Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Weeds don't stand a chance

Yesterday I was told that my crazy ex with a bruised ego that Mr. Superior Then Everyone Without A Degree who is probably definitely going to jail for his attack on me may have given me tuberculosis (breathable disease.) So all day from morning to night I was throughly worried that I had a disease that while curable is very dangerous to those with asthma. 

There is no guarantee that treatment will work, treatment is long and sometimes nauseous if not straight out painful, antibiotics and asthma is not a good combination and it’s the only way to cure tuberculosis and finding the right cocktail of antibiotics is performed the same way as it’s done for HIV – “gee let’s see what happens when we mix the blue pills with the red pills with the yellow pills after breakfast but only after you take the pills that are striped or.... is that the other way around?” 

However.... I did receive notice last night that NO I do not have it - thank freaking gawd and every entity in the universe. 

Today I did finally meet with the owner (employer) of a company I thought was blowing me off. She was busy and with a cold and so on.... or so I hope because i accepted her job offer. The last thing I want to do is go job looking again. plus the job is full time with benefits in 2 1/2 months. 

Transitional Housing

I am up for a transitional housing but it's not the one I was hoping I would get. In fact it seems like I'm being given the least favorable one even though I've been the one resident who has worked her ass off to find a job and better myself. I hate to say it but it seems as if because I am not Hispanic I am not being offered a space in the new transitional housing program where residents have their own room and kitchen sharing abilities. 

Instead I'm being offered a bed in a big room with other female residents with a cubby hole space thing to put my clothes and stuff in... right....   The last two residents both went to the same brand new shelter in a very nice area, with all kinds of resources and both were Hispanic and both are not edible to work because they are both illegally in the US. How is this fair?  

I'm going to have to rent a storage unit nearby just to keep anything of value to me and take my laptop with me whenever I leave. :(

Digging my frustrations

Got back from the community garden where I volunteer for an hour each week. The hour using a hand hoe and hand shovel (or whatever they’re called) to dig up weeds and loosen up the dirt really helped to get my mind on the last two days of stress. The green onions have really grown and are ready for the kitchen. The radishes have another week before they can be pulled and today for my part I planted Mustard Greens in the area where I got my stress out. The weeds didn’t stand a chance.

Today I took home some Chocolate Mint leaves for tea tonight.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Just smile and walk off

I feel like I'm walking on glass. I shouldn't have talked to the night counselor about what I found out about my ex. I was freaked out and I know I'm paranoid and for a good reason. But there is absolutely no evidence that he has any clue where I am. I have a huge traffic fine that is preventing me from companies that do background searches and the only way for me to get it reduced or even released is to go through Homeless Court... So I have to stay here in LA County area to do that. If I'm relocated I'm relocated potentially to a different state because my ex has friends and family in other SOCAL areas.

The current resident is grating my nerves. She doesn't clean up anything but her own dishes and thats it. She expects others to do the normal house upkeep cleaning - namely me. I almost snapped at her when I asked her if she could mop the floor this afternoon because I wouldn't be available to do so...and she told me repeatedly to clean the microwave.

{smile, just smile}

I need to keep it together so I can convince the DV Shelter manager I over reacted and get into the transional housing.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Woman shot repeatedly by her estranged husband

A woman repeatedly shot in downtown Santa Monica by her estranged husband, who was later killed by police, was fighting for her life today.

Police refused to name the woman, but said she was hospitalized in critical condition.

Witnesses said she was shot at least once in the back of the head, and again at close range in the upper body once she was on the ground.

She apparently had just left work at a Verizon Wireless office on Seventh Street near Santa Monica Boulevard when she was shot while sitting in her car about 6:15 p.m. Friday.

The woman managed to get out of the car, but was shot at least one more time.

As few as six shots and as many as dozen were fired, the Santa Monica Mirror reported.

Police soon found the gunman, identified as 33-year-old James Stephen Ramirez, and shot him dead in the 1400 block of Ninth Street after he allegedly shot at them.


The DV Shelter I live at may ask me to move for my own safety and if I do its out of the SOCAL area all together. I understand it would be for my safety but... it sucks. I may be over reacting...and I may not but I don't know. They would help me relocate but... do I want to convince the manager that I'm not in danger? Am I in danger?

He hasn't contacted me in any way or form. He hasn't contacted any of the few people I'm still in contact with. I've deleted profiles and changed cities in all of my social networking profiles. So am I over reacting or under? I don't know.


Am I being selfish by wanting to stay within the greater Los Angeles area? I lived and left my ex-boyfriend where resided in one of the larger districts / counties. But I came back because this is what is familiar to me and where …as much as I bitch about it, is where I love to live. But am I being selfish or even stupid for not leaving? That’s the question I’m seriously asking myself.

Through the grapevine I was told about a blog post he wrote and so I checked it out for myself (through a proxy server.) Anyone else who reads it would take it as what he said it was – a rant (full of lies) about me. My first impression was that it was so incredibly false that he was trying to lure me into commenting on it or to contact him. In the past I probably would have, but never again.

However, as I read it I saw the anger and violence behind it. I could visualize him getting drunk, kicking or throwing a few things and than going online to rant about the evils of me and the innocence of him.

I’ve deleted a major local social networking profile that held my picture and known online name. I’m also deleting some of the other ones that can be replaced easily. Each of my profiles that I do use regularly for personal or work related stuff (job hunting, intern work & volunteer work) lists a different believable city in which I could be residing.

Am I being stupid? By staying here am I putting myself at risk? I don’t want to start over yet again. I’m on the verge on landing a really good job and getting into transitional housing – which is a separate rant but seems unimportant now. Technically I'm pretty far from him. However I’m still only an hour (or so) drive away. Do I want to throw away everything because of one suspicious blog posting?

The prosecutor is going after him with or without me. I don’t want to be involved, I want him and all of that to go away and never show its ugly face again. If I allow myself to get involved it opens up a large can of filth for him to use against me. I am a serial domestic violence dater after all. As facts, my past can easily be used against me and I don’t know, I’m pretty sure I’m not strong enough to withhold not being emotionally destroyed from it. So I’m not going to contact the prosecutor. I may and a big may it is, mail official affidavits with my statements but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. Even then, I would have to go to a different county to do it so that a trail wouldn’t be left behind to track me.

What I don’t trust our government to protect me? No, I don’t. It not only didn’t protect me from my mother but throw me back into her house telling me that I bruised myself and broke my own arm. When I went for help with my second abuser, no help was offered. I was never told I had options. So no, I don’t trust that the good ol broken red, white and blue protectors will protect me.

Maybe that’s why I’m a little disgusted / disenchanted with the women I see and live with at the DV shelter. Because I know they have been given a chance to have a new life and they take it for granted.

If one of his friends sees me and they tell him where they saw me, I may be in serious danger. But I also don’t want to move… but I may not have a choice. I’m going to sit and wait and watch. If I think he could / will come out to find me or if he blogs messages that escalate farther into being dangerous to me, then I’ll leave immediately. Otherwise, I’m sitting tight. I’ll get the job, potentially using a business identification number instead of my ssn and save my money. At least this way I’m building up a savings to run if I have to.