Thursday, October 14, 2010


This is what I’ve been working on for the last two weeks. Not the gaudy book The Secret or “do you want to attract money with your mind?!” scam. But being positive, visualizing and building a new foundation for myself and forming a new life for myself through visualization. Words are the sharpest weapon and the easiest to use. So trying to prevent and stop myself from negative thoughts and trying only to think of the positive is harder to do than say you’re going to do.

The new things I have started
The first was writing down in general terms what I deserved to have and what I wanted and what I will have regardless of the ‘how’.

The nest step (for me) has been discontinuing day dreaming about physical attacks that could (not really) happen to me. When these thoughts start I almost physically push them away from me and remind myself that they / it will not happen.

Another Step - Writing down how I want to feel

  • In a job
  • In a transitional housing
  • In everyday life itself

Realizing that a foundation needs solid quality materials. For me that mean no more junk food (I have health problems.) If I do have the occasional junk food, then do something to counter react it or add something better (healthier) afterwards.

I feel better about life in general and I do see more opportunities. But after a life time of living within poisonous trenches and feeding off mostly poison…it’s a lot harder to stay on this path then people realize. It’s not just hard, it’s fricken ridiculously hard.

This is one of the reasons that each morning I’m meeting a small group of people to discuss more spiritual positive living. I’m finding that waking up early (Monday through Friday at least) is helping me to start my day off right and helping me to stay positive.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Wish List

Did I include my own place?

One of the residents has two kids who are loud, messy, and obnious. I have never said anything because hey... they're kids and why bother. The one time I watch my tv show and actually laugh I'm asked to be quite. Serisously? It wasn't even 8 pm :/


Things You Should Know

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not as a shelter resident. Do people forget, never learned them or simply don't care? If the last is the case, why should those who manage the shelters care about the residents?

I don’t know why the little house / shelter resident things are bothering me today but they are. These are things I have seen at the other DV Shelter as well and now seeing them here. Statistically the residents are different. Is age and culture the difference? Maybe so. How or why do some people forget what environments they came from after a few days to a week and try to enforce their way of living on others... isn't that what we DV woman left?

Consider this
 If it is not ok for us to be made to feel and or physically made to do things our now ex partners wanted us to do, why would it be ok to try to force anther resident to act or to do things we want them to do against their will / preference?

This list of should but don’t know things should be obvious to everyone, but it’s not. Is it because we don’t own this place? It’s not ours; we don’t pay money (rent) to be here so we do not feel obligated to care for it while here? It’s annoying. It’s really annoying that we’re given a free place to sleep, free food to eat, free beverages, free utilities and even free clothing when available and all of this does not include the free resources were given such as free medical care and often step in much quicker than those calling in for an appointment that do not live in a shelter. Uggg I thought my time at the beach resolved some of this but apparently I need an extra dose.


Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not in shelters.

Close the door - The house has two doors, a security screen door and a standard door – close one of them. Flies suck and they’re annoying when they buzz around your food plate when your trying to eat. Plus we have fruits and vegetables on the counter and California has fruit flies – they’re dangerous. Shut at least one of the doors.

Bathroom Privacy - If the bathroom door is shut, knock first, wait to see if someone answers and than wait if you hear someone say they’re in there. DON'T try the door yourself to see if your kid was just making it up. When someone says several times, “Just a moment”, that means give that person a moment to finish their ‘business’ before entering the bathroom.

Dirty Hands - Washing your hands really is a necessity after using the bathroom, especially and specifically for children. They should absolutely be washing their hands after using the bathroom each and every time. I can plainly see what the kids are doing and its worrisome what I can’t see them doing and than wanting to grab and play with me (as all kids like to do with adults who are not their parents) knowing / suspecting their hands haven’t been washed since their bath the night before – GROSS!

Rocks Are Not Toys - Throwing rocks inside the house is not a good idea. Throwing rocks at your brother /sister is really NOT a good idea. I can remain silent on a lot of things but that is not one of them. If you breed them, care for them.

Priorities - Your kids are more important than your makeup and or dying your hair.

Eating Habits - Kids really do need fresh vegetables. Canned dinners and frozen cartoon chicken nuggets is ok occasionally but seriously… the stuff that grows from the ground isn’t (shouldn’t be) optional eating choices.

The shelter took you in because you said you were being abused physically, mentally and or emotionally. That means you have a choice between getting your little life luxuries and continuing to be a victim or being in a safe place with generic items and an opportunity to make your life better so that later on you can afford to have your luxuries without the abusive spouse / partner…which one is more important?

Free doesn't mean you get to abuse it 

If you’re getting things for free appreciate them and don’t bitch about the things you’re not getting. The shelter only offers the 99 cents store type shampoo and conditioner instead of the $5 to $9 shampoo and conditioner – wah. Its free deal with it.

Think about other people than yourself  You’re not paying rent, utilities, food and referred to medical care when needed as well as encouraged to apply to CalWorks or GR…this means you’re getting money and Food Stamps on top of getting free food and rent… Don’t take advantage of the shelter freebies. Don’t write your name on something the shelter provided for all of the residents to share, help keep the place clean, tidy and request only a few cheap / inexpensive items to compliment your Food Stamps. Do not horde the free items so you can stock pile the food pantry when you move out and into your own place. That’s simply wrong.

Mind Your Own Business - You are here to help yourself not police others to act the way you believe they should act and or do the things you believe they should do. If you have a safety concern, inform the staff. They staff will make a decision. If they decide that your concern is not / will not endanger you or others accept it. You don’t get your way simply because you complained about it.

People Are Different -  If you don’t understand it than tolerate it. Tolerate that they are different and let them be. You don’t have to accept that they are different from you only let them live there with you without your comments, bitching, complaints or stressful nagging that they should try it your way…even after they have and still do not agree with you. Leave people alone that you don’t like.

Think first, act second -  If you’re confused about this, ask a shelter staff attendant.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Visualizing It

Things have been steadily non-chaotic; which is great but doesn’t leave a lot of room to write about and make it sound interesting. My back is steadily healing as I’m spending a little part of each day walking. I’m also spending at least 1 day at the beach for 45 minutes to an hour walking through the waves as a resistance walk to strengthen muscles.

I'm really enjoying my time at the beach alone. Each time I go, being in the water feels more and more natural. Like swimming in a pool at a house you’ve grown up in. The crashing of the waves against my legs is playful and it almost seems as if Mother Nature herself realized I've come over to her house to play for a bit. On the other hand, it also breaks my heart a bit to realize just how much trash washes up on shore and is left behind. I just don’t understand how people who visit the beach can think that someone else will do it for them. I pick up a little here and a little there and I will now participate in Clean Up The Beach events. But it’s only after the last few times I’ve visited that I realize how one day a month is not enough.

Jobs – I’ve moved from applying to all jobs I’m qualified for to applying only to jobs I believe I could be the right candidate for and could be a company I want to work for long term. While at first this may seem irresponsible and lazy I’m finding that by focusing all of my energy on those specific ads and or employers I’m getting better response. I do still apply to some ads that could be within my target hope (for a quality job) but less so than before.

Last week I had five job interviews. The one in the other county hasn't contacted me yet. I have mixed feelings about that one because it is a fabulous company and a dream job...and I did pretty ok in the interview. Not fabulous because I was nervous and made nervous  mistakes, but good. However, I spent a lot more money on the entirety of the interview and getting there and back than I should have. Plus I'm wondering (yet again) do I want to live in Los Angeles county or anther? I'm very torn between the two possibility.  Would I take it if offered? Absolutely. Will I be completely heart broken if I am not offered the position? No.

In addition, I interviewed with a startup with a lot of great potential in the eCmmerence industry. I was allowed to see the beta site and it really is a fabulous website with a lot of features that will worry the competition. Then there is yet anther company I'm interviewing with. While not as alluring as the first one, it is a good company with a solid foundation but slower growth and a lot more challenging work that only mildly appeals to my "professional" and personal interests. Would I turn it down? Not if I was offered the prior one.

Visualization - I went to a MeetUp group and actually listened to one guy (not the host) talk about visualizing what he wanted regardless of how illogical it sounded and then actually getting it. He said it’s a lot like The Secret but without all of the cheezeball commercial fluff. I do believe that positive attracts positive, so I thought how much more different is it from believing that positive energy attracts positive things to visualizing the things you want as actually being yours?

The three things I want right now (and will have) which isn’t too difficult but still stressful and relies on things out of my control are…

1) The kind of position I want for myself right now but leads to a promotion in a field I want to be in and have some experience in. On paper it looks like I’m stepping down from my experience. However, after so much chaos, I want something I’m really good at and moving into harder after I feel more confident and secure.

2) Transitional housing that will lead to my own (studio or 1bd) place with a fenced in type back or front yard.

3) Extra money for Halloween or even to pay off a traffic fine which prevents me from getting my driver’s license back.

There is a long list of things I want and maybe if I list them here…the things I do want in my future but am not ready to have yet will be mine... the actual visualization of those things will put them in some space of limbo so that once I am ready they will happen.

So what do I want that I WILL have… I’m only going to list the things I want for 2010 & 2011. Because while there are things I really want, I’m not ready for them yet, such as a family type boat where I can go boating again.

What do I want that I WILL have by the end of 2011? (Not in any type of chronicle order)

To go back to college to start the process of obtaining a Bachelor’s degree.

Therapist or Life Coach to help me stay on the right path.

Go to a specialist for an undocumented health problem / condition which does affect my work, personal life and self confidence…and have it taken care of (fixed) or confirmed, accepted and get whatever special thing I need for it.

A scooter for city travel

A car – used and paid flat out, no financing.

An RV Van - financed so that it’s not a junker ...and than get rid of the junker so I can save money on insurance and possibly rent. And install a good quality car (RV) alarm for it.

Take mechanic classes so I can fix my own minor car / RV Van repairs.

Take martial art classes. Not just for the hobby and self confidence of getting the colored belts but to truly feel I can protect myself.

Learn how to surf

Take photography classes and buy a nice camera

2 new laptops – 1 for home that has all the bells and whistles and 1 for cafĂ© use.

An iPad

To have at least $2000 in savings and continue to put money in savings.

I know I said this already but a bathroom all of my own so that kids (or other residents) don’t walk in on me

Aftermath of Domestic Violence

From domestic violence to District Attorney abuse

This is just one of the reasons why some women (and men) don't report domestic violence. After going through the trauma with the partner/spouse, they / we have to face a whole new trauma of going through court. Unfortunately, I know this one from personal experience.

  • Third Woman Accuses Wisconsin DA of 'Sexting' Harassment -ABC NewS
  • Ken Kratz, Sexting DA, Says He Won't Resign, Commits to Therapy  - CBS News
  • Ken Kratz takes medical leave after sexting suspect's girlfriend - City Pages Blog
  • Ken Kratz resigns as Calumet County District Attorney - FOX 11

Calumet County's district attorney tried to start a relationship with a domestic violence victim by sending her 30 text messages over three days while he was prosecuting her ex-boyfriend.

A third woman has come forward to claim she was harassed via text message by a Wisconsin prosecutor who has already come under fire for allegedly sending sexually charged messages to two other women on separate occasions.

In one text, Kratz asked, "Are u the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA ... the riskier the better?"

In another, he said "I have the $350,000 house. I have the 6-figure career. You may be the tall, young, hot nymph, but I am the prize!"

Several other women came forward with reports of inappropriate sexual advances from Kratz in the days to follow.

"The reason why I'm coming forward is he abuses his power, not only with women, but with women in certain situations who are extremely vulnerable to his authority," Ruskiewicz, 31, an Appleton, Wis

Read more: HERE