Wish List

Did I include my own place?

One of the residents has two kids who are loud, messy, and obnious. I have never said anything because hey... they're kids and why bother. The one time I watch my tv show and actually laugh I'm asked to be quite. Serisously? It wasn't even 8 pm :/

Uggg

Visualizing It

Things have been steadily non-chaotic; which is great but doesn’t leave a lot of room to write about and make it sound interesting. My back is steadily healing as I’m spending a little part of each day walking. I’m also spending at least 1 day at the beach for 45 minutes to an hour walking through the waves as a resistance walk to strengthen muscles.

I'm really enjoying my time at the beach alone. Each time I go, being in the water feels more and more natural. Like swimming in a pool at a house you’ve grown up in. The crashing of the waves against my legs is playful and it almost seems as if Mother Nature herself realized I've come over to her house to play for a bit. On the other hand, it also breaks my heart a bit to realize just how much trash washes up on shore and is left behind. I just don’t understand how people who visit the beach can think that someone else will do it for them. I pick up a little here and a little there and I will now participate in Clean Up The Beach events. But it’s only after the last few times I’ve visited that I realize how one day a month is not enough.

Jobs – I’ve moved from applying to all jobs I’m qualified for to applying only to jobs I believe I could be the right candidate for and could be a company I want to work for long term. While at first this may seem irresponsible and lazy I’m finding that by focusing all of my energy on those specific ads and or employers I’m getting better response. I do still apply to some ads that could be within my target hope (for a quality job) but less so than before.

Last week I had five job interviews. The one in the other county hasn't contacted me yet. I have mixed feelings about that one because it is a fabulous company and a dream job...and I did pretty ok in the interview. Not fabulous because I was nervous and made nervous  mistakes, but good. However, I spent a lot more money on the entirety of the interview and getting there and back than I should have. Plus I'm wondering (yet again) do I want to live in Los Angeles county or anther? I'm very torn between the two possibility.  Would I take it if offered? Absolutely. Will I be completely heart broken if I am not offered the position? No.

In addition, I interviewed with a startup with a lot of great potential in the eCmmerence industry. I was allowed to see the beta site and it really is a fabulous website with a lot of features that will worry the competition. Then there is yet anther company I'm interviewing with. While not as alluring as the first one, it is a good company with a solid foundation but slower growth and a lot more challenging work that only mildly appeals to my "professional" and personal interests. Would I turn it down? Not if I was offered the prior one.


Visualization - I went to a MeetUp group and actually listened to one guy (not the host) talk about visualizing what he wanted regardless of how illogical it sounded and then actually getting it. He said it’s a lot like The Secret but without all of the cheezeball commercial fluff. I do believe that positive attracts positive, so I thought how much more different is it from believing that positive energy attracts positive things to visualizing the things you want as actually being yours?

The three things I want right now (and will have) which isn’t too difficult but still stressful and relies on things out of my control are…

1) The kind of position I want for myself right now but leads to a promotion in a field I want to be in and have some experience in. On paper it looks like I’m stepping down from my experience. However, after so much chaos, I want something I’m really good at and moving into harder after I feel more confident and secure.

2) Transitional housing that will lead to my own (studio or 1bd) place with a fenced in type back or front yard.

3) Extra money for Halloween or even to pay off a traffic fine which prevents me from getting my driver’s license back.

There is a long list of things I want and maybe if I list them here…the things I do want in my future but am not ready to have yet will be mine... the actual visualization of those things will put them in some space of limbo so that once I am ready they will happen.

So what do I want that I WILL have… I’m only going to list the things I want for 2010 & 2011. Because while there are things I really want, I’m not ready for them yet, such as a family type boat where I can go boating again.

What do I want that I WILL have by the end of 2011? (Not in any type of chronicle order)

To go back to college to start the process of obtaining a Bachelor’s degree.

Therapist or Life Coach to help me stay on the right path.

Go to a specialist for an undocumented health problem / condition which does affect my work, personal life and self confidence…and have it taken care of (fixed) or confirmed, accepted and get whatever special thing I need for it.

A scooter for city travel

A car – used and paid flat out, no financing.

An RV Van - financed so that it’s not a junker ...and than get rid of the junker so I can save money on insurance and possibly rent. And install a good quality car (RV) alarm for it.

Take mechanic classes so I can fix my own minor car / RV Van repairs.

Take martial art classes. Not just for the hobby and self confidence of getting the colored belts but to truly feel I can protect myself.

Learn how to surf

Take photography classes and buy a nice camera

2 new laptops – 1 for home that has all the bells and whistles and 1 for café use.

An iPad

To have at least $2000 in savings and continue to put money in savings.

I know I said this already but a bathroom all of my own so that kids (or other residents) don’t walk in on me
:o

Vampiric 4 Square

I never was good at 4 Square.

Subject D was forced to leave by police escort. Subject (Special) K freaked out at 3 am and said that Subject D was about to burn the house down if we all didn’t die of gas poisoning first. I was asleep so I don't know what happened. But since there had been previous complaints she was escorted to a facility more equipment to manage her needs.

That same day Special K threw away ALL of the leftover food (only a day or two old at most) in both the refrigerator and freezer as well a huge basket of vegetables. Her undeniable explanation was that the refrigerator was filthy therefore everything that wasn't sealed in a commercially purchased container and date with a well defining 'Still Good' date was disgusting and no good. Almost half the food supply is now gone.

I think this chick is bi-polar. I’ve known a couple of bipolar and high anxiety types and she exhibits similar traits.

I had to go through items I purchased and circle the words “Refrigerate After Opening,” because she has placed perishable items in cabinets instead of leaving them in the refrigerator. She is very much like me ex. Finds something to complain about every single day and there is always more then one thing that isn’t done or isn’t done the “right” (her) way.

She watches daytime talk shows all day, her opinion is the only one that makes sense and she dates only cholos…am I spelling that right? A Cholo?

Urban Dictionary:

1) cholo
...typically dresses in chinos (khahki pants), a wifebeater ...


2. cholo
buy cholo mugs, tshirts and magnets
1) Mexican Gangster 


2) Mexican Gangster Style
1) "My homeboy got shot up but some cholos from Norte...


3) ...This look is subject to change as gang-culture evolves. 


buy cholo mugs, tshirts and magnets


And I thought I dated fucked up men / rejects.


 But I’ve figured out a secret about her. If no one is in the room with her… if you don’t pay attention to her she turns off her vampireic energy feeding.


But all of that doesn’t matter. I’m back to square one. Transitional housing programs are full and in two to three weeks I will yet again be at the “you're not an (addict, single mom, XXX), you don’t qualify” stage. Because this is my second cycle there are even less choices. In addition, they do know about the last shelter and yet I’m still here. They could have rightfully asked me to leave at any time. But regardless, there is no place to go. If I don’t find a job soon I’ll be right back to Skid Row, homeless shelters or asking my ex if I can return. He would love to gloat over me and tell me how much of a failure my “little independence stunt” really was. In other words, I have no place to go, again.

Good morning Skid Row

While the vampires are out…

#2 NOTE: Because I couldn't get online last night I'm posting this in two different blog postings to break up the length. 


The dorm style room is filled with approximant 100 to 115 bunk beds. The mattresses are plastic and the sheets are badly stained but clean. The pillows are scarce and the blankets are anything but soft and the air is hot, sticky and stale. At least the bathrooms here have full size doors unlike the lounge with half size doors and no locks on either. The best looking room sadly enough is the storage room – wish I could have slept in there.

The women are getting ready for bed in attire I wouldn’t wear even as a joke. Most are smart and wear sweats and a tank top. Others…I’ll never wear bike shorts again. There are some who are ironing clothing for the next day and one woman who is lithe enough to stretch before bed on her top bunk bed. Then there is the woman who meticulously wipes down every part of the metal bed with alcohol including the floor around and underneath her bed. Lots of little stories in this room.

At 10:05pm the lights start to go out. I’m lucky enough to be assigned a bed near a light fixture that is never turned off. Great. It’s like trying to sleep with the lights on. I toss and turn, move this way and that and even though I’m using the pillow less pillowcase as a sleep mask I never truly fall asleep.

• Wake up and look at the clock 2:30 am
• Wake up and look at the clock 3 am
• Wake up and look at the clock 4:15 am
• Wake up and look at the clock 5:10 am

Wake up requirement is at 5:30 am and women start to get ready at 5am. I sleep in to a whole whopping 5:30 am. No showers in the mornings. If you want a shower you have to wait until 2pm or go down the street for a community shower. Thankfully I have an exercise towel with me so I get it wet and sponge myself clean of at least most of the sweat before putting on clean clothes. Wish I still had my gym membership. I’m too chickenshit to use the showers in Skid Row after experiencing the Day Lounge bathroom.

Yea….it’s time for medical green trays filled with edible surprise. The items on the tray change after every 10th person or so. So many people got something different. Coffee? Noooo the men are served first and if they drink it all oh well, too bad for the woman folk. Fuckers! I wait for the office to open but after almost an hour I just want to get out of that place before I’m forced to migrate back to the land of hopelessness.

I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to go back tonight but what other choice do I have? There is no other place to go…until at least Monday. Even as of Monday, I may be forced to stay in Skid Row. Even the thought of going back makes me wonder if its worth it all. I can see how easy it can be to numb your surroundings and deny just how horrible it all really is with drugs.

One woman who was entirely too pissed for my comfort level over the lack of coffee told me that employers in Financial District do not hire anyone with a Skid Row address. As if I would provide a Skid Row address – HELL NO. I’ll put my old address and forward the mail to whatever transitional housing program I get into.

Tips for Skid Row

I don’t know where I learned it or even when. Maybe I somehow just knew it or maybe tidbits of memory are surfacing from my early days when I was with my savior from my {parent} who turned into my “Sleeping With The Enemy” nightmare. Or maybe all the books I’ve read and moves I’ve seen have street educated me. However I learned it I have put into motion some tips I’ve quickly learned or relearned in less than 24hours for staying away from conflict and or being marked...so far.

• When you are eating breakfast, eat with your head down, your eyes level and your ears open. Last night and definitely this morning I noticed a lot of little sparks that could have easily turned into physical conflicts. The coffee less mad woman was definitely not thrilled and I believe she may have been escorted out because she was so mad.

• When you go to the bathroom don’t forget to get a wad of toilet paper from the office. I plan to grab a stack of napkins from McDs and other places. Don’t take your eyes and if your able to your hands off your bag while going to the bathroom. Don’t make eye contact in the bathroom. One female entity was pretty miffed because a woman in the bathroom glanced over at her while she was going to the bathroom.

• When your sitting in the lounge or courtyard or pretty much anywhere… Stare into nothing. Don’t stare at anyone.

• Bump into no one. I bumped into someone with my suitcase and for a second I honestly thought she was going to get out of her chair and “challenge” me. Instead she just grumbled something not understandable.

• Carry with you as little as possible. The smaller the handbag the better and easier it is to put it under your pillow or hold onto while you sleep.

• Don’t assume anything about anyone. Last night a woman seemed perfectly nice and this morning she was practically asking for a fight with anyone willing to yell back at her.

• Say nothing, do nothing, be nothing that can mark you as a target - its about survival. 

When I left the shelter the street looked like a Hollywood setup for a apocalyptic type scene. An ideal set for the TV show Jeremiah. I literately pray I can survive until Monday without upsetting someone, attracting someone and or just marking myself in some way.

Just like prison

But you don’t have to break the law.

NOTE: Because I couldn't get online last night I'm posting this in two different blog postings to break up the length. 

My exit took longer than it was suppose to and longer than it should have. The train was also half an hour late. Because of this I missed the unknown to me closing time which I wasn’t told about. So until Monday I am at the worst of the worst emergency shelters. The place is miserable and scary and depressing and I don’t think even Hollywood could make it look as bleak as it really is. I have never been to prison but I imagine this is a nicer version of it and I don't know if I really can live in Skid Row... I don't know if I can really do have what it takes.

I don’t know if I am THIS strong.

The front door is staffed by an armed security guard who has to buzz you into the complex. Once you’re in you precede to the office…a hole in the wall on the other side of a “Day Lounge.” The day lounge is filled to the brim with female entities that probably haven’t seen better days since they were children. Some watch whatever drool is playing on the TV, others are chatting with others while some are threatening whoever walks by or looks at them. But most are staring into the nothingness.

Securing a bed is much like checking into the ER but with different questions.
Name
Age
Children
Diseases
Mental illness
Medication
Can you sleep on a top bunk without falling off?

How many have fallen off?

After being issued a bed number and told to wait until 8pm to be called to bed women already start to line up for the 6:30pm dinner call. Women line up as early as an hour prior to the feeding. As you enter the cafeteria a larger banner greets you and says
“Jesus loves you.”

Really? I don’t want his love. Personally I’m trying to quite abusive “loving” partners that neglect those they say they love and then serves them misery. So if this is his way of showing me some love, he should just back the $#@! Off.

The line continues past Jesus’ declaration of love where you accept your medical lime green tray of edible substance. The potatoes like substance were pale tan and tastes between squash and what I imagine prison food to taste like. There was something fried that I later overheard was supposed to be egg rolls. They did have shredded edible stuff so I guess thats what they were. The only thing that looked and tasted like it was suppose to was the small pile of salad with hidden salad dressing. At least I hope it was salad dressing. The rice, well, rice isn’t too difficult to 'make' so it looked right… like a mountain from Whoville. Except the mountain was white & the snow was black… and I was grateful for the free food.

Bathrooms in the “Day Lounge” – If walls could talk these would be scared silent, I was. But at least I know where to go for an easy drug purchase.

Soon after dinner and precisely as your ready to return to staring into the nothingness the one man religious concert starts up = Fire & Brimstone – Rock on!

…and there I sat. Wondering when my next shower would be. Whether or not I’ll be able to change my clothes tonight for bed or even the next day. Wondering what the Hell had I done to deserve this fate? Is this my punishment for settling with men I knew deep down were damaged and would do me harm? Settling with less because I didn’t think I deserved more? Never again. If I survive this, no one will ever be able to offer me anything that I can’t provide myself.

Determination is EVERYTHING

It may be hard, but obstacles can be shoved out of the way.

I have been asking repeatedly for my "Case Manager" to call transitional housing programs in Los Angeles. Each time I'm told its not available for one reason or anther. I don't think the shelter I'm at wants to refer me to Los Angeles shelters. I've asked and asked and then I'm pressured to the X shelters where I haven't even be sniffed at by employers locally. Well I have a job interview tomorrow in Los Angeles. I told my "Case Manager" and was given a slightly dirty look when I made it subtly clear that if I was hired I would not give it up...that any transnational housing program I go to will have to be willing to help me with transportation to the job. Even if it is only until my first check.


Yes, I am being stubborn and selfish. Locally, I have filled out much more then a dozen paper and electronic job applications for jobs that no one over 25 should be applying for. I have sent more then 40 resumes this month alone for jobs. Not a single local employer has emailed or called me. I've placed resume website ads, I scan all the major job websites, use business network websites and I've applied to the county government job program. Yes, I would / will probably be approved. But even that program would not supply a potential job or job leads for at least three weeks. Even then there is no guarantee I would make more then minimum wage in a job that would actually help me advance back into a career and not just a means of existing. I've sent resumes throughout the Los Angeles area and have received a couple of emails, a couple of calls and now an interview. What would you do?


I even let my roommate convince me that the transitional housing program she will probably go to should be considered by me... the transitional housing program that I said is too close to my ex. I said I would consider it as long as I was not required to apply to jobs within five miles of his work. After pressuring me to go there, they now seem unwilling to refer me - WTF?! Because my roommate is going there? Are they now trying to pressure Trauma Queen out of the shelter and onto them to deal with? The transitional housing program is very work mandatory based. She doesn't want a job - I DO!


I understand that it is not the shelter's job to supply me with anything more then a route away from my abusive ex. I understand that they're only requirement is to help me locate the next step - a transitional housing program...and that is all. I get it.  It is my job and only my responsibility to provide anything and everything else beyond that. But why would I step out of the gutter just to step into a path that won't help me nearly as much as another that is only slightly harder to reach?


They are now back to pressuring me again to go to a shelter further away from where the jobs are and are very strict due to drug addicts they give shelter to. I'M NOT A ADDICT ...and I should not be treated like one because they give shelter to drug addicts. That is why I didn't want to go to that shelter. I want a job that can help me secure a future. Is that too much to ask for? Do these agencies get bonus points for keeping shelter residents local? I don't care! I want what is best for me and if that means I cannot be tracked as a statistic that is just too damn bad.


My roommate is loaning me the money for the Metrolink fare so I can go to my interview. AND I finally secured an appt with the transnational housing program that has (I believe) great transitional housing programs and resources. I had to leave several messages and my last one practicably begging for an appointment because I have an interview nearby...but I got it. 

HA!


... and one of the LA transnational housing program shelters (which I won't name publicly) is a $*@!ing joke! Before they allow you into their shelter you have to have 90 days of employment.  Emergency shelters are only 30 days maximum length...If your homeless, chances are you don't have a $*@!ing job!

Normal Life?

Staying Positive

One of the most difficult things to do in a shelter, any kind of shelter is staying positive. It really amazes me how many of the women here have and are taking advantage of the shelter. I’m not saying this is the norm for all shelters just the one I happen to be in. My roommate and I both truly appreciate and understand how lucky we each are to be here. We understand that the shelter is paying for the roof over our head, the food we eat and the utilities we need to cook food and do laundry. However, the current residents seem to only take advantage of these offerings... and yes I have my own complaints but I still understand how lucky I am to be here instead of on the streets literally.


Communal living isn’t for everyone so when you feel you have no other choice but a shelter you have to be prepared for making sacrifices that you may not like. Communal living means pitching in for everything - that includes cleaning, cooking, conserving resources and even watching children playing outside. I’m not saying free babysitting but if you see a child doing something not safe, tell the mom or tell the child no. What I am witnessing is that the residents do not seem to recognize that they are part of a hive that depends on the entire hive working together as one and not constantly bickering about what one person doesn’t like.

These two distinctly different attitudes and or approaches are what I believe will be the difference between “normal” life success and potential future returns to a shelter. I’m still attempting to locate a transitional housing program for a non addict female who is not a single mom.

I’m discovering new articles across the US that show there is obviously a need for both family and single person shelters. However, what I am discovering in my own search is that single parents and addicts are still the outreach targets for programs. While homelessness has been a big problem for more years than I could research, the new crop of homeless are people that anyone could claim as neighbors or friends… and the resources for this new crop of ‘Homeless’ is not being met. The new crop of homeless has just as much chance (possibly more) at becoming profitably employed. Not because of their current skills but because they too are willing to learn new skills and get back into “normal” life.

One Step From Broken or Hopeless

When neither is a good choice, what to do?

When I left the abusive situation I thought I was taking the first step towards truly changing things in my life for the better. I didn’t realize that changes meant changes rather they were good or bad. 

I’m now told that I have to go wherever they (shelter) recommends me or a place I find on my own. The only place my “case manager” (who really hasn’t done anything at all) has referred to is more a homeless addict shelter then a transitional house for women. The shelter is loosely a dorm style building that houses dorm rooms next to each other with a flimsy not locking wood panel between the women’s and the men’s room.

Hell, I’m not too keen on being around men at all but know I have to be somewhat flexible. However what sense does it make to put anyone who is from a domestic violence situation and put them around people who are violent, has a history of violence or is potentially violent? If I was to continue living with even one addict I would have stayed with my ex where I lived in middle to upscale neighborhood. I didn’t leave it to live with more than one addict in a dorm room with 10 other women (also addicts) and a flimsy divider to male addicts.

If I was homeless and only homeless I would not question it. However I came from a domestic violence situation with an ex who is an alcoholic and my previous ex before him was a drug addict. The LAST thing I want to be around is current addicts, not really recovering and brand new recovering male addicts. 

In addition....

No kind of pain medication at all, ever and for any reason including OTC meds. They will not even hold them for you in case you need something - zero intake. 

No laptops

No cellphones

No electronic communication gadgets at all.

All communication must be done through the office in the supervision of the shelter staff. 

WTF!?

Fucking Bullshit

Addicts are being rewarded for being addicts! For every one women’s shelter for domestic violence there are five addict shelters. I was turned down from a woman’s DV transitional shelter because I wasn’t an addict of any kind. So those of us who made bad choices for partners but didn’t pollute our bodies are being punished while those who dived into addiction and ruined the lives of their partners, families, friends and children are being rewarded with an abundance of free services. 

I'm step away from 

• Homeless
• Living with unknown dangers of homeless addicts
• or going to CL and choosing a new but different domestic violence situation

No matter which way I currently go I'm fucked. Where can I get a bag of speed and a straw? 

To add insult to injury she said if that shelter doesn't work out "we'll have to find you a room to rent."

...and who will pay for that? I don't have a job, I don't qualify for GR or SSI, the shelter won't provide bus tokens and I've already applied to every business with 2 miles of the shelter (walking distance) and not one has called or emailed me. HOW am I to pay the rent?

The bitch actually told me to have a good night before going home to a place that she knows she will be at until SHE chooses to move. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

I should have stayed with my ex, bought him booze to drink himself into oblivion, give him sleeping pills to sleep and found reasons not to be home. When staying put with an abusive partner is better than going to a domestic violence shelter you know the world is truly fucked and Hell IS Earth.

99ers

I was denied General Relief

Why?

Because I am not a drug addict, not on the streets literally, I don’t live with a landlord who would accept up to $300 for rent and I'm not pregnant. Because all I seek is transportation help to get to and from jobs, money to pay for my legal medication(I don’t qualify for medical) and a few dollars for life necessities, I don't qualify.

If I’m not able to get a job within walking distance soon or into transitional housing soon my only option is to fake being a drug addict so I can get into rehab. In rehab, I was told from a rehab "graduate"  I can potentially qualify for disability / SSI, re-training at numerous places including actual colleges – for FREE. A metro bus pass for up to three years, free housing and rental assistance (free rent) to move into a new apartment…I’m thinking speed.