Visualization

This is what I’ve been working on for the last two weeks. Not the gaudy book The Secret or “do you want to attract money with your mind?!” scam. But being positive, visualizing and building a new foundation for myself and forming a new life for myself through visualization. Words are the sharpest weapon and the easiest to use. So trying to prevent and stop myself from negative thoughts and trying only to think of the positive is harder to do than say you’re going to do.

The new things I have started
The first was writing down in general terms what I deserved to have and what I wanted and what I will have regardless of the ‘how’.

The nest step (for me) has been discontinuing day dreaming about physical attacks that could (not really) happen to me. When these thoughts start I almost physically push them away from me and remind myself that they / it will not happen.

Another Step - Writing down how I want to feel

• In a job
• In a transitional housing
• In everyday life itself

Realizing that a foundation needs solid quality materials. For me that mean no more junk food (I have health problems.) If I do have the occasional junk food, then do something to counter react it or add something better (healthier) afterwards.

I feel better about life in general and I do see more opportunities. But after a life time of living within poisonous trenches and feeding off mostly poison…it’s a lot harder to stay on this path then people realize. It’s not just hard, it’s fricken ridiculously hard.

This is one of the reasons that each morning I’m meeting a small group of people to discuss more spiritual positive living. I’m finding that waking up early (Monday through Friday at least) is helping me to start my day off right and helping me to stay positive.

Visualizing It

Things have been steadily non-chaotic; which is great but doesn’t leave a lot of room to write about and make it sound interesting. My back is steadily healing as I’m spending a little part of each day walking. I’m also spending at least 1 day at the beach for 45 minutes to an hour walking through the waves as a resistance walk to strengthen muscles.

I'm really enjoying my time at the beach alone. Each time I go, being in the water feels more and more natural. Like swimming in a pool at a house you’ve grown up in. The crashing of the waves against my legs is playful and it almost seems as if Mother Nature herself realized I've come over to her house to play for a bit. On the other hand, it also breaks my heart a bit to realize just how much trash washes up on shore and is left behind. I just don’t understand how people who visit the beach can think that someone else will do it for them. I pick up a little here and a little there and I will now participate in Clean Up The Beach events. But it’s only after the last few times I’ve visited that I realize how one day a month is not enough.

Jobs – I’ve moved from applying to all jobs I’m qualified for to applying only to jobs I believe I could be the right candidate for and could be a company I want to work for long term. While at first this may seem irresponsible and lazy I’m finding that by focusing all of my energy on those specific ads and or employers I’m getting better response. I do still apply to some ads that could be within my target hope (for a quality job) but less so than before.

Last week I had five job interviews. The one in the other county hasn't contacted me yet. I have mixed feelings about that one because it is a fabulous company and a dream job...and I did pretty ok in the interview. Not fabulous because I was nervous and made nervous  mistakes, but good. However, I spent a lot more money on the entirety of the interview and getting there and back than I should have. Plus I'm wondering (yet again) do I want to live in Los Angeles county or anther? I'm very torn between the two possibility.  Would I take it if offered? Absolutely. Will I be completely heart broken if I am not offered the position? No.

In addition, I interviewed with a startup with a lot of great potential in the eCmmerence industry. I was allowed to see the beta site and it really is a fabulous website with a lot of features that will worry the competition. Then there is yet anther company I'm interviewing with. While not as alluring as the first one, it is a good company with a solid foundation but slower growth and a lot more challenging work that only mildly appeals to my "professional" and personal interests. Would I turn it down? Not if I was offered the prior one.


Visualization - I went to a MeetUp group and actually listened to one guy (not the host) talk about visualizing what he wanted regardless of how illogical it sounded and then actually getting it. He said it’s a lot like The Secret but without all of the cheezeball commercial fluff. I do believe that positive attracts positive, so I thought how much more different is it from believing that positive energy attracts positive things to visualizing the things you want as actually being yours?

The three things I want right now (and will have) which isn’t too difficult but still stressful and relies on things out of my control are…

1) The kind of position I want for myself right now but leads to a promotion in a field I want to be in and have some experience in. On paper it looks like I’m stepping down from my experience. However, after so much chaos, I want something I’m really good at and moving into harder after I feel more confident and secure.

2) Transitional housing that will lead to my own (studio or 1bd) place with a fenced in type back or front yard.

3) Extra money for Halloween or even to pay off a traffic fine which prevents me from getting my driver’s license back.

There is a long list of things I want and maybe if I list them here…the things I do want in my future but am not ready to have yet will be mine... the actual visualization of those things will put them in some space of limbo so that once I am ready they will happen.

So what do I want that I WILL have… I’m only going to list the things I want for 2010 & 2011. Because while there are things I really want, I’m not ready for them yet, such as a family type boat where I can go boating again.

What do I want that I WILL have by the end of 2011? (Not in any type of chronicle order)

To go back to college to start the process of obtaining a Bachelor’s degree.

Therapist or Life Coach to help me stay on the right path.

Go to a specialist for an undocumented health problem / condition which does affect my work, personal life and self confidence…and have it taken care of (fixed) or confirmed, accepted and get whatever special thing I need for it.

A scooter for city travel

A car – used and paid flat out, no financing.

An RV Van - financed so that it’s not a junker ...and than get rid of the junker so I can save money on insurance and possibly rent. And install a good quality car (RV) alarm for it.

Take mechanic classes so I can fix my own minor car / RV Van repairs.

Take martial art classes. Not just for the hobby and self confidence of getting the colored belts but to truly feel I can protect myself.

Learn how to surf

Take photography classes and buy a nice camera

2 new laptops – 1 for home that has all the bells and whistles and 1 for café use.

An iPad

To have at least $2000 in savings and continue to put money in savings.

I know I said this already but a bathroom all of my own so that kids (or other residents) don’t walk in on me
:o

Balls To The Wall

That’s the saying

...that is what my social worker friend tells me I must do and I did. My “Case Manager” started pushing me to yet again consider and go to the transitional housing program that is five miles from where my abusive ex boyfriend occasionally works. I was shocked and even angry as was evident as my voice speed increased. But I kept my balls to the wall and insisted that if he saw me on the street in the area he was not going to be safe and happy to see me. I saw and heard that I got my point across as she sighed heavily and then proceeded to give me a live in housing exchange. I thought wow… maybe she was really going to give me something of value – no. The live in exchange is in the rural redwood forests.

How the bloody &*$! am I to get a job in a rural area when I cannot even get one in an area with more than five hundred thousand people? I said I would think about it and I did; angrily. Then I calmed down and went back to her, stood my ground and said (paraphrasing)

The reason I want to go to X is because it has a wonderful program that truly helps everyone in the program. It has employment assistance, new training skills, medical, housing assistance and support, support groups and counseling. I don’t just need someone to help me get a job and a new apartment or even a shared apartment. I need someone to help me help myself. I keep making the same abusive choices again and again and I need to stop it. I need support and a mentor type person to help me stay on the right path and stay away from negative people and abusive men. I can’t get that at a homeless shelter or a rural location. X or even X offers everything I need to help me help myself…otherwise I’m just going to end up back at another domestic violence shelter again in a couple of years.

I think this time she heard me… I think this time she listened.

She may be trying to push me out for Trauma Queen's sake but I don't care. Trauma Queen is not my concern and I will not allow her to get in my way. After I finished, she said the program sounded like a good program and she picked up the phone to call the transitional housing program.

Push the limit, go all out, full speed ahead - "Balls to the wall"

I think that my roommate wishes I would go to the same transitional housing program as her... I actually wish I could. But it's the one that is way too close to my ex. We get along well and her kids listen to me. They're not use to listening to mom as a diplinary figure as dad made them afraid to do any wrong and mom was a protector not a defender. 

I do wish I could.... but as much as I care about her and wish her well I have to be selfish in this. 

Everything is OK

Even if it’s not.

24 hours and not the former television show, can produce a lot of blog material. Yesterday late afternoon Trauma Queen fainted again. I thoroughly felt bad for her as I was the one who caught her mid faint and carried her down to the floor…and received a nasty scratch and bruise for my efforts.

I stayed with her performing semi basic paramedic responses – wiggle fingers & toes and take deep breathe. She was out for a short time but kept my voice going while she was out and until the paramedics wheeled her away. The on duty attendee was a bit shaken but handled it well while I kept TQ calm, focused and breathing. This I thought was proof that maybe she wasn’t entirely faking.

I sometimes wonder if there is a part of me that has died. I was completely calm and non reactive during the entire ordeal. It never even crossed my mind to freak out. It was if I was doing something I have done a thousand times before. It actually worries me a little that not an ounce of me was worried or freaked out.

Much later that night in the wee hours of the morning TQ was released and came home. Her arrival wasn’t what I would have expected. For starters I thought with a concussion the hospital would keep her overnight. Second she was pretty lively for someone who has fallen and fainted three separate times in less than a week.

Moving on…

The next morning it was my turn for a visit to the hospital. Not a trip I was looking forward to but a necessary “I need my medicine” visit. However the visit turned out to be more productive then I was expecting. Turns out the hospital has a program for people who have zero income. Furthermore people in shelters get same day temporary approval. So I didn’t have to wait (suffer) without my medicine for days. This has been one of my top three major concerns recently – housing, jobs & how I would get my medicine that keeps me alive.

But before I found out about the program I couldn’t help but start down the same old corridor to insanity way of thinking. What if they don’t provide my medicine? What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to live without it? As always when I let myself slip into that kind of thinking depression quickly slips in… and thoughts of wondering if I would truly be better off dead than constantly fighting to live. Truth is I wish I could. But I have some kind of element inside me that is a survivor and won’t allow me to give up or genuinely kill myself. I’ve tried unsuccessfully and failed without even the decently of the necessity for an ER visit, so suicide is not an option.

But that is neither here or there because the program was introduced to me. But as I always do I think too much and these days have not changed that.

I’m tired of pretending that everything is A OK – it’s not. I’m tired of putting on a happy face whenever I feel people expect it from me. Tired of being the positive one, finding the information needed, being strong and not weak. Even though I know I would hate it, I wish I could be the whiner, the one who needs lots of attentions and help to do everything.

I know that is not who I am but sometimes I just wish it could be.

Trauma Queen

"You are your own worst enemy."

If a person wants to screw up their own life than it is their choice to continue being a fuck up or change. But to be so incredibly selfish and think only of yourself while boasting what a wonderful caring “blessed” being you are and then sneak into a bar (repeatedly) while your BBF watches your kid is just wrong.

Trauma Queen was caught and her son (screw her) is paying the price – they were evicted to whatever location she is able to go regardless of where or what it is. I know for a fact that there are very few openings, one of the limited choices being in Skid Rid in Downtown Los Angeles.

I feel a tremendous amount of sympathy for her son. He deserves so much better and this is wreaking havoc in his life. How many times has she done this to him?

Apparently Trauma Queen has been under suspicion – not surprised since she bragged about her drunken date walk of stupidity to an open air kitchen audience. She asked BBF to watch her son while she went to the store. The current Attendee (and only one who really seems to truly care) followed her into a bar. From there I can only guess that she approached TQ in the bar and told her to go back and pack.

In the minutes lapsing between TQ and the house members leaving she screamed it wasn’t fair while her son just cried. What isn’t fair is that he has her for a mother.

How many times does a person have to fuck up before they get it… before they wake up and realize that they are their own worst enemy and causing their own misery? I know I'm not one to talk or judge but then I'm not one with a son depending on me to provide a safe life.

Been down this path before and I'm taking the left fork this time.



"Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error."
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Praise & Filth

Filth & Praise

Filth

“Bad conduct soils the finest ornament more than filth.” - Titus Maccius Plautus


I haven't been to a lot of shelters but it's been common for the residents to share chores and clean up after themselves. Not so at the moment and I'm a forgotten target for the time being in exchange for another... at least I hope so.

9pm at night and the Attendee decides to have a mandatory House meeting...minus the one mom who most needs to be there. House meeting I'm all in favor of. Waking my roommate up to attend a unscheduled House meeting because of the problems (that were loudly bitched about this morning) is a little rude.

Attendee: {me}"What are your goals and what do you want to accomplish tomorrow?"

{thinking} Seriously? Now you care? I want the fuck out here! I want to 'fix' me. I want counseling, education, a job and my own apt again.

Me: "I'm going to be researching transitional housing and continue looking for a job."

After she asks each one she comes back to me

Attendee: {me} "Do you have any concerns?" 
Me: "About?"
Attendee: "Anything. The house, life, God, anything at all."

{thinking} Yea, the place has no structure, no resources, no support, slack rules and we're all on our good (not best) behavior while we all knowingly re-enact a High School persona.

Me: "Not really. I wish the residents were given bus token so we each could have more access to appointments, court dates, doctor appts and do better job hunting."

Roommate agrees - {thank you}

BBF:  "The bathroom is disgusting."
Goes into a long list of what has happened


Praise

Praise - the word looks wrong to me... unfamiliar.



My roommate and I decided to go to the beach today. While walking to the bus stop we were talking about American's obsession with weight and looks. Living in Southern California can be especially difficult when you’re literally surrounded by people, products and services telling you to slim down and glamour up. As we were discussing weight I told her I would be delightfully happy if and or when I get to a size 14. Quite honestly she said

"You have nothing to worry about, your already gorgeous."  
She was sincere.


I honestly didn't mean to but I scoffed. After more than 20 years of being told I'm fat, ugly, dumb and unladylike dyke like I just find it too difficult to believe I'm anything other than pleasant; pretty at best. I believe the first three insults are and will be my biggest obstacles. The ones I have never been able to fully overcome, the source of insults and ridicule used against me by my ex abusives and the barriers to genuinely changing my life.

Much like Meth is a pleasure / happiness providing demon to drug addicts, those three entities are my goblins nagging at me to never be more than what I am. A lie, I know, but these three goblins have been with me so long that the eviction is going to long and laborious.