Addiction

I need a place to get it out of me. I’m not expecting help or advice as that is not why I’m blogging. I’m doing it because where I am currently at there is no support of any kind… and if I don’t find a way to at least get frustrations out and released I swear I may go crazy; literally.

I have been in and out of shelters, domestic violence situations and DV shelters since I was a teenager when my mom decided I was then a serious threat to her spotlight attention she received from my father and his locally well known clients. From there it got worse and I have been moving from one DV situation to another since then.

I do have an addiction. I’m addicted to abusive men and I want to get rid of it once and for all. I lost control so long ago (if I ever had control) and I’m tired of it. I’ve finally had enough and am completely starting over from scratch. All but a few boxes of my possessions which are in storage are gone and truthfully, I don’t care.

What hurts more is that I have lost (if I ever had one) what other people take for granted - family. My career skills are at least three years behind what they should be and I can’t get a career position any longer; I’ll be getting a job. But I’m learning to appreciate the value of starting over...it’s a new start and no one starts in the middle.

The only other woman in the shelter who is in the same situation as me is a graduated psychologist in her country…and now she’s applying for the same jobs as me. She has truly helped me see how lucky I am and how lucky Americans in general are. We Americans have so many resources available to us where as in her country there is practically none. In her country her choices in these types of situations is to ether endure the abuse or move to the streets. So while I am not receiving the assistance I was hoping for I am in a decently safe location. It’s now up to me to do the rest on my own.

It's not all sisterly love 

One woman here is the poster child for White Trash. She has been here only a little more than a week and she is already seeing some guy locally that she met at court. Real romance there, she met him while he was waiting for a probation violation. Afterward court for both of them (she was there for a name change,) he let her drive his expensive sports car.

Paraphrased from what Trauma Queen (how I am referring to her) told us of her exciting day and happy news :/

He drove her to some out of the way spot, got drunk and she had to walk back to the shelter because she didn’t trust him to drive her back to the shelter. Now she is complaining about the pain in her knees from walking up & down hills in stilettos. Later she told us about her boyfriend who is in jail but gets out on her birthday. She can’t wait to finally see him again as he is her savior for beating the crap out of her husband and went jail for it for a year for her. But that’s ok because she says that domestic violence shelters provide the best food she ever really eats.

Though I do see the negative influence the mother has on her son, he is actually very smart, sweet and has community togetherness that surprises me. I hope when he grows up he grows better for the experiences he's been through and will continue to go through. There are other stories here in this shelter that I've experienced in under one week, but not nearly as “entertaining” as that woman.

I can’t help but wonder… do some (not all) of us who have ended up in domestic violence shelters deserve what happened to us?