for serious discussions I'm told. Now I'm being given the cold shoulder and hmmfs whenever trauma queen comes into the room. The previous target told me this is how it first started with her.

This is ridiculous... I'm now looking at two different transitional housings so I can get away from this mess as soon as possible.

Addiction

I need a place to get it out of me. I’m not expecting help or advice as that is not why I’m blogging. I’m doing it because where I am currently at there is no support of any kind… and if I don’t find a way to at least get frustrations out and released I swear I may go crazy; literally.

I have been in and out of shelters, domestic violence situations and DV shelters since I was a teenager when my mom decided I was then a serious threat to her spotlight attention she received from my father and his locally well known clients. From there it got worse and I have been moving from one DV situation to another since then.

I do have an addiction. I’m addicted to abusive men and I want to get rid of it once and for all. I lost control so long ago (if I ever had control) and I’m tired of it. I’ve finally had enough and am completely starting over from scratch. All but a few boxes of my possessions which are in storage are gone and truthfully, I don’t care.

What hurts more is that I have lost (if I ever had one) what other people take for granted - family. My career skills are at least three years behind what they should be and I can’t get a career position any longer; I’ll be getting a job. But I’m learning to appreciate the value of starting over...it’s a new start and no one starts in the middle.

The only other woman in the shelter who is in the same situation as me is a graduated psychologist in her country…and now she’s applying for the same jobs as me. She has truly helped me see how lucky I am and how lucky Americans in general are. We Americans have so many resources available to us where as in her country there is practically none. In her country her choices in these types of situations is to ether endure the abuse or move to the streets. So while I am not receiving the assistance I was hoping for I am in a decently safe location. It’s now up to me to do the rest on my own.

It's not all sisterly love 

One woman here is the poster child for White Trash. She has been here only a little more than a week and she is already seeing some guy locally that she met at court. Real romance there, she met him while he was waiting for a probation violation. Afterward court for both of them (she was there for a name change,) he let her drive his expensive sports car.

Paraphrased from what Trauma Queen (how I am referring to her) told us of her exciting day and happy news :/

He drove her to some out of the way spot, got drunk and she had to walk back to the shelter because she didn’t trust him to drive her back to the shelter. Now she is complaining about the pain in her knees from walking up & down hills in stilettos. Later she told us about her boyfriend who is in jail but gets out on her birthday. She can’t wait to finally see him again as he is her savior for beating the crap out of her husband and went jail for it for a year for her. But that’s ok because she says that domestic violence shelters provide the best food she ever really eats.

Though I do see the negative influence the mother has on her son, he is actually very smart, sweet and has community togetherness that surprises me. I hope when he grows up he grows better for the experiences he's been through and will continue to go through. There are other stories here in this shelter that I've experienced in under one week, but not nearly as “entertaining” as that woman.

I can’t help but wonder… do some (not all) of us who have ended up in domestic violence shelters deserve what happened to us?