Fucking Rude

The staff brought us a whole chicken that is way too much for one person, so one of the residents and I asked everyone if they wanted to do a potluck dinner (DINNER.)


The former doctor's wife said she would join in and we were all delighted because she has been snobbish and rude towards the rest of us. However come Saturday and she is just being nothing but rude and inconsiderate.

Everyone knows I wake up and go into the common areas every morning at the same time. Today I woke up late at 9 am (much later then I normally wake up) and she tells me I can't go into the common area because she is cleaning. I tell her I have work to do and I can't put it off. She says five minutes then. Ok, fine. I give her ten and go get my medicine.


I set up my computer and go to the kitchen to take my pill and she says again I can't go in there. I show her medicine and tell her I need to take my meds. She sighs heavily and says again, five minutes. OK than... She is really bossy.... She than tells the new resident to go wash off the entire backyard and proceeds to tell her how to do it and what to do. The problem is that she tells her to do it by turning on the hose right as one of the residents is outside with no shoes on. Rude things like this have been happening all week long.


She starts making her potluck dinner stuff and we're like um ok. It’s early but sure. She dones around 1pm and we than start our cooking (a resident and I) We spend the entire afternoon cutting, mixing, stuffing and cooking and as soon as it's almost done she announces that it's too late. Lunch is from 12 to 2 and it’s too late now. I tell her it was a potluck dinner, not lunch but whatever. She says she's going to the park and will be back later.


I really don't care anymore. We (other residents) have tried to be nice and she has done nothing but rude and inconsiderate to us. We have spoken to staff about it and all along I have said I don't want to get involved because of what happened before with the previous resident (Special K). But now if the other resident tells staff I will back her up. I really feel like she has metaphorically spit on me and I'm done. I'm going to avoid her as much as possible but I know me and confrontation is something I very much need to work on. I don't handle it without having an attitude.


We're pretty sure she is not even from an abusive partner as she is going to a university (education), divorcing her husband (no police report,) doesn't attend any of the support groups and her daughter is in private school...she is just here for free rent.

BUSTED

Fool me once but you won't fool me trice.

Trauma Queen got back from the hospital again and verbally attacked again...my roommate this time. Except this time I was ready. I recorded her. After I started the recording I went to the staff on duty. One which was her Case Manager, and told both atendees "we have a situation happening."


I than gave a copy to the staff.


I have no doubt that our Case Manager let her know I recorded her - good.

By reason of being a Trauma Queen

Because she is a basket case I’m the one being told to back off (even though I already have) and be a bigger person? I’m really sick of being a bigger person and told “just in case, don’t say or respond to anything Trauma Queen says.”  Why should I be the one to step back even farther when I am not even saying anything to her now?

So if she comes up to me? I am to back down even more?
If she says anything to me I am to continue NOT saying anything to her?
Gee… if she comes at me with a knife is it ok to defend myself or should I just let the crazy bitch stab me to prove I’m the bigger person?

Waiting for my slow ass internet connection to connect to my Blogger account - 30 minutes later… waiting for the shower anyways.


The new woman is annoyed already with her new accommodations – namely Trauma Queen as a roommate. She wants to put the few belongs she now has away in drawers and hang up in the closet and Trauma Queen is sleeping. Probably shouldn’t have but I warned her that she should probably just get dressed because her roommate sleeps until the afternoon.


Trauma Queen really annoys me. I don’t ask for much and in fact have asked for only three things since I have been here. Bus tokens for job hunting, personal hygiene / personal items and for my case manager to make calls on my behalf when I cannot.

Trauma Queen on the other hand constantly asks (whines) for help every single day.
Will you please vacuum my room?
Make me a grilled sandwich
Can you help me find an X
Can I have X from the pantry (almost a daily need from there.)

I feel lonely, sad, mad, glad or any other trauma / drama feely word and spends at least thrifty minutes talking about why the color yellow makes her feel sad…

WTF!?

I’m getting frustrated and pissed off because I’m working my ass off trying to get me out of this place and take a step towards a better future for me and I feel like I’m being made to feel like I’m doing something wrong. GEE , maybe this is the reason DV women start doing drugs!

Balls To The Wall

That’s the saying

...that is what my social worker friend tells me I must do and I did. My “Case Manager” started pushing me to yet again consider and go to the transitional housing program that is five miles from where my abusive ex boyfriend occasionally works. I was shocked and even angry as was evident as my voice speed increased. But I kept my balls to the wall and insisted that if he saw me on the street in the area he was not going to be safe and happy to see me. I saw and heard that I got my point across as she sighed heavily and then proceeded to give me a live in housing exchange. I thought wow… maybe she was really going to give me something of value – no. The live in exchange is in the rural redwood forests.

How the bloody &*$! am I to get a job in a rural area when I cannot even get one in an area with more than five hundred thousand people? I said I would think about it and I did; angrily. Then I calmed down and went back to her, stood my ground and said (paraphrasing)

The reason I want to go to X is because it has a wonderful program that truly helps everyone in the program. It has employment assistance, new training skills, medical, housing assistance and support, support groups and counseling. I don’t just need someone to help me get a job and a new apartment or even a shared apartment. I need someone to help me help myself. I keep making the same abusive choices again and again and I need to stop it. I need support and a mentor type person to help me stay on the right path and stay away from negative people and abusive men. I can’t get that at a homeless shelter or a rural location. X or even X offers everything I need to help me help myself…otherwise I’m just going to end up back at another domestic violence shelter again in a couple of years.

I think this time she heard me… I think this time she listened.

She may be trying to push me out for Trauma Queen's sake but I don't care. Trauma Queen is not my concern and I will not allow her to get in my way. After I finished, she said the program sounded like a good program and she picked up the phone to call the transitional housing program.

Push the limit, go all out, full speed ahead - "Balls to the wall"

I think that my roommate wishes I would go to the same transitional housing program as her... I actually wish I could. But it's the one that is way too close to my ex. We get along well and her kids listen to me. They're not use to listening to mom as a diplinary figure as dad made them afraid to do any wrong and mom was a protector not a defender. 

I do wish I could.... but as much as I care about her and wish her well I have to be selfish in this. 

For better or for worse

Some of the old sayings are true.

You know the old saying 'will only get worse before it gets better.' That one is true.
How about 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'
Maybe that one was born from the first one.



Maybe I attract it. Maybe I am simply a doormat with pop up steel teeth. Maybe it’s just the people themselves that I put myself around and find myself socializing with. Either way I’m tired of it and I’m tired of being the ‘better person.’


After nine pm at night all chores are expected to be done and the house clean and tidy as if the house was available for an Open House. More than three hours prior to this Trauma Queen had left her half eaten grilled cheese sandwich on the table along with a empty bowl of soup and a finished cup of coffee. All this I threw away. If she left it on the table prior to leaving she did not want it. Trauma Queen – a very much well earned title by now, was looking for someone to shoot her anger at after being at the hospital, again. I as I almost always am was at the kitchen table on my laptop. I should have heard the spooky monster hunting theme music the moment she stepped through the front door.


To make a long tirade short she went on and on about her thrown away grilled cheese sandwich and how violated she was - I admitted I threw away her stupid sandwich. When I ignored her hissy fit she stirred in a bit of drama to the trauma by saying that I told her a staff member told me to do it and lying her – why? Why in the world would anyone lie about something so trivial and why in the world would anyone make such a big deal over a grilled cheese sandwich?


One thing led to another and into the 15 minute loud rant I had enough and went to the attendee present. I honestly told her that after the day I had and a week of having to listen to her rant on and on I was not capable of putting up with any more of her drama. The attendee really should have listened to me.


The “House Meeting” was nothing more than the next episode of The Trauma Queen Bitching Hour.” Guest Staring ME – resident quite girl, closet bitch. Ten minutes into her rant and raving about me, calling me a liar, how she wouldn’t stand for it and how despicable I was I spoke up and verbally defended myself. I called her on each of her own lies about each and every resident, her drama and did so with everyone present. Then I let her verbally hang herself with her own words as she continued for more than twenty minutes to contradict herself.


No one but me went to bed immediately following the disastrous “House Meeting.” I don’t care what was said about me or even for me. I gave Trauma Queen a road to someone she could tell her two-faced lying secrets to and then deny she said any of them by accusing me as a liar. I let these people get too close to me. I am on my own and it is up to me to secure my own future. For the potential exception of my roommate I have no intension whatsoever to keep in contact with any of them.



Maybe a bit of fire is what I needed. Even though I still feel sick and a bit weak from an infection that I’m told could have easily turned into bronchitis, I went to the Job Center to apply for a government sponsored paid internship program… also sent some more resumes.

What is next? Will one of us be told to leave? I don't know. Due to Trauma Queen’s rash of injuries I find it very unlikely that they would send her somewhere else. This means me being the most easily place able, workable and self-sufficient would be the one to leave. For better or for worse - I’m outta here; it’s only a matter of when.


***************************

A favorite group of musicians I listen to when I'm in one of those moods.

Apocalyptica - Path





Apocalyptica - Hope

Bad Day

Sickness & Trauma Queens SUCK!

Woke up feeling like there was a boulder sitting on my lungs.


No openings yet for transitional housing…again


Received a scammer job email asking me for all of my personal identification information


The little boy is screaming his harpy song stronger than usual today. 


Was given a list of employment agencies to contact - over half is work I can’t do or have no experience in…still sending them my resume.


Headache is slam dancing


Trauma Queen took the rest of the saltines into her room… I’m not eating much and saltine crackers have been the only thing I have been eating steadily throughout the day this week. It’s not as if there isn’t an entire kitchen or pantry full of food and beverages so you’d think the bitch could leave me the least expensive snack in the entire fucking shelter!


No drugs so I can’t knock myself out with Nightquil or sleeping aids – FUCK! That could totally qualify as an addiction!


Last night Trauma Queen insisted I feel her goose egg bump where she fell down (again) and knocked her head. Here's a tip - stop falling down for attention! I don't have to touch you to know you have Traumatic Reenactment Syndrome (TRS) - get a therapist not shelter residents to touch your multiple injuries. 


I know that may sound callous but I'm sick of hearing her whine about everything and everyone and listening over and over again to her complaints and issues. We ALL have issues here but now is the time to start the process of getting past them and starting new, not rehashing them every single day. 


Ahhhh - the harpie boy is non stop today!  I even spoke up telling the little boy loudly & very firmly NO! (and putting my finger in front of my lips) - this shocked the boy and his mother for a few moments. She finally took the little harpie outside to annoy the neighbors. 


Headache raging - going back to my room.

Reigning Queen

Trauma & Drama

BBF is the now the reigning queen of, well, trauma. Each of us has been through a lot. Each of us have our own screwed up issues and each of us are here for one common reason. There is no arguing that. But the “House Meeting” was nothing more than The Trauma Queen Bitching Hour. The meeting started out harmless enough.

• How are you doing?
• What have you accomplished?
• What do you plan to accomplish this week?
• Any issues?

Trauma Queen did not only take the stage but stole it and kept it hostage. No one was safe from her tirade. First she bashed the Spanish speaking mom in English so she didn’t have a chance to confront or defend herself and then she started in on my roommate who was asleep. At that point I spoke up and gently but firmly said I didn’t feel comfortable talking about someone who isn’t here to confront the issues.

But Trauma Queen would not relinquish her stage. She went on and on until I again spoke up and said.

“All we’re doing is kicking a dead horse. Let’s agree that both mothers need to be spoken to and move on.”

That worked for approximately two minutes. After that I made it obvious that I was uninterested and let her bash away in Spanish knowing I was probably the target for at least scene two.

I stayed awake for that!? What a fucking fraud!

The next morning I did speak up to the attending staff member… I’m sure not much was done but at least someone stood up and said something. If I just made myself a bigger brighter target then so be it.

What really makes me sick (of her) is that she acted as if she did nothing wrong the next morning. Chatting and happily moaning as she went about her way making sure everyone knows yet again as if we couldn't see it or haven't already heard it numerous times before.... that she is injured.

We get it.... We didn't come here to this place thinking we we're going to be the next Big Sister Reality TV Stars!

{breathe}

Again, I remind myself that I have to stay positive for myself. If she is so desperate for the spotlight of any kind whether it is positive or negative that is her concern. Down the road she will see how negative spotlight hogging is only harming her…I hope. I have to worry about me and just me. If I can help someone with something I know, great, but it is not and cannot be my responsibility to point out the better path to anyone.

Time to start making transitional housing calls.