and the racism escalates

I woke up Tuesday morning to be told that we (the white residents) have to bag up all of our items including bedding and wash every single clothing item. We were told that we have bed bugs - a lie. I had a doctor's appt and work so I had to stay awake until 2:30 in the morning and wash my bedding. Then woke up at 8:00 am to start washing more clothing.

Today (so far) I was told the one Hispanic woman who started all of this vindictive has now accused my roommate of threatening her and the children - a lie. And I found out my transitional housing was not faxed in as I was told it was.

I am probably going to have to quite my job and go to anther state... no place to go here and I suspect the racist staff member is blackballing me from getting into a transitional housing program.

Fake excuses

As I predicted they made up a reason to get me out... I'm not allowed to work more than a couple of hours a day. Since I work 10 - 14 I'm violating the rules.

Doesn't say that anywheres in the rules they gave me when I first came. That was never told to me. It was not brought up when I told them I had the jobs...only after I called them out on the BS. Hmmmm The Dirty Secrets of Domestic Violence Shelters I wonder how many people I could get to anonymously contribute stories. Staff and residents alike.

No matter, that is a thought for anther day. Right now I'm freezing my ass off in the cold working virtually.

It’s War

I just started a war.

Tonight I was pushed too far. After all of the non Hispanic woman complained and those complaints have continually been ignored it got worse. We were told that we are the residents it’s our job to figure it ourselves. However we have tried that and even though the problems have escalated the staff will not step in. I am now forced to go to a public café, spend money I shouldn’t just so I can earn a little extra money online (now only $2 at most after buying a coffee and website service fees for the contract work I do.) So a $4 job which is a lot less than half the normal rate for what I do for an hour (not cyber sex) is now only $1 or $2 depending if I have to take a bus there and how much a coffee or soda costs. In addition it’s now freezing. I have no money for a winter jacket but oh well. If I want to make that $1 or $2 an hour as well as continue to push my career further that is what I have to do.

The Hispanic women are hording food in their rooms and so today I made myself five sandwiches so that I could at least have one sandwich a day for lunch…but I’m lectured about it even though all of the non-Hispanic women have complained about the food hording and food wasted by them and their children for at least a week.

I’m forced out of the house and into the cold and I’m expected to do an equal share and more so of the chores. I told her no. I said I would clean up after myself but that’s it. I said it is not fair that I’m being told to deal with it and that’s that. "It's a shelter and you have to make sacrifices." But the Hispanic women don't? So it's ok that they are screaming, kicking, throwing, punching, defacing the property, refusing to allow the other residents to watch tv, waste food and horde food and making it impossible for all the other residents to be in the same room with them...what sacrifices are they making?

If I don’t have an equal share of the house common areas, or the food and if my comfort level does not matter and if I have to spend extra money just to work and suffer the cold because of it than I will not share equal duty in caring for it. Especially when in the past I have gone above and beyond in volunteering to help out with computer issues, extra chores and have even bought and donated items to the house because it was needed.

Angry? You betcha.

Tonight I looked up the program director and emailed her. There was a limit of characters and so I wrote that there were serious issues being ignored and in my opinion there was racial favoritisms happening – with my phone number. Will I get kicked out? Yea, probably. I can’t possibly imagine not being kicked out after that email. But enough is enough and someone has to say something…why me? Because I’m a fucking martyr. I may come out of the internet closet after all… I’ll contact some newspaper journalists if I’m kicked out.

Selfish

Huge amounts of food has been going missing and residents such as myself are getting less and less. 3 huge packs of sandwich lunch meat and a 40 hot dog pack went missing only 4 days have it was purchased.

Yesterday the DV Shelter bought a big box of fresh vegables and fruit.
Today all but a small container of grapes is left.

The selfish soon to be ex denit's wife has been taking the food and storing it in her room and probably her car. We told one of the staff members but I won't be surprised if yet again, nothing is done about it. All two other residents and I are left with to eat is canned food, condiments, a couple heads of lettuce and macaroni cheese...which I can't eat. Tomorrow is grocery day again and I have no doubt that will change.

...and as I type this the little girl is "playing" rough. Full out punching the older boy with all the strength she has... But it's only playing and mom is ok with this. Anyone wondering why we live in such a violent world?

Smart People NOT Welcomed

I am really sick of the prejudice that exist in domestic violence shelters. If you (a DV Victim) are not Hispanic or under educated you are not expected to be a domestic violence victim. I have seen repeatedly how Hispanics are being given extra services or told about services that non-Hispanics are not told about. Examples

There is a mailing service in California where you can set up an account with so that all of your mail is routed through their office and forwarded to you. I only learned of this service through the program counselor (not Hispanic.)

Three of the Hispanic women 2 without kids and 1 with kids were all transferred to a very nice, brand new transitional housing where each resident gets their own room. I’m told it’s not available.

The snobbish Hispanic woman here can easily afford to buy her own groceries. She requests food items from the weekly grocery request list for her singular use and receives them. One resident asked for brown sugar so she could make coffee cake for the house and I have asked for Rice Milk so I can eat cereal and have neither requests were granted.

The other residents and I (non Hispanics) complained about the rapidly increasing rudeness of this woman and what she is allowing her daughter to do…nothing. They only told her we complained and we now have dirty dishes in the sink from her, flies around the kitchen because she now won’t empty the trash or get rid of cooked grease or half eaten food. Now it’s worse.

And now I’m told that I have to cancel a day of (brand new) work because the transitional housing doesn’t want to provide m e a morning time appointment to do an intake interview. It’s not like I have a one day opening only. I’m available any day in the morning and any time on the weekend but I’m told that if I’m serious about getting into a transitional housing program I’ll take whatever appointment they give to me.

In addition, there is a questionable atmosphere rereading my employment and new virtual internship – they don’t like that I’m working after their curfew time even before I enter their program. Apparently they prefer non working under educated people to go through their “work training” program. I’ve glimpsed their “work training” program. For people who have never worked before or are newly recovering addicts it’s a great program. But if you have any higher educational at all, even a certificate program it is like returning to grade school from college.

Their curfew is 6pm and apparently the night is filled with so many bad elements that even breathing them in to and from work is not allowed. Internet at the housing other than in their ‘computer lab’ and under their watchful eye is deemed inappropriate. God forbid I look at some website other than EDD or Craig’s List for fabulous (below entry level) jobs and great religious (im)moral roommates.

This is so wrong.

I wish I could outs myself here. I am in no way saying I’m perfect or even near it and I'm not saying I'm better. However I do a lot of good work , work related projects and self awareness things that honestly works towards a better world for kids and adults. However all that is viewed of me (how I feel) is that I’m white, I’m educated and I’m a bothersome women that they have to deal with and put somewhere but will do so with as little resources or assistance as possible.

It’s wrong.

Fucking Rude

The staff brought us a whole chicken that is way too much for one person, so one of the residents and I asked everyone if they wanted to do a potluck dinner (DINNER.)


The former doctor's wife said she would join in and we were all delighted because she has been snobbish and rude towards the rest of us. However come Saturday and she is just being nothing but rude and inconsiderate.

Everyone knows I wake up and go into the common areas every morning at the same time. Today I woke up late at 9 am (much later then I normally wake up) and she tells me I can't go into the common area because she is cleaning. I tell her I have work to do and I can't put it off. She says five minutes then. Ok, fine. I give her ten and go get my medicine.


I set up my computer and go to the kitchen to take my pill and she says again I can't go in there. I show her medicine and tell her I need to take my meds. She sighs heavily and says again, five minutes. OK than... She is really bossy.... She than tells the new resident to go wash off the entire backyard and proceeds to tell her how to do it and what to do. The problem is that she tells her to do it by turning on the hose right as one of the residents is outside with no shoes on. Rude things like this have been happening all week long.


She starts making her potluck dinner stuff and we're like um ok. It’s early but sure. She dones around 1pm and we than start our cooking (a resident and I) We spend the entire afternoon cutting, mixing, stuffing and cooking and as soon as it's almost done she announces that it's too late. Lunch is from 12 to 2 and it’s too late now. I tell her it was a potluck dinner, not lunch but whatever. She says she's going to the park and will be back later.


I really don't care anymore. We (other residents) have tried to be nice and she has done nothing but rude and inconsiderate to us. We have spoken to staff about it and all along I have said I don't want to get involved because of what happened before with the previous resident (Special K). But now if the other resident tells staff I will back her up. I really feel like she has metaphorically spit on me and I'm done. I'm going to avoid her as much as possible but I know me and confrontation is something I very much need to work on. I don't handle it without having an attitude.


We're pretty sure she is not even from an abusive partner as she is going to a university (education), divorcing her husband (no police report,) doesn't attend any of the support groups and her daughter is in private school...she is just here for free rent.

On The Upswing

The needle looks like it’s moving towards the drama red section again. Two residents moved out but the very young woman with three kids won’t be leaving until tomorrow. Generally she’s pretty nice as a person but on average way too laissez-faire about parenting / watching her two youngest “rambunctious” kids. I’m honestly surprised one or both hasn't been rushed to the ER yet for a head injury or even a broken bone. They genuinely run amok and literally all over the house. They are kids and they will do what they do until they truly understand it’s not ok…and if they’re not told it’s not ok they’ll keep doing it until they’re rushed to the ER and figure out that what they did was painful.

On a only slightly different note…

I understand I'm sharing the same space with the kids but I feel that does not grant me or place on me some minimal amount of child responsibility simple because my physical preference is there. Yes I will and do say something when I see them just about to do something that can and probably will lead to an ER visit; such as trying to skateboard down the metal slide. Or climbing up the side of the house while his brother tries to add and remove rocks from his pockets… yea… that's when I will say something. But if your child is rocking back on forth on a chair the end result can only have two outcomes. Eventual boredom or falling back and knocking his head on the wall behind him. Guess which one happened?

I was distracted on my computer in my continued pursue of never being in this situation again. If he was my child, yes of course I would have paid better attention to him, but he’s not.

“Please don’t expect me to watch him simply because I’m at the same table as him. Also, if he’s up and around and climbing the counter for some fruit and you’re still sleeping, please don’t get mad at me for getting it for him. If he’s hungry in the morning and you’re not around I will provide him something healthy to eat until you wake up and fix him breakfast.”

She leaves tomorrow for a transitional housing. One I would really like to have. I cannot help but be jealous and mildly annoyed. She has no intention of getting a job and can’t get a job because she is here illegally and so far has shown no intention to become legal but is receiving CalWorks. I spend almost every single day self-studying and looking for a job. She’s a very nice person but I cannot help but think it’s unfair that she is receiving resources that she may never pay back or contribute to the system that supplies her food and money. Yet I’m selling the last of my valuable possessions simply so I can buy a bus pass to continue to go to job interviews.

General Relief – You don’t get your actual appointment with a Grow Worker for a minimum of 3 weeks which means you can’t get bus transportation assistance until week 3 and that is only AFTER you attend Orientation which can take up to 2 weeks to schedule…OH and your worker can decide not to give you bus tokens until you start attending the Grow Job Club which on average takes up to two months to get into. SO 13 weeks just to receive assistance to get a job while you the recipient receive a whole whopping $160 to $220 a month. Ok… feeling jaded, must stop that.

To end this on a happier note…

I have two major job interviews next week. Both of which are not just bring your resume and look and sound professional. I have to print an application for one, my resume, references ect… on nice paper and place inside a nice professional folder and get to the interview and back = $$

Oh wait where’s the happy? I have two interviews with two very good companies. One is only seasonal but there is always a chance of permanent position being offered. For the other one I hard core professionally sold myself and have a pretty good chance at. I'm meeting with the partners some time this week. So the happy is that I’m employable with good skills.

Aftermath of Domestic Violence

From domestic violence to District Attorney abuse

This is just one of the reasons why some women (and men) don't report domestic violence. After going through the trauma with the partner/spouse, they / we have to face a whole new trauma of going through court. Unfortunately, I know this one from personal experience.

• Third Woman Accuses Wisconsin DA of 'Sexting' Harassment -ABC NewS
• Ken Kratz, Sexting DA, Says He Won't Resign, Commits to Therapy  - CBS News
• Ken Kratz takes medical leave after sexting suspect's girlfriend - City Pages Blog
• Ken Kratz resigns as Calumet County District Attorney - FOX 11

Calumet County's district attorney tried to start a relationship with a domestic violence victim by sending her 30 text messages over three days while he was prosecuting her ex-boyfriend.

A third woman has come forward to claim she was harassed via text message by a Wisconsin prosecutor who has already come under fire for allegedly sending sexually charged messages to two other women on separate occasions.


In one text, Kratz asked, "Are u the kind of girl that likes secret contact with an older married elected DA ... the riskier the better?"


In another, he said "I have the $350,000 house. I have the 6-figure career. You may be the tall, young, hot nymph, but I am the prize!"


Several other women came forward with reports of inappropriate sexual advances from Kratz in the days to follow.


"The reason why I'm coming forward is he abuses his power, not only with women, but with women in certain situations who are extremely vulnerable to his authority," Ruskiewicz, 31, an Appleton, Wis

Read more: HERE

Vampiric 4 Square

I never was good at 4 Square.

Subject D was forced to leave by police escort. Subject (Special) K freaked out at 3 am and said that Subject D was about to burn the house down if we all didn’t die of gas poisoning first. I was asleep so I don't know what happened. But since there had been previous complaints she was escorted to a facility more equipment to manage her needs.

That same day Special K threw away ALL of the leftover food (only a day or two old at most) in both the refrigerator and freezer as well a huge basket of vegetables. Her undeniable explanation was that the refrigerator was filthy therefore everything that wasn't sealed in a commercially purchased container and date with a well defining 'Still Good' date was disgusting and no good. Almost half the food supply is now gone.

I think this chick is bi-polar. I’ve known a couple of bipolar and high anxiety types and she exhibits similar traits.

I had to go through items I purchased and circle the words “Refrigerate After Opening,” because she has placed perishable items in cabinets instead of leaving them in the refrigerator. She is very much like me ex. Finds something to complain about every single day and there is always more then one thing that isn’t done or isn’t done the “right” (her) way.

She watches daytime talk shows all day, her opinion is the only one that makes sense and she dates only cholos…am I spelling that right? A Cholo?

Urban Dictionary:

1) cholo
...typically dresses in chinos (khahki pants), a wifebeater ...


2. cholo
buy cholo mugs, tshirts and magnets
1) Mexican Gangster 


2) Mexican Gangster Style
1) "My homeboy got shot up but some cholos from Norte...


3) ...This look is subject to change as gang-culture evolves. 


buy cholo mugs, tshirts and magnets


And I thought I dated fucked up men / rejects.


 But I’ve figured out a secret about her. If no one is in the room with her… if you don’t pay attention to her she turns off her vampireic energy feeding.


But all of that doesn’t matter. I’m back to square one. Transitional housing programs are full and in two to three weeks I will yet again be at the “you're not an (addict, single mom, XXX), you don’t qualify” stage. Because this is my second cycle there are even less choices. In addition, they do know about the last shelter and yet I’m still here. They could have rightfully asked me to leave at any time. But regardless, there is no place to go. If I don’t find a job soon I’ll be right back to Skid Row, homeless shelters or asking my ex if I can return. He would love to gloat over me and tell me how much of a failure my “little independence stunt” really was. In other words, I have no place to go, again.

Skid Row VS Real Life

Don't Feed the Homeless

The day after the memorial for Sept 11th and a day of tolerance Los Angeles Officals say Don't Feed the Homeless. WOW.....

I only spent two days and three nights on Skid Row but it was enough to scare me straight...i.e. realize that was my destination if I didn't make some huge changes in my life. I realize now that those on Skid Row is made up of some very destintive types.

• Those who have spiraled to the depths of lost and will never recover.
• Those who were born, grew up and still live in Skid Row and will create the next generation of Skid Row
• Those who co-exist with Skid Row, work normal lives and are content with the co-exsistence
• Those who were like me. First time on Skid Row due to economy, bad choices or similiar reason.

Dozens of groups from across the Southland converge on downtown Los Angeles every week to hand out food and clothing in skid row.


Residents and business owners complain about the trash they leave behind. City officials question the wisdom and safety of street distributions in an area with numerous organizations that help the homeless.

Union Mission - the facilities are needed but they offer only bed and meals and neither isn't much to brag about.

Weingart - Don't even get me started about their Transitional program. The Program Manager (Merna) is a snobbish bully who thinks too little of the people she is suppose to be helping.


"These folks don't know what happens when they leave," said Los Angeles police Officer Deon Joseph, who as senior lead officer is a liaison to the community. "We've had people get stabbed after fighting over clothes. We've had people get sick after eating their food. It's just dangerous and irresponsible."

If this is the case... why doesn't these organizations work with the existing agencies and or why doesn't the existing agencies work with the outsiders to do the most good for the people who most want and need it?

Some community activists allege that the opposition to street distributions has more to do with gentrification than with protecting homeless people. The city's vision for a revitalized downtown, they suggest, does not include soup lines.

This makes sense and Skid Row needs a major revitalization. It needs to discontinue being a Homeless Asylum and needs to work with the people who truly want help to better their lives. This means free school / education for jobs that will help them leave Skid Row. Free housing while in school, free daycare, medical assistance and transportation while in school and or looking for a job.

On the side of police, residents and businesses - they have a right to complain and demand that if an organization offers meals it is the organization's responsibility to clean up what they brought. That should mean bringing garbage cans and food that doesn't require utensils.

In my opinion though the most important thing needed is for everyone involved to work together, forget the politic and remember that not everyone on Skid Row is a bum.

A case of Cybil or just avoiding police/ ICE?

Relatives identify the Guatemalan day laborer as Manuel Jamines. But coroner's officials find a fingerprint match with the name Manuel Ramirez and immigration papers calling him Gregorio Luis Perez. - LA Times

I am not anti immigrants, I’m anti illegal immigrants (from any country) and this is only one example of why.

Manuel Jaminez, a name they obtained from a cousin at the scene.

Why would you let your cousin or any member of your family sleep outside (near where you live) and not get him into professional medical help? Even if he refused you can legally say he was (and he was in fact) a threat to himself and potentially others.

Protests, memorials and sporadic bouts of violence have occurred in the neighborhood almost daily since an LAPD bicycle officer shot and killed the laborer near 6th Street and Union Avenue. It was around 1 p.m. when a pedestrian flagged down a group of three bicycle officers. They were told that a man with a knife was threatening people, according to a police statement.

Officers approached the man, ordered him to drop the knife several times in both English and Spanish, and opened fire when he allegedly lunged at one of the officers, authorities said.

Police said that they recovered a knife from the scene and that detectives are investigating the killing.

...and if the police left your neighborhood you would all scream discrimination for not receiving the same police assistance that other rich white neighborhood receive :/

The officer that shot him has been brought up on previous charges for excessive force. So this does bring up some questions on could he have injured the man to disable him from an attack? Was his shot the only choice he had in protecting himself, his fellow offers and the public?

The man was wielding a knife and making threats to both pedestrians and police officers. That alone says he is a dangerous threat if only at that moment. 

Saturday, August 28th 2010 5 pm (ish)

I forgot my state picture id so I couldn’t check out any library books. 2 nights &, 1 day perfect my stare into nothingness. The thought of returning to the gloom is enough to send me bridge hunting. I don’t think I can do it.

I’m sitting in the warm sun where half the people are those who left the gloom and the other half are people enjoying the park itself. It’s actually not a bad park for a downtown such as Los Angeles. I just wish the city would provide electrical outlets in the park. Not all laptops have great long lasting batteries.

I know I said I would just leave the gloom each and every day. But it’s a lot different being in the gloom then just walking through it. Maybe I am tough but do I want to test theory? How long can I really keep my ‘game face’ on? It was only a moment but last night I broke and silently cried. I quickly wipe away the tears and steadied my breathing but it was a broken game face moment. If I stay I worry that I will harden to a point where all that is me will dissolve away. That or I will become a Skid Row statistic.

I applied to some jobs while at the library but most were not terribly attractive – my skills and the requirements were not well match.

No accounting skills
No web design or maintenance skills
No graphic design skills
I’m not strong in Power Point or QuickBooks
…and I no longer have entry level tech support skills. My belief in my employment value is quickly evaporating.

Almost time to return to the gloom. The Devil’s Happy Hour where the real vampires come out to play.


Is there a bathroom here? Of course not. Gawd forbid they be used by the horrible homeless who may spread they’re disease of homelessness.

Theres a man in the park worshiping the sun, I think he may be a bit ‘off’. As the sun continues to descend behind the buildings he moves to the next available sunny spot. Doesn’t he know he can’t hold back the night? Does he forget this each dawn?

I now know for a fact that some people are perfectly content being homeless. They have no problem taking advantage of the free shelter and food. In fact the bits of conversations that have drifted past me have educated me that not only are they content with Skid Row life but they know no other life. A woman near me this morning said she going to visit her daughter and granddaughter in line up ahead. Skid Row is not just a place you end up in. It’s a cycle that breeds generations. However with the pressing needs of so many new homeless changes should be a top priority. Ask yourself…

If you wouldn’t want you daughter, mother, sister or wife to live in a place like this why is it ok for anyone to live like this?

There should be police on the streets 24/7. Not just in patrol cars but on foot and in groups of three. Parolees and work release prisoners should be cleaning up the streets literally. There should be garbage cans on every corner. Recycling cans for homeless people to pull cans and bottles from. Every street in Skid Row should be lit up as if the night never touches the circle of gloom. Those kinds of changes would make a big difference and reduce the crime by even a minimal percentage.

Time to return to the gloom.

Sunglasses on
Head up
Back straight
Look ahead
Don’t look to the sides or at anyone.
Back in the gloom



Dinner

I really wish I could have taken a picture of dinner tonight. The scoop of macaroni and cheese would have been a great inspiration for a kid’s jungle gym.

After dinner.

I checked the transitional housing program place to see if the case worker checked her messages – no. The same man from Friday was there and I do believe he genuinely cares. He told me that come Monday all would be ok. Yes, I’ll be in a better cage but a cage all the same. At least that one will keep out most of the animals. As I write this one of the animals is pacing and pawing the ground. Growling and sneering about her stolen cell phone charger. I have to admit that the ER Shelter attendee is tougher than I first perceived. She had no worry as she stepped in front of the sneering animal and laid down the ER Shelter rules.

Head down and look at no one. We are all animals here. Her pawing came too close to me...at least too close to my comfort. Pacing back and forth in front of me as if challenging me to look up from writing and dare her to question me regarding her cell phone charger – I don’t look up.


The hyenas have arrived. Too late for dinner and hoping someone will give them a bite to eat.
The sun continues to descend and the chill is settling in. Not too long now.

In the bedding area it’s the same fast paced routine. Wait for the storage room to open. Get your gear, take out sleep clothes, figure out what you will wear tomorrow, get night needed things, and pack it back in and get ready for bed. Once you’re ready put any items you don’t want to sleep in or with in storage and hope you are exhausted enough to fall asleep the moment you lay down.

Uggs – I’ve been scared thin…and into laser hair removal. A big belly full of hair in the women’s bathroom. Enough said – a scar for life.

Good night

Just like prison

But you don’t have to break the law.

NOTE: Because I couldn't get online last night I'm posting this in two different blog postings to break up the length. 

My exit took longer than it was suppose to and longer than it should have. The train was also half an hour late. Because of this I missed the unknown to me closing time which I wasn’t told about. So until Monday I am at the worst of the worst emergency shelters. The place is miserable and scary and depressing and I don’t think even Hollywood could make it look as bleak as it really is. I have never been to prison but I imagine this is a nicer version of it and I don't know if I really can live in Skid Row... I don't know if I can really do have what it takes.

I don’t know if I am THIS strong.

The front door is staffed by an armed security guard who has to buzz you into the complex. Once you’re in you precede to the office…a hole in the wall on the other side of a “Day Lounge.” The day lounge is filled to the brim with female entities that probably haven’t seen better days since they were children. Some watch whatever drool is playing on the TV, others are chatting with others while some are threatening whoever walks by or looks at them. But most are staring into the nothingness.

Securing a bed is much like checking into the ER but with different questions.
Name
Age
Children
Diseases
Mental illness
Medication
Can you sleep on a top bunk without falling off?

How many have fallen off?

After being issued a bed number and told to wait until 8pm to be called to bed women already start to line up for the 6:30pm dinner call. Women line up as early as an hour prior to the feeding. As you enter the cafeteria a larger banner greets you and says
“Jesus loves you.”

Really? I don’t want his love. Personally I’m trying to quite abusive “loving” partners that neglect those they say they love and then serves them misery. So if this is his way of showing me some love, he should just back the $#@! Off.

The line continues past Jesus’ declaration of love where you accept your medical lime green tray of edible substance. The potatoes like substance were pale tan and tastes between squash and what I imagine prison food to taste like. There was something fried that I later overheard was supposed to be egg rolls. They did have shredded edible stuff so I guess thats what they were. The only thing that looked and tasted like it was suppose to was the small pile of salad with hidden salad dressing. At least I hope it was salad dressing. The rice, well, rice isn’t too difficult to 'make' so it looked right… like a mountain from Whoville. Except the mountain was white & the snow was black… and I was grateful for the free food.

Bathrooms in the “Day Lounge” – If walls could talk these would be scared silent, I was. But at least I know where to go for an easy drug purchase.

Soon after dinner and precisely as your ready to return to staring into the nothingness the one man religious concert starts up = Fire & Brimstone – Rock on!

…and there I sat. Wondering when my next shower would be. Whether or not I’ll be able to change my clothes tonight for bed or even the next day. Wondering what the Hell had I done to deserve this fate? Is this my punishment for settling with men I knew deep down were damaged and would do me harm? Settling with less because I didn’t think I deserved more? Never again. If I survive this, no one will ever be able to offer me anything that I can’t provide myself.

I contacted Beyond Lazy and was told they're not a shelter. He didn't say what he was so I thought I had the wrong number and hung up. I contacted and made sure I had the right contact..yep.

"We're not a shelter."

"Maybe I misunderstood. I visited your website and assumed you help with transitional housing programs?"

"I am sorry, but we are not a shelter program."

If your not a shelter...what are you and why does your website say Beyond Shelter and use the words help and homeless if you don't HELP the HOMELESS? 

Determination is EVERYTHING

It may be hard, but obstacles can be shoved out of the way.

I have been asking repeatedly for my "Case Manager" to call transitional housing programs in Los Angeles. Each time I'm told its not available for one reason or anther. I don't think the shelter I'm at wants to refer me to Los Angeles shelters. I've asked and asked and then I'm pressured to the X shelters where I haven't even be sniffed at by employers locally. Well I have a job interview tomorrow in Los Angeles. I told my "Case Manager" and was given a slightly dirty look when I made it subtly clear that if I was hired I would not give it up...that any transnational housing program I go to will have to be willing to help me with transportation to the job. Even if it is only until my first check.


Yes, I am being stubborn and selfish. Locally, I have filled out much more then a dozen paper and electronic job applications for jobs that no one over 25 should be applying for. I have sent more then 40 resumes this month alone for jobs. Not a single local employer has emailed or called me. I've placed resume website ads, I scan all the major job websites, use business network websites and I've applied to the county government job program. Yes, I would / will probably be approved. But even that program would not supply a potential job or job leads for at least three weeks. Even then there is no guarantee I would make more then minimum wage in a job that would actually help me advance back into a career and not just a means of existing. I've sent resumes throughout the Los Angeles area and have received a couple of emails, a couple of calls and now an interview. What would you do?


I even let my roommate convince me that the transitional housing program she will probably go to should be considered by me... the transitional housing program that I said is too close to my ex. I said I would consider it as long as I was not required to apply to jobs within five miles of his work. After pressuring me to go there, they now seem unwilling to refer me - WTF?! Because my roommate is going there? Are they now trying to pressure Trauma Queen out of the shelter and onto them to deal with? The transitional housing program is very work mandatory based. She doesn't want a job - I DO!


I understand that it is not the shelter's job to supply me with anything more then a route away from my abusive ex. I understand that they're only requirement is to help me locate the next step - a transitional housing program...and that is all. I get it.  It is my job and only my responsibility to provide anything and everything else beyond that. But why would I step out of the gutter just to step into a path that won't help me nearly as much as another that is only slightly harder to reach?


They are now back to pressuring me again to go to a shelter further away from where the jobs are and are very strict due to drug addicts they give shelter to. I'M NOT A ADDICT ...and I should not be treated like one because they give shelter to drug addicts. That is why I didn't want to go to that shelter. I want a job that can help me secure a future. Is that too much to ask for? Do these agencies get bonus points for keeping shelter residents local? I don't care! I want what is best for me and if that means I cannot be tracked as a statistic that is just too damn bad.


My roommate is loaning me the money for the Metrolink fare so I can go to my interview. AND I finally secured an appt with the transnational housing program that has (I believe) great transitional housing programs and resources. I had to leave several messages and my last one practicably begging for an appointment because I have an interview nearby...but I got it. 

HA!


... and one of the LA transnational housing program shelters (which I won't name publicly) is a $*@!ing joke! Before they allow you into their shelter you have to have 90 days of employment.  Emergency shelters are only 30 days maximum length...If your homeless, chances are you don't have a $*@!ing job!

Balls To The Wall

That’s the saying

...that is what my social worker friend tells me I must do and I did. My “Case Manager” started pushing me to yet again consider and go to the transitional housing program that is five miles from where my abusive ex boyfriend occasionally works. I was shocked and even angry as was evident as my voice speed increased. But I kept my balls to the wall and insisted that if he saw me on the street in the area he was not going to be safe and happy to see me. I saw and heard that I got my point across as she sighed heavily and then proceeded to give me a live in housing exchange. I thought wow… maybe she was really going to give me something of value – no. The live in exchange is in the rural redwood forests.

How the bloody &*$! am I to get a job in a rural area when I cannot even get one in an area with more than five hundred thousand people? I said I would think about it and I did; angrily. Then I calmed down and went back to her, stood my ground and said (paraphrasing)

The reason I want to go to X is because it has a wonderful program that truly helps everyone in the program. It has employment assistance, new training skills, medical, housing assistance and support, support groups and counseling. I don’t just need someone to help me get a job and a new apartment or even a shared apartment. I need someone to help me help myself. I keep making the same abusive choices again and again and I need to stop it. I need support and a mentor type person to help me stay on the right path and stay away from negative people and abusive men. I can’t get that at a homeless shelter or a rural location. X or even X offers everything I need to help me help myself…otherwise I’m just going to end up back at another domestic violence shelter again in a couple of years.

I think this time she heard me… I think this time she listened.

She may be trying to push me out for Trauma Queen's sake but I don't care. Trauma Queen is not my concern and I will not allow her to get in my way. After I finished, she said the program sounded like a good program and she picked up the phone to call the transitional housing program.

Push the limit, go all out, full speed ahead - "Balls to the wall"

I think that my roommate wishes I would go to the same transitional housing program as her... I actually wish I could. But it's the one that is way too close to my ex. We get along well and her kids listen to me. They're not use to listening to mom as a diplinary figure as dad made them afraid to do any wrong and mom was a protector not a defender. 

I do wish I could.... but as much as I care about her and wish her well I have to be selfish in this. 

Five Miles Too Close

The only transitional housing program my "Case Manager" wants me to go to is 5 miles (9 minutes) from where my ex has weekly business (goes to) and she has been told this.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

I looked up the the office compared to the housing location and it is nine minutes away and in an area where I would be looking for jobs. There is no way I am going to allow this lazy worker to 'place' me in a situation where there is even a slight chance I may run into him.

THAT is ridiculous.

I'm now seriously questioning my Case Manager’s qualifications in being a Case Manager. The rest of the staff is pretty friendly though. The case Manager I mentioned previously  is a gem. She goes out of her way to help anyone who needs help. However, I have to wonder why did my 'Case Manager' take this job?

Did she think it would be easy?

Was it luck?

Did she lose interest and burn out on what she thought it would be?

Did she have no other job options?

I'm seriously questioning my own ideas of following through with being a Social Worker after the Trauma Queen experience. I simply do not have the patients to deal with people who constantly cause themselves trauma, drama or stress - i.e. they do nothing to help themselves and only instead incite more problems into they're lives.

I've been told I would be a wonderful Social Worker - would I really?

What Would You Do?

Would you say something?

When my boyfriend attacked me, I screamed as loudly as humanly possible knowing all of the windows were wide open. No one knocked on our door or even called the police. When I went outside and was talking to the police on the phone, my neighbors came out to do 'stuff.  They fiddled around with 'stuff' (gawking at the car accident syndrome,) but not a single one would look at me let alone ask me if I was ok.

For better or for worse

Some of the old sayings are true.

You know the old saying 'will only get worse before it gets better.' That one is true.
How about 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'
Maybe that one was born from the first one.



Maybe I attract it. Maybe I am simply a doormat with pop up steel teeth. Maybe it’s just the people themselves that I put myself around and find myself socializing with. Either way I’m tired of it and I’m tired of being the ‘better person.’


After nine pm at night all chores are expected to be done and the house clean and tidy as if the house was available for an Open House. More than three hours prior to this Trauma Queen had left her half eaten grilled cheese sandwich on the table along with a empty bowl of soup and a finished cup of coffee. All this I threw away. If she left it on the table prior to leaving she did not want it. Trauma Queen – a very much well earned title by now, was looking for someone to shoot her anger at after being at the hospital, again. I as I almost always am was at the kitchen table on my laptop. I should have heard the spooky monster hunting theme music the moment she stepped through the front door.


To make a long tirade short she went on and on about her thrown away grilled cheese sandwich and how violated she was - I admitted I threw away her stupid sandwich. When I ignored her hissy fit she stirred in a bit of drama to the trauma by saying that I told her a staff member told me to do it and lying her – why? Why in the world would anyone lie about something so trivial and why in the world would anyone make such a big deal over a grilled cheese sandwich?


One thing led to another and into the 15 minute loud rant I had enough and went to the attendee present. I honestly told her that after the day I had and a week of having to listen to her rant on and on I was not capable of putting up with any more of her drama. The attendee really should have listened to me.


The “House Meeting” was nothing more than the next episode of The Trauma Queen Bitching Hour.” Guest Staring ME – resident quite girl, closet bitch. Ten minutes into her rant and raving about me, calling me a liar, how she wouldn’t stand for it and how despicable I was I spoke up and verbally defended myself. I called her on each of her own lies about each and every resident, her drama and did so with everyone present. Then I let her verbally hang herself with her own words as she continued for more than twenty minutes to contradict herself.


No one but me went to bed immediately following the disastrous “House Meeting.” I don’t care what was said about me or even for me. I gave Trauma Queen a road to someone she could tell her two-faced lying secrets to and then deny she said any of them by accusing me as a liar. I let these people get too close to me. I am on my own and it is up to me to secure my own future. For the potential exception of my roommate I have no intension whatsoever to keep in contact with any of them.



Maybe a bit of fire is what I needed. Even though I still feel sick and a bit weak from an infection that I’m told could have easily turned into bronchitis, I went to the Job Center to apply for a government sponsored paid internship program… also sent some more resumes.

What is next? Will one of us be told to leave? I don't know. Due to Trauma Queen’s rash of injuries I find it very unlikely that they would send her somewhere else. This means me being the most easily place able, workable and self-sufficient would be the one to leave. For better or for worse - I’m outta here; it’s only a matter of when.


***************************

A favorite group of musicians I listen to when I'm in one of those moods.

Apocalyptica - Path





Apocalyptica - Hope

Honoring the victims?

How best can we / should we honor the victims of 9/11?

Ground Zero Mosque Opponents Have a Lot of Work to Do - Bob Cesca


"Let's begin with the actual ground. The Ground Zero. Literally, the ground. The One World Trade Center (aka. Freedom Tower) website notes the following feature:


The below-grade concourses will include approximately 55,000 square feet of retail space and connect to an extensive transportation and retail network..."



In my opinion I find that using the very space where people died for retail shopping to be offensive. Yes, the towers will need and want retail outlets. Must it be in the ground known as Ground Zero? Why not a library, a cafeteria, a museum...Hell, I would even be ok with a 24 Hour Fitness gym. But shopping for personal luxury seems so damn wrong.

I read the article at The Huffington Post and couldn't help myself from posting a sarcastic comment that some will probably and maybe even should find offensive. Here is the comment I wrote for the article. After posting it and then reading it, I really do wish I could go back to college.


Honor the heroes and victims of 9/11 by bringing in the shoppers! It can be an annual Ground Zero honoring tradition that all shoppers shop (with 50% discounts) until they drop from exhaustion every Sept. 11th. Shopping in ground zero, where so many people died... shoppers will be walking on the dead quiet literally. THAT is much more offensive then a Mosque that has nothing to do with terrorists.




You want to do the victims some justice? How about a homeless shelter for those hit by the economy? The homeless who have not been homeless before. The ones who do not have drug addictions. The ones with some skills that can be taught and are willing to learn new ones…then they can be hired for the thousands of jobs the towers will create. That is honoring the victims.