It’s War

I just started a war.

Tonight I was pushed too far. After all of the non Hispanic woman complained and those complaints have continually been ignored it got worse. We were told that we are the residents it’s our job to figure it ourselves. However we have tried that and even though the problems have escalated the staff will not step in. I am now forced to go to a public café, spend money I shouldn’t just so I can earn a little extra money online (now only $2 at most after buying a coffee and website service fees for the contract work I do.) So a $4 job which is a lot less than half the normal rate for what I do for an hour (not cyber sex) is now only $1 or $2 depending if I have to take a bus there and how much a coffee or soda costs. In addition it’s now freezing. I have no money for a winter jacket but oh well. If I want to make that $1 or $2 an hour as well as continue to push my career further that is what I have to do.

The Hispanic women are hording food in their rooms and so today I made myself five sandwiches so that I could at least have one sandwich a day for lunch…but I’m lectured about it even though all of the non-Hispanic women have complained about the food hording and food wasted by them and their children for at least a week.

I’m forced out of the house and into the cold and I’m expected to do an equal share and more so of the chores. I told her no. I said I would clean up after myself but that’s it. I said it is not fair that I’m being told to deal with it and that’s that. "It's a shelter and you have to make sacrifices." But the Hispanic women don't? So it's ok that they are screaming, kicking, throwing, punching, defacing the property, refusing to allow the other residents to watch tv, waste food and horde food and making it impossible for all the other residents to be in the same room with them...what sacrifices are they making?

If I don’t have an equal share of the house common areas, or the food and if my comfort level does not matter and if I have to spend extra money just to work and suffer the cold because of it than I will not share equal duty in caring for it. Especially when in the past I have gone above and beyond in volunteering to help out with computer issues, extra chores and have even bought and donated items to the house because it was needed.

Angry? You betcha.

Tonight I looked up the program director and emailed her. There was a limit of characters and so I wrote that there were serious issues being ignored and in my opinion there was racial favoritisms happening – with my phone number. Will I get kicked out? Yea, probably. I can’t possibly imagine not being kicked out after that email. But enough is enough and someone has to say something…why me? Because I’m a fucking martyr. I may come out of the internet closet after all… I’ll contact some newspaper journalists if I’m kicked out.

Smart People NOT Welcomed

I am really sick of the prejudice that exist in domestic violence shelters. If you (a DV Victim) are not Hispanic or under educated you are not expected to be a domestic violence victim. I have seen repeatedly how Hispanics are being given extra services or told about services that non-Hispanics are not told about. Examples

There is a mailing service in California where you can set up an account with so that all of your mail is routed through their office and forwarded to you. I only learned of this service through the program counselor (not Hispanic.)

Three of the Hispanic women 2 without kids and 1 with kids were all transferred to a very nice, brand new transitional housing where each resident gets their own room. I’m told it’s not available.

The snobbish Hispanic woman here can easily afford to buy her own groceries. She requests food items from the weekly grocery request list for her singular use and receives them. One resident asked for brown sugar so she could make coffee cake for the house and I have asked for Rice Milk so I can eat cereal and have neither requests were granted.

The other residents and I (non Hispanics) complained about the rapidly increasing rudeness of this woman and what she is allowing her daughter to do…nothing. They only told her we complained and we now have dirty dishes in the sink from her, flies around the kitchen because she now won’t empty the trash or get rid of cooked grease or half eaten food. Now it’s worse.

And now I’m told that I have to cancel a day of (brand new) work because the transitional housing doesn’t want to provide m e a morning time appointment to do an intake interview. It’s not like I have a one day opening only. I’m available any day in the morning and any time on the weekend but I’m told that if I’m serious about getting into a transitional housing program I’ll take whatever appointment they give to me.

In addition, there is a questionable atmosphere rereading my employment and new virtual internship – they don’t like that I’m working after their curfew time even before I enter their program. Apparently they prefer non working under educated people to go through their “work training” program. I’ve glimpsed their “work training” program. For people who have never worked before or are newly recovering addicts it’s a great program. But if you have any higher educational at all, even a certificate program it is like returning to grade school from college.

Their curfew is 6pm and apparently the night is filled with so many bad elements that even breathing them in to and from work is not allowed. Internet at the housing other than in their ‘computer lab’ and under their watchful eye is deemed inappropriate. God forbid I look at some website other than EDD or Craig’s List for fabulous (below entry level) jobs and great religious (im)moral roommates.

This is so wrong.

I wish I could outs myself here. I am in no way saying I’m perfect or even near it and I'm not saying I'm better. However I do a lot of good work , work related projects and self awareness things that honestly works towards a better world for kids and adults. However all that is viewed of me (how I feel) is that I’m white, I’m educated and I’m a bothersome women that they have to deal with and put somewhere but will do so with as little resources or assistance as possible.

It’s wrong.

Skid Row VS Real Life

Don't Feed the Homeless

The day after the memorial for Sept 11th and a day of tolerance Los Angeles Officals say Don't Feed the Homeless. WOW.....

I only spent two days and three nights on Skid Row but it was enough to scare me straight...i.e. realize that was my destination if I didn't make some huge changes in my life. I realize now that those on Skid Row is made up of some very destintive types.

• Those who have spiraled to the depths of lost and will never recover.
• Those who were born, grew up and still live in Skid Row and will create the next generation of Skid Row
• Those who co-exist with Skid Row, work normal lives and are content with the co-exsistence
• Those who were like me. First time on Skid Row due to economy, bad choices or similiar reason.

Dozens of groups from across the Southland converge on downtown Los Angeles every week to hand out food and clothing in skid row.


Residents and business owners complain about the trash they leave behind. City officials question the wisdom and safety of street distributions in an area with numerous organizations that help the homeless.

Union Mission - the facilities are needed but they offer only bed and meals and neither isn't much to brag about.

Weingart - Don't even get me started about their Transitional program. The Program Manager (Merna) is a snobbish bully who thinks too little of the people she is suppose to be helping.


"These folks don't know what happens when they leave," said Los Angeles police Officer Deon Joseph, who as senior lead officer is a liaison to the community. "We've had people get stabbed after fighting over clothes. We've had people get sick after eating their food. It's just dangerous and irresponsible."

If this is the case... why doesn't these organizations work with the existing agencies and or why doesn't the existing agencies work with the outsiders to do the most good for the people who most want and need it?

Some community activists allege that the opposition to street distributions has more to do with gentrification than with protecting homeless people. The city's vision for a revitalized downtown, they suggest, does not include soup lines.

This makes sense and Skid Row needs a major revitalization. It needs to discontinue being a Homeless Asylum and needs to work with the people who truly want help to better their lives. This means free school / education for jobs that will help them leave Skid Row. Free housing while in school, free daycare, medical assistance and transportation while in school and or looking for a job.

On the side of police, residents and businesses - they have a right to complain and demand that if an organization offers meals it is the organization's responsibility to clean up what they brought. That should mean bringing garbage cans and food that doesn't require utensils.

In my opinion though the most important thing needed is for everyone involved to work together, forget the politic and remember that not everyone on Skid Row is a bum.

Homeless Crime

Los Angeles police shot and killed a man who reportedly threatened bystanders with a knife in a bustling Westlake shopping district on Sunday, authorities said.


Officers with the bicycle unit of LAPD's Rampart Division were responding to an unrelated call about 1 p.m. when a pedestrian flagged them down and alerted them to a man with a knife near 6th Street and Union Avenue, according to Cmdr. Blake Chou. The officers confronted the man and ordered him to drop the knife several times. When he failed to drop the weapon, officers began firing, police said.




Some residents of the neighborhood said officers routinely harassed them there and took the opportunity Sunday to voice their opinions about the police.


"Killers go to hell," one person said.


"You guys don't have the right to come to our neighborhood and assassinate people," another yelled.


A resident living less than a block from the scene said the dead man was middle-aged, well-known in the area and frequently appeared to be drunk. She often saw him passed out not far from where he was shot.


"The police told him, 'Put the knife down, put the knife down'" Woods said. She said the man responded by becoming agitated and rambling loudly. "You could see him wobbling from side to side," she said.


Meleika Williams, another resident, said the man may have stabbed people on the streets before he was shot by police. Authorities said they could not confirm whether anyone had been stabbed but said no one was taken to the hospital.

LINK


Wikipedia: Skid Row is said to be America's only third world city.

Good morning Skid Row

While the vampires are out…

#2 NOTE: Because I couldn't get online last night I'm posting this in two different blog postings to break up the length. 


The dorm style room is filled with approximant 100 to 115 bunk beds. The mattresses are plastic and the sheets are badly stained but clean. The pillows are scarce and the blankets are anything but soft and the air is hot, sticky and stale. At least the bathrooms here have full size doors unlike the lounge with half size doors and no locks on either. The best looking room sadly enough is the storage room – wish I could have slept in there.

The women are getting ready for bed in attire I wouldn’t wear even as a joke. Most are smart and wear sweats and a tank top. Others…I’ll never wear bike shorts again. There are some who are ironing clothing for the next day and one woman who is lithe enough to stretch before bed on her top bunk bed. Then there is the woman who meticulously wipes down every part of the metal bed with alcohol including the floor around and underneath her bed. Lots of little stories in this room.

At 10:05pm the lights start to go out. I’m lucky enough to be assigned a bed near a light fixture that is never turned off. Great. It’s like trying to sleep with the lights on. I toss and turn, move this way and that and even though I’m using the pillow less pillowcase as a sleep mask I never truly fall asleep.

• Wake up and look at the clock 2:30 am
• Wake up and look at the clock 3 am
• Wake up and look at the clock 4:15 am
• Wake up and look at the clock 5:10 am

Wake up requirement is at 5:30 am and women start to get ready at 5am. I sleep in to a whole whopping 5:30 am. No showers in the mornings. If you want a shower you have to wait until 2pm or go down the street for a community shower. Thankfully I have an exercise towel with me so I get it wet and sponge myself clean of at least most of the sweat before putting on clean clothes. Wish I still had my gym membership. I’m too chickenshit to use the showers in Skid Row after experiencing the Day Lounge bathroom.

Yea….it’s time for medical green trays filled with edible surprise. The items on the tray change after every 10th person or so. So many people got something different. Coffee? Noooo the men are served first and if they drink it all oh well, too bad for the woman folk. Fuckers! I wait for the office to open but after almost an hour I just want to get out of that place before I’m forced to migrate back to the land of hopelessness.

I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to go back tonight but what other choice do I have? There is no other place to go…until at least Monday. Even as of Monday, I may be forced to stay in Skid Row. Even the thought of going back makes me wonder if its worth it all. I can see how easy it can be to numb your surroundings and deny just how horrible it all really is with drugs.

One woman who was entirely too pissed for my comfort level over the lack of coffee told me that employers in Financial District do not hire anyone with a Skid Row address. As if I would provide a Skid Row address – HELL NO. I’ll put my old address and forward the mail to whatever transitional housing program I get into.

Tips for Skid Row

I don’t know where I learned it or even when. Maybe I somehow just knew it or maybe tidbits of memory are surfacing from my early days when I was with my savior from my {parent} who turned into my “Sleeping With The Enemy” nightmare. Or maybe all the books I’ve read and moves I’ve seen have street educated me. However I learned it I have put into motion some tips I’ve quickly learned or relearned in less than 24hours for staying away from conflict and or being marked...so far.

• When you are eating breakfast, eat with your head down, your eyes level and your ears open. Last night and definitely this morning I noticed a lot of little sparks that could have easily turned into physical conflicts. The coffee less mad woman was definitely not thrilled and I believe she may have been escorted out because she was so mad.

• When you go to the bathroom don’t forget to get a wad of toilet paper from the office. I plan to grab a stack of napkins from McDs and other places. Don’t take your eyes and if your able to your hands off your bag while going to the bathroom. Don’t make eye contact in the bathroom. One female entity was pretty miffed because a woman in the bathroom glanced over at her while she was going to the bathroom.

• When your sitting in the lounge or courtyard or pretty much anywhere… Stare into nothing. Don’t stare at anyone.

• Bump into no one. I bumped into someone with my suitcase and for a second I honestly thought she was going to get out of her chair and “challenge” me. Instead she just grumbled something not understandable.

• Carry with you as little as possible. The smaller the handbag the better and easier it is to put it under your pillow or hold onto while you sleep.

• Don’t assume anything about anyone. Last night a woman seemed perfectly nice and this morning she was practically asking for a fight with anyone willing to yell back at her.

• Say nothing, do nothing, be nothing that can mark you as a target - its about survival. 

When I left the shelter the street looked like a Hollywood setup for a apocalyptic type scene. An ideal set for the TV show Jeremiah. I literately pray I can survive until Monday without upsetting someone, attracting someone and or just marking myself in some way.

Just like prison

But you don’t have to break the law.

NOTE: Because I couldn't get online last night I'm posting this in two different blog postings to break up the length. 

My exit took longer than it was suppose to and longer than it should have. The train was also half an hour late. Because of this I missed the unknown to me closing time which I wasn’t told about. So until Monday I am at the worst of the worst emergency shelters. The place is miserable and scary and depressing and I don’t think even Hollywood could make it look as bleak as it really is. I have never been to prison but I imagine this is a nicer version of it and I don't know if I really can live in Skid Row... I don't know if I can really do have what it takes.

I don’t know if I am THIS strong.

The front door is staffed by an armed security guard who has to buzz you into the complex. Once you’re in you precede to the office…a hole in the wall on the other side of a “Day Lounge.” The day lounge is filled to the brim with female entities that probably haven’t seen better days since they were children. Some watch whatever drool is playing on the TV, others are chatting with others while some are threatening whoever walks by or looks at them. But most are staring into the nothingness.

Securing a bed is much like checking into the ER but with different questions.
Name
Age
Children
Diseases
Mental illness
Medication
Can you sleep on a top bunk without falling off?

How many have fallen off?

After being issued a bed number and told to wait until 8pm to be called to bed women already start to line up for the 6:30pm dinner call. Women line up as early as an hour prior to the feeding. As you enter the cafeteria a larger banner greets you and says
“Jesus loves you.”

Really? I don’t want his love. Personally I’m trying to quite abusive “loving” partners that neglect those they say they love and then serves them misery. So if this is his way of showing me some love, he should just back the $#@! Off.

The line continues past Jesus’ declaration of love where you accept your medical lime green tray of edible substance. The potatoes like substance were pale tan and tastes between squash and what I imagine prison food to taste like. There was something fried that I later overheard was supposed to be egg rolls. They did have shredded edible stuff so I guess thats what they were. The only thing that looked and tasted like it was suppose to was the small pile of salad with hidden salad dressing. At least I hope it was salad dressing. The rice, well, rice isn’t too difficult to 'make' so it looked right… like a mountain from Whoville. Except the mountain was white & the snow was black… and I was grateful for the free food.

Bathrooms in the “Day Lounge” – If walls could talk these would be scared silent, I was. But at least I know where to go for an easy drug purchase.

Soon after dinner and precisely as your ready to return to staring into the nothingness the one man religious concert starts up = Fire & Brimstone – Rock on!

…and there I sat. Wondering when my next shower would be. Whether or not I’ll be able to change my clothes tonight for bed or even the next day. Wondering what the Hell had I done to deserve this fate? Is this my punishment for settling with men I knew deep down were damaged and would do me harm? Settling with less because I didn’t think I deserved more? Never again. If I survive this, no one will ever be able to offer me anything that I can’t provide myself.

Determination is EVERYTHING

It may be hard, but obstacles can be shoved out of the way.

I have been asking repeatedly for my "Case Manager" to call transitional housing programs in Los Angeles. Each time I'm told its not available for one reason or anther. I don't think the shelter I'm at wants to refer me to Los Angeles shelters. I've asked and asked and then I'm pressured to the X shelters where I haven't even be sniffed at by employers locally. Well I have a job interview tomorrow in Los Angeles. I told my "Case Manager" and was given a slightly dirty look when I made it subtly clear that if I was hired I would not give it up...that any transnational housing program I go to will have to be willing to help me with transportation to the job. Even if it is only until my first check.


Yes, I am being stubborn and selfish. Locally, I have filled out much more then a dozen paper and electronic job applications for jobs that no one over 25 should be applying for. I have sent more then 40 resumes this month alone for jobs. Not a single local employer has emailed or called me. I've placed resume website ads, I scan all the major job websites, use business network websites and I've applied to the county government job program. Yes, I would / will probably be approved. But even that program would not supply a potential job or job leads for at least three weeks. Even then there is no guarantee I would make more then minimum wage in a job that would actually help me advance back into a career and not just a means of existing. I've sent resumes throughout the Los Angeles area and have received a couple of emails, a couple of calls and now an interview. What would you do?


I even let my roommate convince me that the transitional housing program she will probably go to should be considered by me... the transitional housing program that I said is too close to my ex. I said I would consider it as long as I was not required to apply to jobs within five miles of his work. After pressuring me to go there, they now seem unwilling to refer me - WTF?! Because my roommate is going there? Are they now trying to pressure Trauma Queen out of the shelter and onto them to deal with? The transitional housing program is very work mandatory based. She doesn't want a job - I DO!


I understand that it is not the shelter's job to supply me with anything more then a route away from my abusive ex. I understand that they're only requirement is to help me locate the next step - a transitional housing program...and that is all. I get it.  It is my job and only my responsibility to provide anything and everything else beyond that. But why would I step out of the gutter just to step into a path that won't help me nearly as much as another that is only slightly harder to reach?


They are now back to pressuring me again to go to a shelter further away from where the jobs are and are very strict due to drug addicts they give shelter to. I'M NOT A ADDICT ...and I should not be treated like one because they give shelter to drug addicts. That is why I didn't want to go to that shelter. I want a job that can help me secure a future. Is that too much to ask for? Do these agencies get bonus points for keeping shelter residents local? I don't care! I want what is best for me and if that means I cannot be tracked as a statistic that is just too damn bad.


My roommate is loaning me the money for the Metrolink fare so I can go to my interview. AND I finally secured an appt with the transnational housing program that has (I believe) great transitional housing programs and resources. I had to leave several messages and my last one practicably begging for an appointment because I have an interview nearby...but I got it. 

HA!


... and one of the LA transnational housing program shelters (which I won't name publicly) is a $*@!ing joke! Before they allow you into their shelter you have to have 90 days of employment.  Emergency shelters are only 30 days maximum length...If your homeless, chances are you don't have a $*@!ing job!

What is it?

I'm wondering if the unsecured network I'm using is not just one from a local resident (or business) but one directly connected to the shelter. I wouldn’t be surprised. With my barely entry level limited knowledge of networking it is possible to view where computers go (online)…hence if the network I’m using is theirs they could indeed see my blog.

Let me clarify what this blog is.

It’s a place for me to rant, rave, think and just "talk." It's much like a journal but it's a blog. I know anyone can read it if they find it.

I would never be this honest in a blog where my name is publicly displayed. So yes, I'm pretty much saying (writing) almost anything I'm thinking or feeling. I'm not making it up nor am I adding to it as any good story teller does. In fact I'm leaving out some bits because it's either irrelevant or not worth mentioning. Why? Because it's either too boring to even write about or it's trivial and would look worse on me for going on and on about just how much she annoys me. Plus, I'm done. She is truly her own worst enemy and nothing I could say could match the harm she is doing to herself...and no I don't want her to be harmed. I want her to wallflower exist until at least I’m out of here.


I genuinely do feel bad for the shelter who cannot morally tell her to find a transitional housing program (move out.) She is damaged physically, emotionally and mentally. But that does not mean she has a right or a defense for causing me or any other resident stress. Obviously I can be selfish and yes I am indeed being selfish now. I have less than one week left here and I do not want to push the shelter in allowing me extra time. I want to move out, move on and move forward. I want the best possible transitional program I can get accepted into. I have not so typical goals (not dreams) that I want and in order to accomplish those goals I have to be 100% self-sufficient. So am I being a bit selfish? Absolutely.


Being any kind of staff member of a shelter is stressful. Just try to imagine having a minimum of five women coming to you constantly, asking for something or pouring out their daily stress. This zaps a lot of energy from people. The women who work here do try hard and do a lot to not only do their job but really care. I believe that even my Case Manager cares and does not intentionally mean to not help me. In fact I believes she  thinks she is doing what is best but doesn’t understand that by doing nothing she is doing negative. I don’t know. No one can really know all the circumstances that influence someone to chose or not chose choices in their daily lives. Then again she is only now showing that maybe she did listen to what I said and sees that even though I am tech / research capable I cant do it all.

SO

Do I have some grievances? Of course. Can I completely blame the staff for things that happen between residents? No, they can only do so much. Whenever you have a group of people from various backgrounds and experiences, the dynamics are bound to sway negatively at least once in a while.

On the other hand I'm upset that it seems no one here seems to understand why I don't want to take even a minimal chance in running into my ex or my ex seeing me on the street. The Metrolink station stop location is at the interception of the highway exit he exits from to go to the office. No one here (staff) has ever asked me what happened. No one knows how he attacked me, why he attacked or even if there is a chance he would again if he saw me...never been asked "is he dangerous? I mean... is this a domestic violence shelter or a "I had an argument with my boyfriend and I don't want to live with him anymore" shelter?

Balls To The Wall

That’s the saying

...that is what my social worker friend tells me I must do and I did. My “Case Manager” started pushing me to yet again consider and go to the transitional housing program that is five miles from where my abusive ex boyfriend occasionally works. I was shocked and even angry as was evident as my voice speed increased. But I kept my balls to the wall and insisted that if he saw me on the street in the area he was not going to be safe and happy to see me. I saw and heard that I got my point across as she sighed heavily and then proceeded to give me a live in housing exchange. I thought wow… maybe she was really going to give me something of value – no. The live in exchange is in the rural redwood forests.

How the bloody &*$! am I to get a job in a rural area when I cannot even get one in an area with more than five hundred thousand people? I said I would think about it and I did; angrily. Then I calmed down and went back to her, stood my ground and said (paraphrasing)

The reason I want to go to X is because it has a wonderful program that truly helps everyone in the program. It has employment assistance, new training skills, medical, housing assistance and support, support groups and counseling. I don’t just need someone to help me get a job and a new apartment or even a shared apartment. I need someone to help me help myself. I keep making the same abusive choices again and again and I need to stop it. I need support and a mentor type person to help me stay on the right path and stay away from negative people and abusive men. I can’t get that at a homeless shelter or a rural location. X or even X offers everything I need to help me help myself…otherwise I’m just going to end up back at another domestic violence shelter again in a couple of years.

I think this time she heard me… I think this time she listened.

She may be trying to push me out for Trauma Queen's sake but I don't care. Trauma Queen is not my concern and I will not allow her to get in my way. After I finished, she said the program sounded like a good program and she picked up the phone to call the transitional housing program.

Push the limit, go all out, full speed ahead - "Balls to the wall"

I think that my roommate wishes I would go to the same transitional housing program as her... I actually wish I could. But it's the one that is way too close to my ex. We get along well and her kids listen to me. They're not use to listening to mom as a diplinary figure as dad made them afraid to do any wrong and mom was a protector not a defender. 

I do wish I could.... but as much as I care about her and wish her well I have to be selfish in this. 

Sink or Swim

The Beautiful People

Knowing I have two distinctively different choices that each present just enough to get started, how do you choose? Each location will be difficult offering something the other doesn’t but not offering something the other does not. For me the key difference so far is jobs. Can I and will I get a job in that location? This situation is causing me stress and the sooner it's over, I choose, a choice is made for me - the sooner I can leave this situation and begin a new one… start building something.

Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast

Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime

I keep coming back to Los Angeles because at least it is in the general area of where I can pursue long term goals. I want to be part of genuine communal living community. A place where everyone in the house took part of the long application process to be part of something they understand is a hive way of living.

There are very few diverse opportunities available in this area or the surrounding rural areas. Though I love the peacefulness of the smaller areas, my spirit races with the diversity of city life. Then again I feel like I'm in rehab and I can't help but wonder if an addict (of negative people) such as myself should so quickly throw herself in to that which put her in this situation... sink or swim?

Can I handle it this time?
Am I ready?
Do I even want to?

Build the foundation that is the key. Build the foundation and the rest (of my goals and desires) will be easier to obtain.


I'm discovering that there is another staff member (Case Manager?) who appears to really want to help me. Maybe because I'm hiding between my earphones now. But she made a pont to come see from at the kitchen table first before even checking into the office.

Asking me how my job hunt was going, if I needed anything from the shelter storage and how I was. I'm tired of wearing my mask so I told her the truth - I wish I had a different Case Manager. Maybe not the smartest move but I'm too tire to lie / be politically nice.

She says she'll look for jobs for me as well and we discussed why I'm having such a hard time landing an interview. My qualifications are getting old, I can't use a couple of my online network websites (because of my ex) and I'm not able to update my skills with college / training.

Sometimes just listening - genuinely caring is enough.

of the House

Drama Drama Drama 

Trauma Queen has been able to convince at least one person that she is the continued victim and is being unfairly targeted for all sorts of meanness. Her Case Manager is also my Case Manager. Case Manager spends so much time attending to Trauma Queen that maybe she has voluntarily given in and chooses to believe her because it’s easier than seeing through the BS and seeing the truth.


My Case Manager asked me how I was and instead of gifting her with a Trauma Queen expected response I told her the antibiotics were working. I’m sure that is not what she was expecting as she stopped texting on her cell phone and looked up at me with a question in her expression that translated into “is that all?” I didn’t add anything to my answer other than to say I was there to take my medicine.

The three transitional programs I called that I know for a fact have an opening…. I was told by my so called Case Manager, that they no longer had an opening. I plan to call first thing Monday morning and again talk to these three shelters and write down the name of the person I speak to and give those names to my so called Case Manager with a request to call that day… subtly telling the program manager I have found openings.

...and it continues...

Trauma Queen is missing her disgusting soap that has sat in the bathroom shower for at least a month and is now missing. I’m sure it was thrown away as it looked too gross for anyone to want to use. I went into the kitchen where my roommate told me of the newest Trauma Queen Enemy of the House – her. TQ asked if she knew what happened to her soap and my roommate responded she had no idea…

TQ said “I knew you would say that,” and stalked off.

{sigh}

My roommate and I talk about real life issues and unfortunately this has become one of them. I reminded her that her only concern is her and her children. Nothing else matters but providing for them and herself. Just as nothing else matters for me except getting myself back to an acceptable living level of happiness - providing for myself.

She made a statement that I can’t help but sadly agree with and relate to. When you have people like Trauma Queen in the world you can’t help but question whether or not you even want to try to get to know people. However, I pointed out that I can provide an admirable example of why it is worth it. I pointed out the differences between her and myself and stated that even with our differences we get along wonderfully.

“Thats why it’s worth getting to know new people.”

What Would You Do?

Would you say something?

When my boyfriend attacked me, I screamed as loudly as humanly possible knowing all of the windows were wide open. No one knocked on our door or even called the police. When I went outside and was talking to the police on the phone, my neighbors came out to do 'stuff.  They fiddled around with 'stuff' (gawking at the car accident syndrome,) but not a single one would look at me let alone ask me if I was ok.

As Fast As You Can

Resident or Case Manger?

I was asked that question by the new woman who just moved in..... Something to think about.


I might be giving the shelter a bad 'look'. Since my case manager can’t or won’t help me find transitional housing I’ve been doing it myself. I’m not one to sit on my ass and wait to be handed anything. Well… I believe that a few of the programs I’ve called are wondering and maybe asking...

“Why is she calling us? Why isn’t her case manger calling us?”

Even though I am still two and a half weeks away from my ‘time limit’ and was told that if I can’t find a place I wouldn’t be kicked out, I am being pressured by my case manager to find a place and fast.

Not everyone who needs help is an addict or a single mom.

Gotta Be Something

Addict, Ex-Offender & Prostitute Rewards

...and families... but mostly everything else.


Lighthouse
Mostly only addicts

Candelaria
Native American Only

Project Transitional Living Center
Families Only

Salvavtion Army Ventura
For hardcore / long term addicts & homeless

Turning Point Foundation
Mentally Ill Only

Hawks residence
Addicts

Alexandria House
Addicts & Families Only

House of Ruth
Addicts & Families Only

Salvavtion Army Westwood
Families Only

1st Step Trans Living
Drug Addiction Only

Friendship Shelter
Must be already working BEFORE allowed to enter program

Stephanie Shelter
Must be already working BEFORE allowed to enter program

American Family
Must be already working BEFORE allowed to enter program
or very strong current work history judged by their opinion of what a strong current work history is.

Wise Place
Native American Only

Illumination
Families Only

Mary's Shelter
Young & Pregnant / newborn

Mercy Shelter
HIV/Aids Only

Casa
Young & Pregnant / Newborn

H.O.M.E.S.
Mentally Ill


FYI

Addiction IS NOT a disease.


Disease
dis·ease (d-zz)
n.
1. A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.


This is only a partial list as an example. Approximatively 6 out of 10 are only open to drug or alcohol addiction, single or family. The list doesn't include the ones I didn't call because the website said they only accept addicts, ex-offenders, prostitutes and or long term (mostly unchangeable) homeless.

Single women....
If you want help get an addiction. Otherwise buy yourself a vibrator and do without (abusive) men!

Los Angeles Housing Facts

Some known facts about homeless stats

This doesn't count the ones who were too afraid to be counted or the current DV Shelter residents


From Alexandria House website


There are an estimated 91,000 people homeless each night in Los Angeles County.

Renters in the City of Los Angeles must earn $26 per hour, or $54,080 to afford a market rate unit in the city.

Average rent for a 1-bedroom unit range from $793 to $1,129 and the lowest price found for a 2-bedroom unit was $975.

A minimum-wage worker ($6.75/hour) would need to work 92 hours a week to afford a 1 bedroom unit, and 116 hours a week to afford a 2 bedroom unit.

In Los Angeles, there is a need for 23,968 units of permanent supportive housing for individuals, yet only 2,402 are available.

Less than 1 in 5 households (19%) could afford an average priced home in 2004 in LA County, compared to about 1 in 4 (26%) in 2003.

One Step From Broken or Hopeless

When neither is a good choice, what to do?

When I left the abusive situation I thought I was taking the first step towards truly changing things in my life for the better. I didn’t realize that changes meant changes rather they were good or bad. 

I’m now told that I have to go wherever they (shelter) recommends me or a place I find on my own. The only place my “case manager” (who really hasn’t done anything at all) has referred to is more a homeless addict shelter then a transitional house for women. The shelter is loosely a dorm style building that houses dorm rooms next to each other with a flimsy not locking wood panel between the women’s and the men’s room.

Hell, I’m not too keen on being around men at all but know I have to be somewhat flexible. However what sense does it make to put anyone who is from a domestic violence situation and put them around people who are violent, has a history of violence or is potentially violent? If I was to continue living with even one addict I would have stayed with my ex where I lived in middle to upscale neighborhood. I didn’t leave it to live with more than one addict in a dorm room with 10 other women (also addicts) and a flimsy divider to male addicts.

If I was homeless and only homeless I would not question it. However I came from a domestic violence situation with an ex who is an alcoholic and my previous ex before him was a drug addict. The LAST thing I want to be around is current addicts, not really recovering and brand new recovering male addicts. 

In addition....

No kind of pain medication at all, ever and for any reason including OTC meds. They will not even hold them for you in case you need something - zero intake. 

No laptops

No cellphones

No electronic communication gadgets at all.

All communication must be done through the office in the supervision of the shelter staff. 

WTF!?

Fucking Bullshit

Addicts are being rewarded for being addicts! For every one women’s shelter for domestic violence there are five addict shelters. I was turned down from a woman’s DV transitional shelter because I wasn’t an addict of any kind. So those of us who made bad choices for partners but didn’t pollute our bodies are being punished while those who dived into addiction and ruined the lives of their partners, families, friends and children are being rewarded with an abundance of free services. 

I'm step away from 

• Homeless
• Living with unknown dangers of homeless addicts
• or going to CL and choosing a new but different domestic violence situation

No matter which way I currently go I'm fucked. Where can I get a bag of speed and a straw? 

To add insult to injury she said if that shelter doesn't work out "we'll have to find you a room to rent."

...and who will pay for that? I don't have a job, I don't qualify for GR or SSI, the shelter won't provide bus tokens and I've already applied to every business with 2 miles of the shelter (walking distance) and not one has called or emailed me. HOW am I to pay the rent?

The bitch actually told me to have a good night before going home to a place that she knows she will be at until SHE chooses to move. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

I should have stayed with my ex, bought him booze to drink himself into oblivion, give him sleeping pills to sleep and found reasons not to be home. When staying put with an abusive partner is better than going to a domestic violence shelter you know the world is truly fucked and Hell IS Earth.

Pan Fried Pizza

My roommate is still relatively new to the states… and American cooking or convenience cooking is still a very new concept to her. Last night I showed her how to ‘make’ instant mashed potatoes. Today she bought herself and her kids a Tony’s Pizza from the grocery store. She offered me a slice which I welcomed since pizza is normally a no no for me. After I finished I took my plate to the sink and noticed she pan friend the ‘Ready in minutes’ pizza.

Never thought to pan fry an instant pizza but it worked.

It’s the little things that we can learn from our new not originally from the US neighbors.

99ers

I was denied General Relief

Why?

Because I am not a drug addict, not on the streets literally, I don’t live with a landlord who would accept up to $300 for rent and I'm not pregnant. Because all I seek is transportation help to get to and from jobs, money to pay for my legal medication(I don’t qualify for medical) and a few dollars for life necessities, I don't qualify.

If I’m not able to get a job within walking distance soon or into transitional housing soon my only option is to fake being a drug addict so I can get into rehab. In rehab, I was told from a rehab "graduate"  I can potentially qualify for disability / SSI, re-training at numerous places including actual colleges – for FREE. A metro bus pass for up to three years, free housing and rental assistance (free rent) to move into a new apartment…I’m thinking speed.

It’s a little like Hangman…

This morning I added an arm to the body that was added when I was showing my “smartness.” I woke up early today because today is the day I potentially get to genuinely become a statistic (General Relief Qualification / Orientation if approved appt.) Do I get a Food Bank cupcake with a little plastic Welcome toothpick?


Anyway… One of the residents left yesterday because she called her husband from the house phone and told him what city she was in. The attendee heard the call from outside the open office door and immediately started the process for her to be removed. Because she was gone her chore was left undone – dishes. One would think if there is no one else to clean up after you, you would do so yourself. Hell, I’ve never expected someone else to do my dishes and I’ve been doing my own since I got here. But that is only me. My roommate and I were in the kitchen and I mentioned the dishes. We were talking about general house stuff when I said

“I’m not their mommy and I’m not the house mom so it’s not my business.”

BBF (Best Bitching Friend) walked through the kitchen right as I was saying it – opps. Not sorry though. If this is the long Hangman version I just added an arm. If it’s the express version I've got legs and arms now.

At times she (Trauma Queen) has seemed nice and sincere but the other side is manipulative and threatening....

There’s something disturbing about a size 24 woman wearing a strapless cheetah mumu with thick white bra straps, connector and sunburns showing and dancing to her headset contained music in the kitchen and living room as entertainment for herself and the kids. It’s like seeing where the writers of the Drew Carey Show got their inspiration for Mimi but made Mimi funny instead of scary.


'Unemployment report portrays stagnant job market' - LA Times

Addiction

I need a place to get it out of me. I’m not expecting help or advice as that is not why I’m blogging. I’m doing it because where I am currently at there is no support of any kind… and if I don’t find a way to at least get frustrations out and released I swear I may go crazy; literally.

I have been in and out of shelters, domestic violence situations and DV shelters since I was a teenager when my mom decided I was then a serious threat to her spotlight attention she received from my father and his locally well known clients. From there it got worse and I have been moving from one DV situation to another since then.

I do have an addiction. I’m addicted to abusive men and I want to get rid of it once and for all. I lost control so long ago (if I ever had control) and I’m tired of it. I’ve finally had enough and am completely starting over from scratch. All but a few boxes of my possessions which are in storage are gone and truthfully, I don’t care.

What hurts more is that I have lost (if I ever had one) what other people take for granted - family. My career skills are at least three years behind what they should be and I can’t get a career position any longer; I’ll be getting a job. But I’m learning to appreciate the value of starting over...it’s a new start and no one starts in the middle.

The only other woman in the shelter who is in the same situation as me is a graduated psychologist in her country…and now she’s applying for the same jobs as me. She has truly helped me see how lucky I am and how lucky Americans in general are. We Americans have so many resources available to us where as in her country there is practically none. In her country her choices in these types of situations is to ether endure the abuse or move to the streets. So while I am not receiving the assistance I was hoping for I am in a decently safe location. It’s now up to me to do the rest on my own.

It's not all sisterly love 

One woman here is the poster child for White Trash. She has been here only a little more than a week and she is already seeing some guy locally that she met at court. Real romance there, she met him while he was waiting for a probation violation. Afterward court for both of them (she was there for a name change,) he let her drive his expensive sports car.

Paraphrased from what Trauma Queen (how I am referring to her) told us of her exciting day and happy news :/

He drove her to some out of the way spot, got drunk and she had to walk back to the shelter because she didn’t trust him to drive her back to the shelter. Now she is complaining about the pain in her knees from walking up & down hills in stilettos. Later she told us about her boyfriend who is in jail but gets out on her birthday. She can’t wait to finally see him again as he is her savior for beating the crap out of her husband and went jail for it for a year for her. But that’s ok because she says that domestic violence shelters provide the best food she ever really eats.

Though I do see the negative influence the mother has on her son, he is actually very smart, sweet and has community togetherness that surprises me. I hope when he grows up he grows better for the experiences he's been through and will continue to go through. There are other stories here in this shelter that I've experienced in under one week, but not nearly as “entertaining” as that woman.

I can’t help but wonder… do some (not all) of us who have ended up in domestic violence shelters deserve what happened to us?