Sunday, November 28, 2010

No Title Can Explain This

I’ve been thankfully very busy the last couple of weeks. Mostly because I can’t stand being at the DV Shelter…yes I am still there. I refuse to give up. I deserve the same services as any other Hispanic woman and I’m not giving up.

In the time since I last wrote

  • One non Hispanic women leave (and go back to her husband) because of the bullying from the one resident.
  • Lost our heater in our apartment (Non-Hispanics are not housed in the same place as the Hispanic women.) Only got the actual heater fixed because we complained so much.
  • One of my roommates left for anther shelter because she couldn’t take it & went to a different DV shelter.
  • Anther of my roommates was falsely accused of making threats against the bully
  • Didn’t have a bathroom of our own for three days

…and I had to sit outside in the freezing cold at night at a fast food joint near my day job to work (2nd virtual job.) I was told that if the mom wants to let her child be destructive and offensive to the other residents that is her right and only the residents can ask her to allow it. But then when my roommate did she was accused of threatening her.

The good news is that the bully is gone. The sad news is that the new resident is drinking Vodka in her room…she’s Hispanic so it’s ok.

She’s young, drinks, and barely pays attention to her toddler; treats her more like a toy than a child. Plus she talks and texts with some guy and the very next day she came to the shelter she told this guy where she lived. All the things we were told would get us kicked out…she’s still here.

I’m being stubborn. No non-Hispanic woman has ever gone to transitional housing from here since I’ve been here – none. We deserve the same services as they do. My roommate left because they wouldn’t help her find transitional housing that wasn’t really just a homeless shelter. They tried that one on me as well. Thankfully one was too far to get to work and the other was too close to my ex.

My latest roommate now also sees what is really going on. She didn’t really believe what our (previous) roommate and I told her when we advised that she be her own case manager and find help herself, now she does. She’s working with an outside agency that is working with her to move her forward.

What am I going to do? I don’t know. I just started working both jobs and I have lousy credit. I have a cell phone to pay and I need a new laptop (I really do.) Should I just quit and move to a different city and start all over at a different DV Shelter? Not what I really want to do but I don’t know. This place is wearing me down.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

and the racism escalates

I woke up Tuesday morning to be told that we (the white residents) have to bag up all of our items including bedding and wash every single clothing item. We were told that we have bed bugs - a lie. I had a doctor's appt and work so I had to stay awake until 2:30 in the morning and wash my bedding. Then woke up at 8:00 am to start washing more clothing.

Today (so far) I was told the one Hispanic woman who started all of this vindictive has now accused my roommate of threatening her and the children - a lie. And I found out my transitional housing was not faxed in as I was told it was.

I am probably going to have to quite my job and go to anther state... no place to go here and I suspect the racist staff member is blackballing me from getting into a transitional housing program.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Fake excuses

As I predicted they made up a reason to get me out... I'm not allowed to work more than a couple of hours a day. Since I work 10 - 14 I'm violating the rules.

Doesn't say that anywheres in the rules they gave me when I first came. That was never told to me. It was not brought up when I told them I had the jobs...only after I called them out on the BS. Hmmmm The Dirty Secrets of Domestic Violence Shelters I wonder how many people I could get to anonymously contribute stories. Staff and residents alike.

No matter, that is a thought for anther day. Right now I'm freezing my ass off in the cold working virtually.

Monday, November 15, 2010

It’s War

I just started a war.

Tonight I was pushed too far. After all of the non Hispanic woman complained and those complaints have continually been ignored it got worse. We were told that we are the residents it’s our job to figure it ourselves. However we have tried that and even though the problems have escalated the staff will not step in. I am now forced to go to a public café, spend money I shouldn’t just so I can earn a little extra money online (now only $2 at most after buying a coffee and website service fees for the contract work I do.) So a $4 job which is a lot less than half the normal rate for what I do for an hour (not cyber sex) is now only $1 or $2 depending if I have to take a bus there and how much a coffee or soda costs. In addition it’s now freezing. I have no money for a winter jacket but oh well. If I want to make that $1 or $2 an hour as well as continue to push my career further that is what I have to do.

The Hispanic women are hording food in their rooms and so today I made myself five sandwiches so that I could at least have one sandwich a day for lunch…but I’m lectured about it even though all of the non-Hispanic women have complained about the food hording and food wasted by them and their children for at least a week.

I’m forced out of the house and into the cold and I’m expected to do an equal share and more so of the chores. I told her no. I said I would clean up after myself but that’s it. I said it is not fair that I’m being told to deal with it and that’s that. "It's a shelter and you have to make sacrifices." But the Hispanic women don't? So it's ok that they are screaming, kicking, throwing, punching, defacing the property, refusing to allow the other residents to watch tv, waste food and horde food and making it impossible for all the other residents to be in the same room with them...what sacrifices are they making?

If I don’t have an equal share of the house common areas, or the food and if my comfort level does not matter and if I have to spend extra money just to work and suffer the cold because of it than I will not share equal duty in caring for it. Especially when in the past I have gone above and beyond in volunteering to help out with computer issues, extra chores and have even bought and donated items to the house because it was needed.

Angry? You betcha.

Tonight I looked up the program director and emailed her. There was a limit of characters and so I wrote that there were serious issues being ignored and in my opinion there was racial favoritisms happening – with my phone number. Will I get kicked out? Yea, probably. I can’t possibly imagine not being kicked out after that email. But enough is enough and someone has to say something…why me? Because I’m a fucking martyr. I may come out of the internet closet after all… I’ll contact some newspaper journalists if I’m kicked out.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Huge amounts of food has been going missing and residents such as myself are getting less and less. 3 huge packs of sandwich lunch meat and a 40 hot dog pack went missing only 4 days have it was purchased.

Yesterday the DV Shelter bought a big box of fresh vegables and fruit.
Today all but a small container of grapes is left.

The selfish soon to be ex denit's wife has been taking the food and storing it in her room and probably her car. We told one of the staff members but I won't be surprised if yet again, nothing is done about it. All two other residents and I are left with to eat is canned food, condiments, a couple heads of lettuce and macaroni cheese...which I can't eat. Tomorrow is grocery day again and I have no doubt that will change.

...and as I type this the little girl is "playing" rough. Full out punching the older boy with all the strength she has... But it's only playing and mom is ok with this. Anyone wondering why we live in such a violent world?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Smart People NOT Welcomed

I am really sick of the prejudice that exist in domestic violence shelters. If you (a DV Victim) are not Hispanic or under educated you are not expected to be a domestic violence victim. I have seen repeatedly how Hispanics are being given extra services or told about services that non-Hispanics are not told about. Examples

There is a mailing service in California where you can set up an account with so that all of your mail is routed through their office and forwarded to you. I only learned of this service through the program counselor (not Hispanic.)

Three of the Hispanic women 2 without kids and 1 with kids were all transferred to a very nice, brand new transitional housing where each resident gets their own room. I’m told it’s not available.

The snobbish Hispanic woman here can easily afford to buy her own groceries. She requests food items from the weekly grocery request list for her singular use and receives them. One resident asked for brown sugar so she could make coffee cake for the house and I have asked for Rice Milk so I can eat cereal and have neither requests were granted.

The other residents and I (non Hispanics) complained about the rapidly increasing rudeness of this woman and what she is allowing her daughter to do…nothing. They only told her we complained and we now have dirty dishes in the sink from her, flies around the kitchen because she now won’t empty the trash or get rid of cooked grease or half eaten food. Now it’s worse.

And now I’m told that I have to cancel a day of (brand new) work because the transitional housing doesn’t want to provide m e a morning time appointment to do an intake interview. It’s not like I have a one day opening only. I’m available any day in the morning and any time on the weekend but I’m told that if I’m serious about getting into a transitional housing program I’ll take whatever appointment they give to me.

In addition, there is a questionable atmosphere rereading my employment and new virtual internship – they don’t like that I’m working after their curfew time even before I enter their program. Apparently they prefer non working under educated people to go through their “work training” program. I’ve glimpsed their “work training” program. For people who have never worked before or are newly recovering addicts it’s a great program. But if you have any higher educational at all, even a certificate program it is like returning to grade school from college.

Their curfew is 6pm and apparently the night is filled with so many bad elements that even breathing them in to and from work is not allowed. Internet at the housing other than in their ‘computer lab’ and under their watchful eye is deemed inappropriate. God forbid I look at some website other than EDD or Craig’s List for fabulous (below entry level) jobs and great religious (im)moral roommates.

This is so wrong.

I wish I could outs myself here. I am in no way saying I’m perfect or even near it and I'm not saying I'm better. However I do a lot of good work , work related projects and self awareness things that honestly works towards a better world for kids and adults. However all that is viewed of me (how I feel) is that I’m white, I’m educated and I’m a bothersome women that they have to deal with and put somewhere but will do so with as little resources or assistance as possible.

It’s wrong.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Fucking Rude

The staff brought us a whole chicken that is way too much for one person, so one of the residents and I asked everyone if they wanted to do a potluck dinner (DINNER.)

The former doctor's wife said she would join in and we were all delighted because she has been snobbish and rude towards the rest of us. However come Saturday and she is just being nothing but rude and inconsiderate.

Everyone knows I wake up and go into the common areas every morning at the same time. Today I woke up late at 9 am (much later then I normally wake up) and she tells me I can't go into the common area because she is cleaning. I tell her I have work to do and I can't put it off. She says five minutes then. Ok, fine. I give her ten and go get my medicine.

I set up my computer and go to the kitchen to take my pill and she says again I can't go in there. I show her medicine and tell her I need to take my meds. She sighs heavily and says again, five minutes. OK than... She is really bossy.... She than tells the new resident to go wash off the entire backyard and proceeds to tell her how to do it and what to do. The problem is that she tells her to do it by turning on the hose right as one of the residents is outside with no shoes on. Rude things like this have been happening all week long.

She starts making her potluck dinner stuff and we're like um ok. It’s early but sure. She dones around 1pm and we than start our cooking (a resident and I) We spend the entire afternoon cutting, mixing, stuffing and cooking and as soon as it's almost done she announces that it's too late. Lunch is from 12 to 2 and it’s too late now. I tell her it was a potluck dinner, not lunch but whatever. She says she's going to the park and will be back later.

I really don't care anymore. We (other residents) have tried to be nice and she has done nothing but rude and inconsiderate to us. We have spoken to staff about it and all along I have said I don't want to get involved because of what happened before with the previous resident (Special K). But now if the other resident tells staff I will back her up. I really feel like she has metaphorically spit on me and I'm done. I'm going to avoid her as much as possible but I know me and confrontation is something I very much need to work on. I don't handle it without having an attitude.

We're pretty sure she is not even from an abusive partner as she is going to a university (education), divorcing her husband (no police report,) doesn't attend any of the support groups and her daughter is in private school...she is just here for free rent.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Change of Life

The good news is that I will only be set back by a week or two at most. I can probably start my new job on Monday but I will have to bring with me a back pillow. My new boss is being really understanding about this so there is no worry that I won’t be starting a new job.

But with the back injury comes changes. For starters I’m now taking calcium supplements and will be doing so for the rest of my life. If I ever planned to jump from an airplane or bungee jump, that is now not a possibility. Thankfully, being a human piñata has never appealed to me. In addition to the more strenuous activity loss, I will also have to start going to yoga for daily stretching to ensure that my muscles are both stretched and build up a bit more muscle strength.  Lastly, I’ll have to wear a brace for my knee, both ankles and a bathing suit with back support if I want to go swimming in the ocean.

So all in all… expensive but not done for. 

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

20 Best Islands To Live On

I’m sitting in bed prompted up by two pillows and a blanket underneath and I’m reading the number 20 of the magazine Islands – 20 Best Islands To Live On. I promise myself that I will visit each and every one of those islands someday… someday by the time I’m 60; that is my new life goal. But for now I’m laid up in a domestic violence shelter bed with a pinched nerve after spending the last two months recovering from a herniated disc injury, again.

We have two new residents and one is already a bit miffed with the current one that I'm not overly fond of either. The main complaint - her child having hourly temper tantrums and having fun of common area literally bouncing off the walls. I tell her what lesson I learn and was told by a staff member. "Your here for you and just you. Don't worry about anyone else but you."

I go to explain that I'm as friendly as I can be but I avoid conflict to a fault. Its just not worth it, I say to her.

The other new resident is young and I think a little naive. She was telling me what she thought the shelter would be like describing all the scary things "bums, drug addicts, men and women sharing one big room, gays."

Gays? You classify being gay with bums & drug addicts? Oh boy.... I kept my mouth shut {avoid conflict} I just nod my head. I think instead of all the "It gets better" ads we need to have a campaign with positive, good influence / role model type gay people do an ad to show all the Hollywood stereo typing of gays & lesbians is bullshit. This is why people who are gay are afraid to come out.

So I won't be starting my new job until probably next week...until my back recovers enough to allow me to sit at a desk for a few hours. It sucks, but I won't be defeated. Its only a setback.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


Sneezing, aching and miserable time of the year.

I hate the Fall due to my health limitations and this Fall weekend has brought the WTF inside the house. I hope it leaves soon.

We have a new resident but she’s only here for a few days. She’s going back home to family out of state.

The other resident who is still here is mind boggling. She apparently knows how to cook but every time she pulls out raw food she puts it on the top shelf in the refrigerator. Doesn’t everyone know, at least all people who are cooks know that you never put raw food on the top shelf? Even if it is in a bag? If it leaks it leaks from top to bottom and ruins all the food underneath it – YUCK.

I believe one of the staff members finally told her that she has to share in the cleaning of the entire house..she actually mopped once. Of course she did it during the time she knows I work and it was super annoying, but I kept my mouth shut. I don’t need the stress.

Brownies for breakfast… oh yea, that’s nourishing for a 5 year…and you wonder why your child is bouncing off the walls and screeching like a banshee.

My back is giving me tremendous amount of pain and I’m really hope it’s just the cold as I suppose to start my new job tomorrow afternoon. But every time I get up I’m in agonizing pain and even dizzy - not good. I’ve tried sitting up for my computer and it still hurts horribly. I can barely concentrate on what I’m doing it hurts so bad.

General Relief (GR) - what a joke! The "workers" they hire literally cannot do two things at once, have short fuses, are bitter and have to be talked to like a 3 year old. I wish was over exaggerating.  I had to spell my last name which is not hard twice. I called her because she left a voice mail for me to do so and then snapped at me for calling her telling me she can't do anything until Monday.

So I can't even get my stupid $160 to buy myself business clothes until a minimum of Wednesday. GROW is suppose to help with that but because the  (GROW) worker barely understands English said she won't even talk to me until she receives notice from my (GR) worker who can't or won't look for the stupid report until Monday. Then it gets approve (2 to 3 days) and the 2 to 3 days is in theory. THAN I can go to my GROW worker (make an appointment) for employment assistance. I was told by someone in line that in actuality it can take up to 2 weeks to approve a stupid monthly report and go through GROW for employment assistance...and it doesn't matter that the worker never sent it to me.  

Uggg - bring on winter already.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Weeds don't stand a chance

Yesterday I was told that my crazy ex with a bruised ego that Mr. Superior Then Everyone Without A Degree who is probably definitely going to jail for his attack on me may have given me tuberculosis (breathable disease.) So all day from morning to night I was throughly worried that I had a disease that while curable is very dangerous to those with asthma. 

There is no guarantee that treatment will work, treatment is long and sometimes nauseous if not straight out painful, antibiotics and asthma is not a good combination and it’s the only way to cure tuberculosis and finding the right cocktail of antibiotics is performed the same way as it’s done for HIV – “gee let’s see what happens when we mix the blue pills with the red pills with the yellow pills after breakfast but only after you take the pills that are striped or.... is that the other way around?” 

However.... I did receive notice last night that NO I do not have it - thank freaking gawd and every entity in the universe. 

Today I did finally meet with the owner (employer) of a company I thought was blowing me off. She was busy and with a cold and so on.... or so I hope because i accepted her job offer. The last thing I want to do is go job looking again. plus the job is full time with benefits in 2 1/2 months. 

Transitional Housing

I am up for a transitional housing but it's not the one I was hoping I would get. In fact it seems like I'm being given the least favorable one even though I've been the one resident who has worked her ass off to find a job and better myself. I hate to say it but it seems as if because I am not Hispanic I am not being offered a space in the new transitional housing program where residents have their own room and kitchen sharing abilities. 

Instead I'm being offered a bed in a big room with other female residents with a cubby hole space thing to put my clothes and stuff in... right....   The last two residents both went to the same brand new shelter in a very nice area, with all kinds of resources and both were Hispanic and both are not edible to work because they are both illegally in the US. How is this fair?  

I'm going to have to rent a storage unit nearby just to keep anything of value to me and take my laptop with me whenever I leave. :(

Digging my frustrations

Got back from the community garden where I volunteer for an hour each week. The hour using a hand hoe and hand shovel (or whatever they’re called) to dig up weeds and loosen up the dirt really helped to get my mind on the last two days of stress. The green onions have really grown and are ready for the kitchen. The radishes have another week before they can be pulled and today for my part I planted Mustard Greens in the area where I got my stress out. The weeds didn’t stand a chance.

Today I took home some Chocolate Mint leaves for tea tonight.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Just smile and walk off

I feel like I'm walking on glass. I shouldn't have talked to the night counselor about what I found out about my ex. I was freaked out and I know I'm paranoid and for a good reason. But there is absolutely no evidence that he has any clue where I am. I have a huge traffic fine that is preventing me from companies that do background searches and the only way for me to get it reduced or even released is to go through Homeless Court... So I have to stay here in LA County area to do that. If I'm relocated I'm relocated potentially to a different state because my ex has friends and family in other SOCAL areas.

The current resident is grating my nerves. She doesn't clean up anything but her own dishes and thats it. She expects others to do the normal house upkeep cleaning - namely me. I almost snapped at her when I asked her if she could mop the floor this afternoon because I wouldn't be available to do so...and she told me repeatedly to clean the microwave.

{smile, just smile}

I need to keep it together so I can convince the DV Shelter manager I over reacted and get into the transional housing.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Woman shot repeatedly by her estranged husband

A woman repeatedly shot in downtown Santa Monica by her estranged husband, who was later killed by police, was fighting for her life today.

Police refused to name the woman, but said she was hospitalized in critical condition.

Witnesses said she was shot at least once in the back of the head, and again at close range in the upper body once she was on the ground.

She apparently had just left work at a Verizon Wireless office on Seventh Street near Santa Monica Boulevard when she was shot while sitting in her car about 6:15 p.m. Friday.

The woman managed to get out of the car, but was shot at least one more time.

As few as six shots and as many as dozen were fired, the Santa Monica Mirror reported.

Police soon found the gunman, identified as 33-year-old James Stephen Ramirez, and shot him dead in the 1400 block of Ninth Street after he allegedly shot at them.


The DV Shelter I live at may ask me to move for my own safety and if I do its out of the SOCAL area all together. I understand it would be for my safety but... it sucks. I may be over reacting...and I may not but I don't know. They would help me relocate but... do I want to convince the manager that I'm not in danger? Am I in danger?

He hasn't contacted me in any way or form. He hasn't contacted any of the few people I'm still in contact with. I've deleted profiles and changed cities in all of my social networking profiles. So am I over reacting or under? I don't know.


Am I being selfish by wanting to stay within the greater Los Angeles area? I lived and left my ex-boyfriend where resided in one of the larger districts / counties. But I came back because this is what is familiar to me and where …as much as I bitch about it, is where I love to live. But am I being selfish or even stupid for not leaving? That’s the question I’m seriously asking myself.

Through the grapevine I was told about a blog post he wrote and so I checked it out for myself (through a proxy server.) Anyone else who reads it would take it as what he said it was – a rant (full of lies) about me. My first impression was that it was so incredibly false that he was trying to lure me into commenting on it or to contact him. In the past I probably would have, but never again.

However, as I read it I saw the anger and violence behind it. I could visualize him getting drunk, kicking or throwing a few things and than going online to rant about the evils of me and the innocence of him.

I’ve deleted a major local social networking profile that held my picture and known online name. I’m also deleting some of the other ones that can be replaced easily. Each of my profiles that I do use regularly for personal or work related stuff (job hunting, intern work & volunteer work) lists a different believable city in which I could be residing.

Am I being stupid? By staying here am I putting myself at risk? I don’t want to start over yet again. I’m on the verge on landing a really good job and getting into transitional housing – which is a separate rant but seems unimportant now. Technically I'm pretty far from him. However I’m still only an hour (or so) drive away. Do I want to throw away everything because of one suspicious blog posting?

The prosecutor is going after him with or without me. I don’t want to be involved, I want him and all of that to go away and never show its ugly face again. If I allow myself to get involved it opens up a large can of filth for him to use against me. I am a serial domestic violence dater after all. As facts, my past can easily be used against me and I don’t know, I’m pretty sure I’m not strong enough to withhold not being emotionally destroyed from it. So I’m not going to contact the prosecutor. I may and a big may it is, mail official affidavits with my statements but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. Even then, I would have to go to a different county to do it so that a trail wouldn’t be left behind to track me.

What I don’t trust our government to protect me? No, I don’t. It not only didn’t protect me from my mother but throw me back into her house telling me that I bruised myself and broke my own arm. When I went for help with my second abuser, no help was offered. I was never told I had options. So no, I don’t trust that the good ol broken red, white and blue protectors will protect me.

Maybe that’s why I’m a little disgusted / disenchanted with the women I see and live with at the DV shelter. Because I know they have been given a chance to have a new life and they take it for granted.

If one of his friends sees me and they tell him where they saw me, I may be in serious danger. But I also don’t want to move… but I may not have a choice. I’m going to sit and wait and watch. If I think he could / will come out to find me or if he blogs messages that escalate farther into being dangerous to me, then I’ll leave immediately. Otherwise, I’m sitting tight. I’ll get the job, potentially using a business identification number instead of my ssn and save my money. At least this way I’m building up a savings to run if I have to.

Friday, October 22, 2010


When we first met, I didn't assume you were the maid simply because your Hispanic. So don't assume because I don't have a child to care for that I will and should clean up after you and your child. 


I continued to be amazed that some women who come to DV Shelters do not understand that they should clean up not only after themselves but share in the responsibilities of caring for the place that is providing FREE housing, utilities and food. Is it really too much to ask that you mop at least every other day? Or wipe down the counter and tables?

I really honestly don't care that your husband that you left because he was abusive is a doctor. You didn't bring a maid with you so learn to clean up and take a fair share.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Denise The Menace

I never thought I would say this but... I prefer the rowdy monster playground / house crawling, beat each other up brothers to the current 6 year old Latina Dennis the Menace.

Her mother literally hand feeds the girl. She's six years old!?
Her rubber ball? Rubber balls are not suppose to make noise but she can make them sound off by bouncing it loudly... in the house, on the stairs, against the walls. Was Alice Mitchell  the Alice from Go Ask Alice? I know I could be after a few weeks of this. Oh wait, I'm the grumpy Mr (Miss) Wilson.  

Sunday, October 17, 2010

On The Upswing

The needle looks like it’s moving towards the drama red section again. Two residents moved out but the very young woman with three kids won’t be leaving until tomorrow. Generally she’s pretty nice as a person but on average way too laissez-faire about parenting / watching her two youngest “rambunctious” kids. I’m honestly surprised one or both hasn't been rushed to the ER yet for a head injury or even a broken bone. They genuinely run amok and literally all over the house. They are kids and they will do what they do until they truly understand it’s not ok…and if they’re not told it’s not ok they’ll keep doing it until they’re rushed to the ER and figure out that what they did was painful.

On a only slightly different note…

I understand I'm sharing the same space with the kids but I feel that does not grant me or place on me some minimal amount of child responsibility simple because my physical preference is there. Yes I will and do say something when I see them just about to do something that can and probably will lead to an ER visit; such as trying to skateboard down the metal slide. Or climbing up the side of the house while his brother tries to add and remove rocks from his pockets… yea… that's when I will say something. But if your child is rocking back on forth on a chair the end result can only have two outcomes. Eventual boredom or falling back and knocking his head on the wall behind him. Guess which one happened?

I was distracted on my computer in my continued pursue of never being in this situation again. If he was my child, yes of course I would have paid better attention to him, but he’s not.

“Please don’t expect me to watch him simply because I’m at the same table as him. Also, if he’s up and around and climbing the counter for some fruit and you’re still sleeping, please don’t get mad at me for getting it for him. If he’s hungry in the morning and you’re not around I will provide him something healthy to eat until you wake up and fix him breakfast.”

She leaves tomorrow for a transitional housing. One I would really like to have. I cannot help but be jealous and mildly annoyed. She has no intention of getting a job and can’t get a job because she is here illegally and so far has shown no intention to become legal but is receiving CalWorks. I spend almost every single day self-studying and looking for a job. She’s a very nice person but I cannot help but think it’s unfair that she is receiving resources that she may never pay back or contribute to the system that supplies her food and money. Yet I’m selling the last of my valuable possessions simply so I can buy a bus pass to continue to go to job interviews.

General Relief – You don’t get your actual appointment with a Grow Worker for a minimum of 3 weeks which means you can’t get bus transportation assistance until week 3 and that is only AFTER you attend Orientation which can take up to 2 weeks to schedule…OH and your worker can decide not to give you bus tokens until you start attending the Grow Job Club which on average takes up to two months to get into. SO 13 weeks just to receive assistance to get a job while you the recipient receive a whole whopping $160 to $220 a month. Ok… feeling jaded, must stop that.

To end this on a happier note…

I have two major job interviews next week. Both of which are not just bring your resume and look and sound professional. I have to print an application for one, my resume, references ect… on nice paper and place inside a nice professional folder and get to the interview and back = $$

Oh wait where’s the happy? I have two interviews with two very good companies. One is only seasonal but there is always a chance of permanent position being offered. For the other one I hard core professionally sold myself and have a pretty good chance at. I'm meeting with the partners some time this week. So the happy is that I’m employable with good skills.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


This is what I’ve been working on for the last two weeks. Not the gaudy book The Secret or “do you want to attract money with your mind?!” scam. But being positive, visualizing and building a new foundation for myself and forming a new life for myself through visualization. Words are the sharpest weapon and the easiest to use. So trying to prevent and stop myself from negative thoughts and trying only to think of the positive is harder to do than say you’re going to do.

The new things I have started
The first was writing down in general terms what I deserved to have and what I wanted and what I will have regardless of the ‘how’.

The nest step (for me) has been discontinuing day dreaming about physical attacks that could (not really) happen to me. When these thoughts start I almost physically push them away from me and remind myself that they / it will not happen.

Another Step - Writing down how I want to feel

  • In a job
  • In a transitional housing
  • In everyday life itself

Realizing that a foundation needs solid quality materials. For me that mean no more junk food (I have health problems.) If I do have the occasional junk food, then do something to counter react it or add something better (healthier) afterwards.

I feel better about life in general and I do see more opportunities. But after a life time of living within poisonous trenches and feeding off mostly poison…it’s a lot harder to stay on this path then people realize. It’s not just hard, it’s fricken ridiculously hard.

This is one of the reasons that each morning I’m meeting a small group of people to discuss more spiritual positive living. I’m finding that waking up early (Monday through Friday at least) is helping me to start my day off right and helping me to stay positive.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Wish List

Did I include my own place?

One of the residents has two kids who are loud, messy, and obnious. I have never said anything because hey... they're kids and why bother. The one time I watch my tv show and actually laugh I'm asked to be quite. Serisously? It wasn't even 8 pm :/


Things You Should Know

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not as a shelter resident. Do people forget, never learned them or simply don't care? If the last is the case, why should those who manage the shelters care about the residents?

I don’t know why the little house / shelter resident things are bothering me today but they are. These are things I have seen at the other DV Shelter as well and now seeing them here. Statistically the residents are different. Is age and culture the difference? Maybe so. How or why do some people forget what environments they came from after a few days to a week and try to enforce their way of living on others... isn't that what we DV woman left?

Consider this
 If it is not ok for us to be made to feel and or physically made to do things our now ex partners wanted us to do, why would it be ok to try to force anther resident to act or to do things we want them to do against their will / preference?

This list of should but don’t know things should be obvious to everyone, but it’s not. Is it because we don’t own this place? It’s not ours; we don’t pay money (rent) to be here so we do not feel obligated to care for it while here? It’s annoying. It’s really annoying that we’re given a free place to sleep, free food to eat, free beverages, free utilities and even free clothing when available and all of this does not include the free resources were given such as free medical care and often step in much quicker than those calling in for an appointment that do not live in a shelter. Uggg I thought my time at the beach resolved some of this but apparently I need an extra dose.


Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not in shelters.

Close the door - The house has two doors, a security screen door and a standard door – close one of them. Flies suck and they’re annoying when they buzz around your food plate when your trying to eat. Plus we have fruits and vegetables on the counter and California has fruit flies – they’re dangerous. Shut at least one of the doors.

Bathroom Privacy - If the bathroom door is shut, knock first, wait to see if someone answers and than wait if you hear someone say they’re in there. DON'T try the door yourself to see if your kid was just making it up. When someone says several times, “Just a moment”, that means give that person a moment to finish their ‘business’ before entering the bathroom.

Dirty Hands - Washing your hands really is a necessity after using the bathroom, especially and specifically for children. They should absolutely be washing their hands after using the bathroom each and every time. I can plainly see what the kids are doing and its worrisome what I can’t see them doing and than wanting to grab and play with me (as all kids like to do with adults who are not their parents) knowing / suspecting their hands haven’t been washed since their bath the night before – GROSS!

Rocks Are Not Toys - Throwing rocks inside the house is not a good idea. Throwing rocks at your brother /sister is really NOT a good idea. I can remain silent on a lot of things but that is not one of them. If you breed them, care for them.

Priorities - Your kids are more important than your makeup and or dying your hair.

Eating Habits - Kids really do need fresh vegetables. Canned dinners and frozen cartoon chicken nuggets is ok occasionally but seriously… the stuff that grows from the ground isn’t (shouldn’t be) optional eating choices.

The shelter took you in because you said you were being abused physically, mentally and or emotionally. That means you have a choice between getting your little life luxuries and continuing to be a victim or being in a safe place with generic items and an opportunity to make your life better so that later on you can afford to have your luxuries without the abusive spouse / partner…which one is more important?

Free doesn't mean you get to abuse it 

If you’re getting things for free appreciate them and don’t bitch about the things you’re not getting. The shelter only offers the 99 cents store type shampoo and conditioner instead of the $5 to $9 shampoo and conditioner – wah. Its free deal with it.

Think about other people than yourself  You’re not paying rent, utilities, food and referred to medical care when needed as well as encouraged to apply to CalWorks or GR…this means you’re getting money and Food Stamps on top of getting free food and rent… Don’t take advantage of the shelter freebies. Don’t write your name on something the shelter provided for all of the residents to share, help keep the place clean, tidy and request only a few cheap / inexpensive items to compliment your Food Stamps. Do not horde the free items so you can stock pile the food pantry when you move out and into your own place. That’s simply wrong.

Mind Your Own Business - You are here to help yourself not police others to act the way you believe they should act and or do the things you believe they should do. If you have a safety concern, inform the staff. They staff will make a decision. If they decide that your concern is not / will not endanger you or others accept it. You don’t get your way simply because you complained about it.

People Are Different -  If you don’t understand it than tolerate it. Tolerate that they are different and let them be. You don’t have to accept that they are different from you only let them live there with you without your comments, bitching, complaints or stressful nagging that they should try it your way…even after they have and still do not agree with you. Leave people alone that you don’t like.

Think first, act second -  If you’re confused about this, ask a shelter staff attendant.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Visualizing It

Things have been steadily non-chaotic; which is great but doesn’t leave a lot of room to write about and make it sound interesting. My back is steadily healing as I’m spending a little part of each day walking. I’m also spending at least 1 day at the beach for 45 minutes to an hour walking through the waves as a resistance walk to strengthen muscles.

I'm really enjoying my time at the beach alone. Each time I go, being in the water feels more and more natural. Like swimming in a pool at a house you’ve grown up in. The crashing of the waves against my legs is playful and it almost seems as if Mother Nature herself realized I've come over to her house to play for a bit. On the other hand, it also breaks my heart a bit to realize just how much trash washes up on shore and is left behind. I just don’t understand how people who visit the beach can think that someone else will do it for them. I pick up a little here and a little there and I will now participate in Clean Up The Beach events. But it’s only after the last few times I’ve visited that I realize how one day a month is not enough.

Jobs – I’ve moved from applying to all jobs I’m qualified for to applying only to jobs I believe I could be the right candidate for and could be a company I want to work for long term. While at first this may seem irresponsible and lazy I’m finding that by focusing all of my energy on those specific ads and or employers I’m getting better response. I do still apply to some ads that could be within my target hope (for a quality job) but less so than before.

Last week I had five job interviews. The one in the other county hasn't contacted me yet. I have mixed feelings about that one because it is a fabulous company and a dream job...and I did pretty ok in the interview. Not fabulous because I was nervous and made nervous  mistakes, but good. However, I spent a lot more money on the entirety of the interview and getting there and back than I should have. Plus I'm wondering (yet again) do I want to live in Los Angeles county or anther? I'm very torn between the two possibility.  Would I take it if offered? Absolutely. Will I be completely heart broken if I am not offered the position? No.

In addition, I interviewed with a startup with a lot of great potential in the eCmmerence industry. I was allowed to see the beta site and it really is a fabulous website with a lot of features that will worry the competition. Then there is yet anther company I'm interviewing with. While not as alluring as the first one, it is a good company with a solid foundation but slower growth and a lot more challenging work that only mildly appeals to my "professional" and personal interests. Would I turn it down? Not if I was offered the prior one.

Visualization - I went to a MeetUp group and actually listened to one guy (not the host) talk about visualizing what he wanted regardless of how illogical it sounded and then actually getting it. He said it’s a lot like The Secret but without all of the cheezeball commercial fluff. I do believe that positive attracts positive, so I thought how much more different is it from believing that positive energy attracts positive things to visualizing the things you want as actually being yours?

The three things I want right now (and will have) which isn’t too difficult but still stressful and relies on things out of my control are…

1) The kind of position I want for myself right now but leads to a promotion in a field I want to be in and have some experience in. On paper it looks like I’m stepping down from my experience. However, after so much chaos, I want something I’m really good at and moving into harder after I feel more confident and secure.

2) Transitional housing that will lead to my own (studio or 1bd) place with a fenced in type back or front yard.

3) Extra money for Halloween or even to pay off a traffic fine which prevents me from getting my driver’s license back.

There is a long list of things I want and maybe if I list them here…the things I do want in my future but am not ready to have yet will be mine... the actual visualization of those things will put them in some space of limbo so that once I am ready they will happen.

So what do I want that I WILL have… I’m only going to list the things I want for 2010 & 2011. Because while there are things I really want, I’m not ready for them yet, such as a family type boat where I can go boating again.

What do I want that I WILL have by the end of 2011? (Not in any type of chronicle order)

To go back to college to start the process of obtaining a Bachelor’s degree.

Therapist or Life Coach to help me stay on the right path.

Go to a specialist for an undocumented health problem / condition which does affect my work, personal life and self confidence…and have it taken care of (fixed) or confirmed, accepted and get whatever special thing I need for it.

A scooter for city travel

A car – used and paid flat out, no financing.

An RV Van - financed so that it’s not a junker ...and than get rid of the junker so I can save money on insurance and possibly rent. And install a good quality car (RV) alarm for it.

Take mechanic classes so I can fix my own minor car / RV Van repairs.

Take martial art classes. Not just for the hobby and self confidence of getting the colored belts but to truly feel I can protect myself.

Learn how to surf

Take photography classes and buy a nice camera

2 new laptops – 1 for home that has all the bells and whistles and 1 for café use.

An iPad

To have at least $2000 in savings and continue to put money in savings.

I know I said this already but a bathroom all of my own so that kids (or other residents) don’t walk in on me

Aftermath of Domestic Violence

From domestic violence to District Attorney abuse

This is just one of the reasons why some women (and men) don't report domestic violence. After going through the trauma with the partner/spouse, they / we have to face a whole new trauma of going through court. Unfortunately, I know this one from personal experience.

  • Third Woman Accuses Wisconsin DA of 'Sexting' Harassment -ABC NewS
  • Ken Kratz, Sexting DA, Says He Won't Resign, Commits to Therapy  - CBS News
  • Ken Kratz takes medical leave after sexting suspect's girlfriend - City Pages Blog
  • Ken Kratz resigns as Calumet County District Attorney - FOX 11

Calumet County's district attorney tried to start a relationship with a domestic violence victim by sending her 30 text messages over three days while he was prosecuting her ex-boyfriend.

A third woman has come forward to claim she was harassed via text message by a Wisconsin prosecutor who has already come under fire for allegedly sending sexually charged messages to two other women on separate occasions.

In one text, Kratz asked, "Are u the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA ... the riskier the better?"

In another, he said "I have the $350,000 house. I have the 6-figure career. You may be the tall, young, hot nymph, but I am the prize!"

Several other women came forward with reports of inappropriate sexual advances from Kratz in the days to follow.

"The reason why I'm coming forward is he abuses his power, not only with women, but with women in certain situations who are extremely vulnerable to his authority," Ruskiewicz, 31, an Appleton, Wis

Read more: HERE

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What The Fuck!?

Teen gets 12-month sentence for minor offense, juvenile counselor gets probation for rape!

A hulking juvenile counselor named Tony Simmons led her in handcuffs from the girls holding area to the elevator.

She expected Tyson, as Simmons was called, to bring her up to the courtroom where she was scheduled to be sentenced for filing a false police report.

Instead, the elevator descended to the basement. The 42-year-old counselor pulled down her pants and raped her with calm, practiced precision that made him all the more terrifying.

"He knew exactly what he was doing," Ashley said. "Everything."

When he was done, Simmons pulled her pants back up and the elevator ascended to the courtroom. He raised an extended index finger to his lips in a mute command for her to say nothing.

Simmons continued to prey on teenagers in his custody until 2008, when a 15-year-old girl came forward to say he had sodomized her behind a locker in the girls holding area, which he stocked with condoms and cookies. Investigators believe the assaults go back a decade to the rape of a 13-year-old in the holding area.

"Just the tip of the iceberg," Assistant District Attorney Amir Vonsover said in 2008, when Simmons was indicted for three sex assaults.

On Sept. 27, Simmons appeared in court and pleaded guilty to raping Ashley and sexually assaulting two other teens.

He received probation.


Friday, October 1, 2010


The seven eight signs of the apocalypse.

There are eight... Special K was nice to me by complimenting me. That has got to be a sign of apocalypse. Maybe she came down from whatever it is she is or has but the day before yesterday she wished me good luck on my interview....and meant it. Then she walked out and never came back to the shelter. Didn’t bother to tell the staff where she was going or even calling to say she was leaving. They had no idea where she was or if she was even dead. She finally called today to get her belongings. No thank you for housing me or feeding me, just I want my stuff back.

The second interview went great and I’m scheduled for a third on Monday. Now the big worry is where I will live. It’s in another county and I know that both the homeless shelters and transitional housing programs are full. I spent today emailing churches and community resources. Two got back to me so far. Unfortunately one doesn't open their shelter until December. But the other asked me for my resume as proof I'm real and not some scammer. Plus my case manager (much better one this time) is planning to talk to me Tuesday. This way I'll know or hopefully I will know better if this job really is going to happen.

I called my first DV roommate a few days ago and she emailed me tonight. She's not made at me for flaking out. I was worried she would be disappointed or something or figure that I wasn't worth the time if I couldn't get it right the first time (for her knowing me.) And I will get it right this time. We're going to try to meet for lunch come Monday.

I did terrible at my last interview for a different company. I was over confident and under prepared. Uggg, won't let that happen again.

My current roommate is going back home to her original home state. I'm pretty glad she’s going. I had a lot of fun with her last weekend but she become a mooch, always asking me to buy her this or that. Not interested in being anyone's proxy boyfriend. Especially to one who wants nothing but luxury items and doesn't even appreciate the things she's given by the shelter. She actually threw away some extremely nice clothing because she couldn't fit it in her backpack. I savaged them because I know there will be another woman who will need them after she leaves. Plus, she's a hidden slob. She throws food under tables or chairs and leaves them there. Yuck!

As of 9 pm tonight, I have a casual weekend and a room all to myself...ahhhhh. I plan to enjoy it while I can.

Saturday, September 25, 2010


I'm an adult woman and I am dealing with a bully who hasn't grown up. But I like how Ruben Navarrette Jr. (nationally syndicated columnist & contributor) said it best about today's world.

What used to be considered unacceptable is now thought to be normal, and what used to be normal is now unacceptable.

Father defends his daughter - why didn't the school? 

...the 42-year-old father from Lake Mary, Florida, stormed onto a school bus and -- in a screed captured on video -- threatened the bus driver and some of the students with bodily harm.

"Now everybody sit down; sit down," Jones says on the tape. And then, addressing his daughter: "Show me which one. Show me which one." The girl points in the direction of a group of students, which Jones then approaches. He told them: "This is my daughter, and I will kill the [expletive] who fought her." He also threatened the bus driver.

Jones obviously behaved badly. But he was trying to do the right thing. He didn't board that bus to bully students as some have suggested. This isn't a story about a grown man terrorizing kids for the fun of it.

When is bullying going to be an unacceptable activity?

Read Don't punish dad for defending daughter HERE

Dangerous “Victims”

I’m keeping this short because I have good news. I filed a complaint against Special K regarding the major and small events that she has been doing in an effort to make my life miserable. Yesterday morning my roommate and I went to the store to get a few picnic food items to celebrate her birthday. When we got back I discovered that someone had been in our room. Worse… someone had taken my bottle of mouthwash and poured a tiny amount of bleach into the bottle. Not much but enough that someone with a really good sense of smell (people with medical problems who have developed a good sense of smell) could tell that something other than mouthwash was inside. The mouthwash is clear as is bleach – no one could tell by sight only smell. The only people home were staff, Special K and her roommate. Her roommate had come into our room earlier when she thought neither of us would be there - 7:30, a time I'm usually gone by. However, I slept in because it was my roommates birthday and wasn't planning to go job hunting that day. When she discovered we were both still there she rushed out of our room. Hmmm

I immediately took the issue to staff but because neither I or anyone else saw her do it she was thoroughly lectured and I’m sure threatened to be kicked out…but allowed to stay for now. Now I have to lock up my laptop and our room door has to be locked whenever we leave the actual shelter. My roommate was pissed that it almost ruined her birthday but we quickly made up for it. We headed to the beach where we had a picnic and walked in the waves. It was truly a gorgeous day and I found 3/4th of a sand-dollar on the beach, which I gave to her as a birthday present. I'm poor :p

My back is healing and I’m now able to walk in the sand - for a decent amount of time and distance. Not great but much better then a couple of weeks ago. When I got home (shelter,) I discovered an email requesting an interview from one of my all time favorite websites :) I was so thrilled I jumped around until I remembered my back was sore. I can’t wait to call and schedule an interview. I am going to knock the interviewer’s socks off! I will be so prepared it will almost be scary. The hardest part will be coming up with the money to go to the interview as its in anther county. I'm going to try to sell the last of what I have left thats worth money to pay for the train fare. I don't care that I may have to sell something I love.... for this company its worth it.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Delusional paranoid but not domestic violence

Bad habits are hard to break. I befriended Special K in hopes that if I did she would loosen up. She did until she became a delusional paranoid...but after she dressed extremely sexy, flirted with almost every single good looking man, sexually came on to two members of the band and stayed until after the band stopped playing in hopes of getting at least one phone number. So let me back up a bit....

Special K asked resident (a) and I to go with her to see a band. When we were getting dressed up to go Special K asked me to take a photo of her. This turned into a silly photo shoot using my camera phone. no biggie, just a few silly pictures. At 9 I was ready to go because I wake up early to go job hunting. However Special K was having too much fun dancing like a stripper so she said she would walk home be it.

A couple of days later I mentioned that I needed to come up with a new blog that was personal that I could use for my resume (blogging jobs.) Special K came to me and said she had an idea for me to use as a blog topic. We talked about it where each of us contributed ideas on what it could be about. I came up with the idea of women posting stories about anything at all but the common dominator being that all posting would be women from domestic violence experiences, not writing stories about domestic violence just that they had that one common trait. Special K asked questions and the conclusion was that it wasn’t a good idea because it was too difficult to do.

After the conversation I went to my room to get dressed and ready to leave for job hunting. I went into the kitchen and Special K immediately verbally attacked me accusing me of posting things about her online, demanding I remove things I had said about her online, telling me I did not have her permission to talk about her online and then demanded I delete the
photos I took of her.

I repeatedly told her that I have never posted her pictures online and hadn't even uploaded them to email to her (as she requested.) I told her I would delete the pictures and said she can watch me delete them. She continually told me to remove anything I said about her online and I did not have her permission to talk about her ect…

When we went to my room I handed Kelly (opps) my phone so she could delete the pictures herself…which she did and deleted personal photos that were not even taken in the city of Los Angeles. I then showed her that I deleted the photos not only of her but of all of us as well. She repeatedly asked me if I had uploaded her pictures to the internet and I told her over and over I would show her my email account to prove nothing but that the other resident's pictures were emailed from that night.

Then she questioned me about having photos of children in my phone (the ones she deleted). At that point I got severely defensive and said those photos were of my friend’s kids and she had no rights what so ever to tell me what pictures I
could not have.

From there it only escalated... when I got home she played the wounded 16 year old. After five minutes too many I told her to take it to the staff, which she did. When I followed to talk to staff she accused me of stalking and chasing after her, bashing the office door in (I refused to let it be slammed in my face by her) and then said I was preventing her from leaving the office because I was in the doorway.

Tonight I refused to change my routine and did as I always do after a day of job looking... got my laptop and went to the dining hall to watch tv and research work (resume) related blog information. She immediately cried to the staff about how unfair I was to be using my laptop in her presence. Complained and bitched so much that the staff member finally came to me to go to the office to use my laptop. At first I said she needed to grow up and deal with it. But I could see how frustrated she was with Special K so I relented. Apparently she had ranted and complained for well over 30 minutes. That was how long I was watching TV before she came to me. She also took me aside and kindly asked me to try and stay on this side for a while to give her space. We both know it’s not fair to me but one of us has to give in and be sensible and it isn't worth a fight for me so... here I am in the office space. But I'm going back and Kelly (opps) can just throw her hissy fit until she long as I don't have to clean it up.

One thing I have learned from this experience is that not all of the women who go to DV Shelters belong here. They may be fucked up basket cases but that doesn't mean they deserve to go to a DV Shelter. If I had to live with Special K I would do heavy drugs too. Then again there is such a thing as an eviction process...the drugs are easier.

The sad truth is that she is jealous. My roommate and I get along really well (hmm maybe I’m not such a bitch) and we spent last laughing so hard we were in tears. We saw her walk back and forth outside our window at least twice. We’re in a separate building so we only go inside the main building for the kitchen and meals. Since this begun Special K has tried to cozy up to my roommate who wants nothing to do with her because she is creeped out by the overly friendly (desperate) attempts at friendship with her. She doesn’t like to be touched and Special K literally forces herself onto her and hugs her…or tries to. Now my roommate is timid of even going to the kitchen without me. Grrreeat. :/

Monday, September 13, 2010

Vampiric 4 Square

I never was good at 4 Square.

Subject D was forced to leave by police escort. Subject (Special) K freaked out at 3 am and said that Subject D was about to burn the house down if we all didn’t die of gas poisoning first. I was asleep so I don't know what happened. But since there had been previous complaints she was escorted to a facility more equipment to manage her needs.

That same day Special K threw away ALL of the leftover food (only a day or two old at most) in both the refrigerator and freezer as well a huge basket of vegetables. Her undeniable explanation was that the refrigerator was filthy therefore everything that wasn't sealed in a commercially purchased container and date with a well defining 'Still Good' date was disgusting and no good. Almost half the food supply is now gone.

I think this chick is bi-polar. I’ve known a couple of bipolar and high anxiety types and she exhibits similar traits.

I had to go through items I purchased and circle the words “Refrigerate After Opening,” because she has placed perishable items in cabinets instead of leaving them in the refrigerator. She is very much like me ex. Finds something to complain about every single day and there is always more then one thing that isn’t done or isn’t done the “right” (her) way.

She watches daytime talk shows all day, her opinion is the only one that makes sense and she dates only cholos…am I spelling that right? A Cholo?

Urban Dictionary:

1) cholo
...typically dresses in chinos (khahki pants), a wifebeater ...

2. cholo
buy cholo mugs, tshirts and magnets
1) Mexican Gangster 

2) Mexican Gangster Style
1) "My homeboy got shot up but some cholos from Norte...

3) ...This look is subject to change as gang-culture evolves. 

buy cholo mugs, tshirts and magnets

And I thought I dated fucked up men / rejects.

 But I’ve figured out a secret about her. If no one is in the room with her… if you don’t pay attention to her she turns off her vampireic energy feeding.

But all of that doesn’t matter. I’m back to square one. Transitional housing programs are full and in two to three weeks I will yet again be at the “you're not an (addict, single mom, XXX), you don’t qualify” stage. Because this is my second cycle there are even less choices. In addition, they do know about the last shelter and yet I’m still here. They could have rightfully asked me to leave at any time. But regardless, there is no place to go. If I don’t find a job soon I’ll be right back to Skid Row, homeless shelters or asking my ex if I can return. He would love to gloat over me and tell me how much of a failure my “little independence stunt” really was. In other words, I have no place to go, again.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Skid Row VS Real Life

Don't Feed the Homeless

The day after the memorial for Sept 11th and a day of tolerance Los Angeles Officals say Don't Feed the Homeless. WOW.....

I only spent two days and three nights on Skid Row but it was enough to scare me straight...i.e. realize that was my destination if I didn't make some huge changes in my life. I realize now that those on Skid Row is made up of some very destintive types.

  • Those who have spiraled to the depths of lost and will never recover.
  • Those who were born, grew up and still live in Skid Row and will create the next generation of Skid Row
  • Those who co-exist with Skid Row, work normal lives and are content with the co-exsistence
  • Those who were like me. First time on Skid Row due to economy, bad choices or similiar reason.

Dozens of groups from across the Southland converge on downtown Los Angeles every week to hand out food and clothing in skid row.

Residents and business owners complain about the trash they leave behind. City officials question the wisdom and safety of street distributions in an area with numerous organizations that help the homeless.

Union Mission - the facilities are needed but they offer only bed and meals and neither isn't much to brag about.

Weingart - Don't even get me started about their Transitional program. The Program Manager (Merna) is a snobbish bully who thinks too little of the people she is suppose to be helping.

"These folks don't know what happens when they leave," said Los Angeles police Officer Deon Joseph, who as senior lead officer is a liaison to the community. "We've had people get stabbed after fighting over clothes. We've had people get sick after eating their food. It's just dangerous and irresponsible."

If this is the case... why doesn't these organizations work with the existing agencies and or why doesn't the existing agencies work with the outsiders to do the most good for the people who most want and need it?

Some community activists allege that the opposition to street distributions has more to do with gentrification than with protecting homeless people. The city's vision for a revitalized downtown, they suggest, does not include soup lines.

This makes sense and Skid Row needs a major revitalization. It needs to discontinue being a Homeless Asylum and needs to work with the people who truly want help to better their lives. This means free school / education for jobs that will help them leave Skid Row. Free housing while in school, free daycare, medical assistance and transportation while in school and or looking for a job.

On the side of police, residents and businesses - they have a right to complain and demand that if an organization offers meals it is the organization's responsibility to clean up what they brought. That should mean bringing garbage cans and food that doesn't require utensils.

In my opinion though the most important thing needed is for everyone involved to work together, forget the politic and remember that not everyone on Skid Row is a bum.

A case of Cybil or just avoiding police/ ICE?

Relatives identify the Guatemalan day laborer as Manuel Jamines. But coroner's officials find a fingerprint match with the name Manuel Ramirez and immigration papers calling him Gregorio Luis Perez. - LA Times

I am not anti immigrants, I’m anti illegal immigrants (from any country) and this is only one example of why.

Manuel Jaminez, a name they obtained from a cousin at the scene.
Why would you let your cousin or any member of your family sleep outside (near where you live) and not get him into professional medical help? Even if he refused you can legally say he was (and he was in fact) a threat to himself and potentially others.

Protests, memorials and sporadic bouts of violence have occurred in the neighborhood almost daily since an LAPD bicycle officer shot and killed the laborer near 6th Street and Union Avenue. It was around 1 p.m. when a pedestrian flagged down a group of three bicycle officers. They were told that a man with a knife was threatening people, according to a police statement.

Officers approached the man, ordered him to drop the knife several times in both English and Spanish, and opened fire when he allegedly lunged at one of the officers, authorities said.

Police said that they recovered a knife from the scene and that detectives are investigating the killing.
...and if the police left your neighborhood you would all scream discrimination for not receiving the same police assistance that other rich white neighborhood receive :/

The officer that shot him has been brought up on previous charges for excessive force. So this does bring up some questions on could he have injured the man to disable him from an attack? Was his shot the only choice he had in protecting himself, his fellow offers and the public?

The man was wielding a knife and making threats to both pedestrians and police officers. That alone says he is a dangerous threat if only at that moment. 

Saturday, September 11, 2010


She hasn't been here even 24 hours and she's driving me batty. Complaining about everything the DV Shelter doesn't have, provide or offer and refuses to even hear out a different opinion then her's. Now she's blaming the DV Shelter for not having a dryer with proper drying settings which shrank her clothes. I finally made a sarcastic reply and said matter-of-factly "I'm just glad I'm not still getting beat up."  Of course this annoyed her because she simply wanted to know if I knew how to set a non setting drying machine.

Of course all of it is rubbing me the wrong way. (from a previous post)

"The DV Staff have been saints to me. They scheduled me to see a real doctor who actually cares (female) and not only gave me medication for the {back} pain but referred me to a different hospital for x-rays, counseling and physical therapy. If it wasn’t for them I honestly believe I would have been thrown out on the street by Homeless Hating Hospital and left for the street vultures." 

In addition my former roommate who is from the Middle East made me aware of one very important difference. In her country your choices for domestic violence is stay and put up with it or live in the streets. In America, we have choices. Even if the choice doesn't include my own room, a closet full of my clothes or new clothes and even if it lacks some much appreciated furnishing (such as a garbage can in the bathroom), it is a solid roof over my head in a good area, groceries to keep me fed and everything is free including violence free living. So nitpicking / complaining about the little things gets on my nerves.

"If you don't like it, go back to your abusive partner."

Emotional Stability

If it wasn’t my reality it would be funny.

Subject D (resident) is an emotionally / mentally disabled individual.

Subject (brand new resident) is an emotionally stability lacking individual with certain quirks (different from my own.)

The difference is that Subject D argues debates and complains to herself and anyone willing to listen and or contribute… while Subject K is excessively clean and “everything must be disinfected” Human Rights everywhere individual. She writes down every single thing that makes her uncomfortable and says that it’s basic Human Rights not to be made to feel uncomfortable.

Between the two I may not need to fake an addiction – I’ll start one all of my own.

Note: If you feel uncomfortable giving me money, please consider donating to any Domestic Violence and or free medical clinic organization.

“The 40-Year-Old Virgin” actor Shelley Malil claimed he arrived at her home on the night of the attack to find her drinking wine with a male friend named David Maldonado. Malil said he felt threatened by Maldonado and was sure he would attack him with a gun following a scuffle.

Prosecutors allege that Malil used two different knives. Beebe suffered a punctured lung as a result of the attack. - FOX News

Friday, September 10, 2010

Still here

and slowly growing stronger. Each day I get a little stronger and a little more use from my back. But it definitely sucks having an injured back when the skies overhead are so blue.

I'm signed up for General Relief which I learned is not free money like CalWorks. General Relief money is paid back once you have a job. In addition, I can't participate in any kind of GR 'job club'  including sitting through boring orientations and work shops (which are require prior to their job club) until I am released from doctor's orders. Sucks because the orientation and workshops take three weeks...I'm out for three more weeks.

No worries though, the WIA program is separate from GR and I can attend their orientation and workshop(s)  which may also take up to three weeks before the actual job assistance starts.

My 'roommate' is from Skid Row and rarely sleeps in her bed. I believe she could be one of the Skid Row rape victims I've read about; not going to ask though. She's easy enough to avoid conflict with but like Trauma Queen has some pretty severe emotional difficulties. She'll probably be granted her SSI benefits -  very noticeable mental defects.

One of the residents is older then me and is in the process of obtaining her citizenship. She's seriously considering a career within the LAPD. Too old to be a police officer but I'm sure (or hope) there are a lot of other opportunities.

Me... I am so bored. I can't wait until I can walk for more than 10 minutes.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Homeless Crime

Los Angeles police shot and killed a man who reportedly threatened bystanders with a knife in a bustling Westlake shopping district on Sunday, authorities said.

Officers with the bicycle unit of LAPD's Rampart Division were responding to an unrelated call about 1 p.m. when a pedestrian flagged them down and alerted them to a man with a knife near 6th Street and Union Avenue, according to Cmdr. Blake Chou. The officers confronted the man and ordered him to drop the knife several times. When he failed to drop the weapon, officers began firing, police said.

Some residents of the neighborhood said officers routinely harassed them there and took the opportunity Sunday to voice their opinions about the police.

"Killers go to hell," one person said.

"You guys don't have the right to come to our neighborhood and assassinate people," another yelled.

A resident living less than a block from the scene said the dead man was middle-aged, well-known in the area and frequently appeared to be drunk. She often saw him passed out not far from where he was shot.

"The police told him, 'Put the knife down, put the knife down'" Woods said. She said the man responded by becoming agitated and rambling loudly. "You could see him wobbling from side to side," she said.

Meleika Williams, another resident, said the man may have stabbed people on the streets before he was shot by police. Authorities said they could not confirm whether anyone had been stabbed but said no one was taken to the hospital.


Wikipedia: Skid Row is said to be America's only third world city.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Just one more chance, please?

I’m starting over. I honestly feel like I have died. Maybe not physically but in every other way I feel like I’ve died and am dead. I've been offline for over a month from people who have known me for more than a year, a couple for more than three years and yet… no one wonders where I am or even if I’m dead, no one cares. I’ve alienated quality people I should have kept in contact with and I surrounded myself with people who were only slightly more stable then myself but still lives within their own muck.

I’ve really screwed my life up and I feel like, if there is a god or goddess even he/she is sick of my negative bullshit. I'm riddled with guilt and I feel like if I even have a chance left this is it, no more chances. I’ve fucked up and I know it. I deserve whatever happens to me in the next few days if it’s negative. I lied to the DV Shelter I’m in. I told them I have never been in a DV Shelter before. I lied because I knew (or believe) that if I said I had they would say

“Sorry Charlie, you can’t do it twice in a row.”

But I couldn’t stay in Skid Row. I was dying inside and knew that it was only a matter of days before I died physically. The herniated disc injury was something I wasn’t expecting and yet it may have saved my life or at least saved me from Skid Row, but for how long? The DV Shelter knows I lied and I lied to cover up my lie. If they call the former DV Shelter I was at my entire lie will be exposed… so I deserve whatever may happen come Monday or Tuesday.

Lying and abusive environments / boyfriends is all I know. It’s all I’ve ever known since I was kid. Lie to show your as wealthy as the neighbors, lie that your father isn't an alcoholic, lie that your mother is the real life Mary Pippins, lie that everything in life is just peachy, lie about how you fractured your arm, broke your foot, got the bruises on your wrist, cheek, shoulder – everything is fine, I’m just clumsy. Lying to save my own ass and make everyone believe that all is happy and good. Except in this case I lied to put a roof over my head without street thug women eying my belongings wondering if there’s anything of mine they want.

I did show up at the transitional housing program Monday. The self centered cunt said that I couldn’t just show up anytime I wanted – “it doesn't work that way. You'll have to make a new appointment.” The first appointment took me two weeks of phone calls and begging to get. So she made the mistake of not putting my name on the list for intake before she leaves for the weekend but I’m the one that pays the price for her mistake... So I lied.

I want to change but it may be too late. I didn’t lie meaning to. I didn’t do it to hurt anyone else or to be purposely deceitful. I just couldn’t handle Skid Row. Then my back went out.

I’m growing stronger every day. I still can’t lift or carry much weight but in time I will. Time isn’t something I have a lot of. If come Monday or Tuesday and they find out all of the truth I have no doubt they’ll ask me to leave. I wouldn’t blame them; I would do the same in their position.

I want to change. No more abusive boyfriends and no more vampire positive energy sucking “friends”. I see how much I’ve fucked up my life. How many chances I’ve been given by people and Fate, but it may be too late now, and I have no one to blame but myself. I’m trying to stay positive and tell myself that everything is going to be ok. They won’t verify, they won’t ask me to leave. But I don’t believe I deserve another chance and what you believe comes true…

Only a genuine miracle will keep me in this place. If come Wednesday and I’m still here, I swear I will change and will never let this happen again. I hope it’s not too late.