Sunday, August 8, 2010

Praise & Filth

Filth & Praise


“Bad conduct soils the finest ornament more than filth.” - Titus Maccius Plautus

I haven't been to a lot of shelters but it's been common for the residents to share chores and clean up after themselves. Not so at the moment and I'm a forgotten target for the time being in exchange for another... at least I hope so.

9pm at night and the Attendee decides to have a mandatory House meeting...minus the one mom who most needs to be there. House meeting I'm all in favor of. Waking my roommate up to attend a unscheduled House meeting because of the problems (that were loudly bitched about this morning) is a little rude.

Attendee: {me}"What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish tomorrow?"

{thinking} Seriously? Now you care? I want the fuck out here! I want to 'fix' me. I want counseling, education, a job and my own apt again.

Me: "I'm going to be researching transitional housing and continue looking for a job."

After she asks each one she comes back to me

Attendee: {me} "Do you have any concerns?" 
Me: "About?"
Attendee: "Anything. The house, life, God, anything at all."

{thinking} Yea, the place has no structure, no resources, no support, slack rules and we're all on our good (not best) behavior while we all knowingly re-enact a High School persona.

Me: "Not really. I wish the residents were given bus token so we each could have more access to appointments, court dates, doctor appts and do better job hunting."

Roommate agrees - {thank you}

BBF:  "The bathroom is disgusting."
Goes into a long list of what has happened


Praise - the word looks wrong to me... unfamiliar.

My roommate and I decided to go to the beach today. While walking to the bus stop we were talking about American's obsession with weight and looks. Living in Southern California can be especially difficult when you’re literally surrounded by people, products and services telling you to slim down and glamour up. As we were discussing weight I told her I would be delightfully happy if and or when I get to a size 14. Quite honestly she said

"You have nothing to worry about, your already gorgeous."  
She was sincere.

I honestly didn't mean to but I scoffed. After more than 20 years of being told I'm fat, ugly, dumb and unladylike dyke like I just find it too difficult to believe I'm anything other than pleasant; pretty at best. I believe the first three insults are and will be my biggest obstacles. The ones I have never been able to fully overcome, the source of insults and ridicule used against me by my ex abusives and the barriers to genuinely changing my life.

Much like Meth is a pleasure / happiness providing demon to drug addicts, those three entities are my goblins nagging at me to never be more than what I am. A lie, I know, but these three goblins have been with me so long that the eviction is going to long and laborious.

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