Saturday, August 21, 2010

of the House

Drama Drama Drama 

Trauma Queen has been able to convince at least one person that she is the continued victim and is being unfairly targeted for all sorts of meanness. Her Case Manager is also my Case Manager. Case Manager spends so much time attending to Trauma Queen that maybe she has voluntarily given in and chooses to believe her because it’s easier than seeing through the BS and seeing the truth.

My Case Manager asked me how I was and instead of gifting her with a Trauma Queen expected response I told her the antibiotics were working. I’m sure that is not what she was expecting as she stopped texting on her cell phone and looked up at me with a question in her expression that translated into “is that all?” I didn’t add anything to my answer other than to say I was there to take my medicine.

The three transitional programs I called that I know for a fact have an opening…. I was told by my so called Case Manager, that they no longer had an opening. I plan to call first thing Monday morning and again talk to these three shelters and write down the name of the person I speak to and give those names to my so called Case Manager with a request to call that day… subtly telling the program manager I have found openings.

...and it continues...

Trauma Queen is missing her disgusting soap that has sat in the bathroom shower for at least a month and is now missing. I’m sure it was thrown away as it looked too gross for anyone to want to use. I went into the kitchen where my roommate told me of the newest Trauma Queen Enemy of the House – her. TQ asked if she knew what happened to her soap and my roommate responded she had no idea…

TQ said “I knew you would say that,” and stalked off.


My roommate and I talk about real life issues and unfortunately this has become one of them. I reminded her that her only concern is her and her children. Nothing else matters but providing for them and herself. Just as nothing else matters for me except getting myself back to an acceptable living level of happiness - providing for myself.

She made a statement that I can’t help but sadly agree with and relate to. When you have people like Trauma Queen in the world you can’t help but question whether or not you even want to try to get to know people. However, I pointed out that I can provide an admirable example of why it is worth it. I pointed out the differences between her and myself and stated that even with our differences we get along wonderfully.

“Thats why it’s worth getting to know new people.”

What Would You Do?

Would you say something?

When my boyfriend attacked me, I screamed as loudly as humanly possible knowing all of the windows were wide open. No one knocked on our door or even called the police. When I went outside and was talking to the police on the phone, my neighbors came out to do 'stuff.  They fiddled around with 'stuff' (gawking at the car accident syndrome,) but not a single one would look at me let alone ask me if I was ok.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Mint Chip or Mint Chocolate Cookie

Two decisions by any other name is still a choice.

SOCAL covers Orange County to Los Angeles County to Ventura County. Where I’m located is pretty nice but also pretty small. One of the big stress factors for me has been medical care and employment. Medical is now taken care of but employment is uncertain…as it is for thousands of others.

Last night I lost my temper and said exactly what I felt and that may have been a mistake - maybe not.

The stress of the uncertain is weighing on me. Do I go to a shelter in the heart of Los Angeles or do I stay in the general area of where I am? Both areas have their plus and minus features. Where one is quite lovely the other is not. Where one area is ugly it potentially offers more job opening possibilities where the other does not. One is much slower than the other. But the fast pace of the other offers a diversity of possibilities in all areas of life including education. The slower is more relaxed, lived in and comfortable while the other is “be aware and don’t travel down alleyways” cautious.

My personality - hobbies, interests, things that make me smile, keep me interested, make me feel alive... they're all things that rarely exist in just one person. I temporarily feel comfortable in both worlds of sleepy town and fast city life. So how do you choose when you feel so different from everyone else? When you know in a few years you'll be be bored again. I think that is where part of my problem lies. I need to fill all of the interest beakers, balance them on a solid foundation, be true to myself and provide the financial necessaries of being physically me.

Where will I get a job? I don’t know and I don’t know what to do. In the end it is a choice. Two choices where one is no better than the other because it is only a choice. Once you have made it, it’s yours to do with what you can or willing to do with it. I just do not know what I want to do and that in and of its self is stressful.

For better or for worse

Some of the old sayings are true.

You know the old saying 'will only get worse before it gets better.' That one is true.
How about 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'
Maybe that one was born from the first one.

Maybe I attract it. Maybe I am simply a doormat with pop up steel teeth. Maybe it’s just the people themselves that I put myself around and find myself socializing with. Either way I’m tired of it and I’m tired of being the ‘better person.’

After nine pm at night all chores are expected to be done and the house clean and tidy as if the house was available for an Open House. More than three hours prior to this Trauma Queen had left her half eaten grilled cheese sandwich on the table along with a empty bowl of soup and a finished cup of coffee. All this I threw away. If she left it on the table prior to leaving she did not want it. Trauma Queen – a very much well earned title by now, was looking for someone to shoot her anger at after being at the hospital, again. I as I almost always am was at the kitchen table on my laptop. I should have heard the spooky monster hunting theme music the moment she stepped through the front door.

To make a long tirade short she went on and on about her thrown away grilled cheese sandwich and how violated she was - I admitted I threw away her stupid sandwich. When I ignored her hissy fit she stirred in a bit of drama to the trauma by saying that I told her a staff member told me to do it and lying her – why? Why in the world would anyone lie about something so trivial and why in the world would anyone make such a big deal over a grilled cheese sandwich?

One thing led to another and into the 15 minute loud rant I had enough and went to the attendee present. I honestly told her that after the day I had and a week of having to listen to her rant on and on I was not capable of putting up with any more of her drama. The attendee really should have listened to me.

The “House Meeting” was nothing more than the next episode of The Trauma Queen Bitching Hour.” Guest Staring ME – resident quite girl, closet bitch. Ten minutes into her rant and raving about me, calling me a liar, how she wouldn’t stand for it and how despicable I was I spoke up and verbally defended myself. I called her on each of her own lies about each and every resident, her drama and did so with everyone present. Then I let her verbally hang herself with her own words as she continued for more than twenty minutes to contradict herself.

No one but me went to bed immediately following the disastrous “House Meeting.” I don’t care what was said about me or even for me. I gave Trauma Queen a road to someone she could tell her two-faced lying secrets to and then deny she said any of them by accusing me as a liar. I let these people get too close to me. I am on my own and it is up to me to secure my own future. For the potential exception of my roommate I have no intension whatsoever to keep in contact with any of them.

Maybe a bit of fire is what I needed. Even though I still feel sick and a bit weak from an infection that I’m told could have easily turned into bronchitis, I went to the Job Center to apply for a government sponsored paid internship program… also sent some more resumes.

What is next? Will one of us be told to leave? I don't know. Due to Trauma Queen’s rash of injuries I find it very unlikely that they would send her somewhere else. This means me being the most easily place able, workable and self-sufficient would be the one to leave. For better or for worse - I’m outta here; it’s only a matter of when.


A favorite group of musicians I listen to when I'm in one of those moods.

Apocalyptica - Path

Apocalyptica - Hope

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Everything is OK

Even if it’s not.

24 hours and not the former television show, can produce a lot of blog material. Yesterday late afternoon Trauma Queen fainted again. I thoroughly felt bad for her as I was the one who caught her mid faint and carried her down to the floor…and received a nasty scratch and bruise for my efforts.

I stayed with her performing semi basic paramedic responses – wiggle fingers & toes and take deep breathe. She was out for a short time but kept my voice going while she was out and until the paramedics wheeled her away. The on duty attendee was a bit shaken but handled it well while I kept TQ calm, focused and breathing. This I thought was proof that maybe she wasn’t entirely faking.

I sometimes wonder if there is a part of me that has died. I was completely calm and non reactive during the entire ordeal. It never even crossed my mind to freak out. It was if I was doing something I have done a thousand times before. It actually worries me a little that not an ounce of me was worried or freaked out.

Much later that night in the wee hours of the morning TQ was released and came home. Her arrival wasn’t what I would have expected. For starters I thought with a concussion the hospital would keep her overnight. Second she was pretty lively for someone who has fallen and fainted three separate times in less than a week.

Moving on…

The next morning it was my turn for a visit to the hospital. Not a trip I was looking forward to but a necessary “I need my medicine” visit. However the visit turned out to be more productive then I was expecting. Turns out the hospital has a program for people who have zero income. Furthermore people in shelters get same day temporary approval. So I didn’t have to wait (suffer) without my medicine for days. This has been one of my top three major concerns recently – housing, jobs & how I would get my medicine that keeps me alive.

But before I found out about the program I couldn’t help but start down the same old corridor to insanity way of thinking. What if they don’t provide my medicine? What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to live without it? As always when I let myself slip into that kind of thinking depression quickly slips in… and thoughts of wondering if I would truly be better off dead than constantly fighting to live. Truth is I wish I could. But I have some kind of element inside me that is a survivor and won’t allow me to give up or genuinely kill myself. I’ve tried unsuccessfully and failed without even the decently of the necessity for an ER visit, so suicide is not an option.

But that is neither here or there because the program was introduced to me. But as I always do I think too much and these days have not changed that.

I’m tired of pretending that everything is A OK – it’s not. I’m tired of putting on a happy face whenever I feel people expect it from me. Tired of being the positive one, finding the information needed, being strong and not weak. Even though I know I would hate it, I wish I could be the whiner, the one who needs lots of attentions and help to do everything.

I know that is not who I am but sometimes I just wish it could be.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Honoring the victims?

How best can we / should we honor the victims of 9/11?

Ground Zero Mosque Opponents Have a Lot of Work to Do - Bob Cesca

"Let's begin with the actual ground. The Ground Zero. Literally, the ground. The One World Trade Center (aka. Freedom Tower) website notes the following feature:

The below-grade concourses will include approximately 55,000 square feet of retail space and connect to an extensive transportation and retail network..."

In my opinion I find that using the very space where people died for retail shopping to be offensive. Yes, the towers will need and want retail outlets. Must it be in the ground known as Ground Zero? Why not a library, a cafeteria, a museum...Hell, I would even be ok with a 24 Hour Fitness gym. But shopping for personal luxury seems so damn wrong.

I read the article at The Huffington Post and couldn't help myself from posting a sarcastic comment that some will probably and maybe even should find offensive. Here is the comment I wrote for the article. After posting it and then reading it, I really do wish I could go back to college.

Honor the heroes and victims of 9/11 by bringing in the shoppers! It can be an annual Ground Zero honoring tradition that all shoppers shop (with 50% discounts) until they drop from exhaustion every Sept. 11th. Shopping in ground zero, where so many people died... shoppers will be walking on the dead quiet literally. THAT is much more offensive then a Mosque that has nothing to do with terrorists.

You want to do the victims some justice? How about a homeless shelter for those hit by the economy? The homeless who have not been homeless before. The ones who do not have drug addictions. The ones with some skills that can be taught and are willing to learn new ones…then they can be hired for the thousands of jobs the towers will create. That is honoring the victims. 

Bad Day

Sickness & Trauma Queens SUCK!

Woke up feeling like there was a boulder sitting on my lungs.

No openings yet for transitional housing…again

Received a scammer job email asking me for all of my personal identification information

The little boy is screaming his harpy song stronger than usual today. 

Was given a list of employment agencies to contact - over half is work I can’t do or have no experience in…still sending them my resume.

Headache is slam dancing

Trauma Queen took the rest of the saltines into her room… I’m not eating much and saltine crackers have been the only thing I have been eating steadily throughout the day this week. It’s not as if there isn’t an entire kitchen or pantry full of food and beverages so you’d think the bitch could leave me the least expensive snack in the entire fucking shelter!

No drugs so I can’t knock myself out with Nightquil or sleeping aids – FUCK! That could totally qualify as an addiction!

Last night Trauma Queen insisted I feel her goose egg bump where she fell down (again) and knocked her head. Here's a tip - stop falling down for attention! I don't have to touch you to know you have Traumatic Reenactment Syndrome (TRS) - get a therapist not shelter residents to touch your multiple injuries. 

I know that may sound callous but I'm sick of hearing her whine about everything and everyone and listening over and over again to her complaints and issues. We ALL have issues here but now is the time to start the process of getting past them and starting new, not rehashing them every single day. 

Ahhhh - the harpie boy is non stop today!  I even spoke up telling the little boy loudly & very firmly NO! (and putting my finger in front of my lips) - this shocked the boy and his mother for a few moments. She finally took the little harpie outside to annoy the neighbors. 

Headache raging - going back to my room.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Some Things Remain The Same


Children in the center of themselves are simply children. In moments such as the one I’m watching now you can see how children are children. Regardless of what culture, religion or language spoken, they laugh at the silly cartoons, they’re delighted when they play and they gather to watch in wonder and suspense for the (age appropriate) scary shows.

Some things never change…until they’re older.

Today's Thoughts


JetBlue flight attendant - "After a week of his story saturating a strangely obsessed media, on Sunday Slater procured the services of top publicist Howard Bragman to help deal with media relations and manage the numerous offers said to be coming his way."

A couple of sentences and he gets a celebrity deal? DAMN! I've got a whole coffee table book of stuff I can rant about and I'm definitely available.

Bugs Bunny Penis Scandal: Fact or Fiction?
Ah yes.... Tim Berners-Lee knew that people needed a way to discuss whether Bug Bunny was a transexual, simply gay or even if he had a penis.Don't you feel better knowing that you can, at any given time, find out all the dirty little secrets about your favorite cartoon characters?

But seriously folks, 

I made the calls again as I have every Monday - Friday for the last two weeks and yet again - no openings. However, I am now getting frustrated because the same people who are answering the same calls must recognize my name and voice. A couple of these agencies are now telling me to come to the shelter in person.... Gee I would except there is no transportation assistance from the shelter I am in now, it’s not anywhere close to your agency and I would have to start walking a minimum of 3 hours beforehand and hope I walk fast enough to be there at requested early am (5 am to 7am) show up time.

In addition, the shelter I'm in has curfew times and residents are not to leave between those times...oh and I'm sick and can't afford a doctor so the walk would probably put me in the hospital. Which depending on what hospital I go to I could potentially be dumped (literally) on Skid Row after my hospital visit. Would that convince you I’m serious?

I’m obviously not serious about helping myself. I just don’t have anything better to do than call you everyday and annoy you. :/

Damn! Is there any agency, business, personal dealings that doesn't have political and or pettiness bullshit to sort through?


There is one Case Manager (Attendee) who really shows she cares. For whatever reasons that is not made known to me my "case manager" is a person I see around the place once in a while doing something that isn’t directly related to her “clients”... but that's it. This one person who does sincerely go out of her way to help whoever needs it is why we need these shelters.

No job interviews yet
No new job leads
But still trying.

Maybe I'll take a few better looking photos of myself and officially label myself as an actress or plus size model. Why the Hell not? If JetBlue Boy can be an overnight success for leaving dramatically then surely I have a chance. :p

Reigning Queen

Trauma & Drama

BBF is the now the reigning queen of, well, trauma. Each of us has been through a lot. Each of us have our own screwed up issues and each of us are here for one common reason. There is no arguing that. But the “House Meeting” was nothing more than The Trauma Queen Bitching Hour. The meeting started out harmless enough.

  • How are you doing?
  • What have you accomplished?
  • What do you plan to accomplish this week?
  • Any issues?

Trauma Queen did not only take the stage but stole it and kept it hostage. No one was safe from her tirade. First she bashed the Spanish speaking mom in English so she didn’t have a chance to confront or defend herself and then she started in on my roommate who was asleep. At that point I spoke up and gently but firmly said I didn’t feel comfortable talking about someone who isn’t here to confront the issues.

But Trauma Queen would not relinquish her stage. She went on and on until I again spoke up and said.

“All we’re doing is kicking a dead horse. Let’s agree that both mothers need to be spoken to and move on.”

That worked for approximately two minutes. After that I made it obvious that I was uninterested and let her bash away in Spanish knowing I was probably the target for at least scene two.

I stayed awake for that!? What a fucking fraud!

The next morning I did speak up to the attending staff member… I’m sure not much was done but at least someone stood up and said something. If I just made myself a bigger brighter target then so be it.

What really makes me sick (of her) is that she acted as if she did nothing wrong the next morning. Chatting and happily moaning as she went about her way making sure everyone knows yet again as if we couldn't see it or haven't already heard it numerous times before.... that she is injured.

We get it.... We didn't come here to this place thinking we we're going to be the next Big Sister Reality TV Stars!


Again, I remind myself that I have to stay positive for myself. If she is so desperate for the spotlight of any kind whether it is positive or negative that is her concern. Down the road she will see how negative spotlight hogging is only harming her…I hope. I have to worry about me and just me. If I can help someone with something I know, great, but it is not and cannot be my responsibility to point out the better path to anyone.

Time to start making transitional housing calls.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Lose Weight Guaranteed!

The (not really) New 100% No Fail Diet!

It’s taking the nation by storm! 

+ No exercising
+ No counting calories
+ No diet coaches
+ No (more) Powder supplements, pre-packaged foods, shakes and cookies.

No one fails on this diet.

It’s the Amazing Homeless Poverty Diet!*

Order now!
Send me your last $39.99 (plus s/h) and I will show you how to lose weight easily!
aka The Starving Artist Diet

*This diet is totally fake. Don't really send me your last $39.99

As my roommate and I walked back from the park, she noticed that in just the little time I have been here I’ve lost weight…and all I had to do was lose my gym membership, lose my job, lose my home and apply to jobs that are not interested in a technology knowledgeable cashier. 

Damn, I could have saved myself a lot of time and money by not wasting it on a membership, healthy eating and gym clothes. I can't afford to buy jeans that fit the current me. 

Note:Subliminal words were intentional.

Normal Life?

Staying Positive

One of the most difficult things to do in a shelter, any kind of shelter is staying positive. It really amazes me how many of the women here have and are taking advantage of the shelter. I’m not saying this is the norm for all shelters just the one I happen to be in. My roommate and I both truly appreciate and understand how lucky we each are to be here. We understand that the shelter is paying for the roof over our head, the food we eat and the utilities we need to cook food and do laundry. However, the current residents seem to only take advantage of these offerings... and yes I have my own complaints but I still understand how lucky I am to be here instead of on the streets literally.

Communal living isn’t for everyone so when you feel you have no other choice but a shelter you have to be prepared for making sacrifices that you may not like. Communal living means pitching in for everything - that includes cleaning, cooking, conserving resources and even watching children playing outside. I’m not saying free babysitting but if you see a child doing something not safe, tell the mom or tell the child no. What I am witnessing is that the residents do not seem to recognize that they are part of a hive that depends on the entire hive working together as one and not constantly bickering about what one person doesn’t like.

These two distinctly different attitudes and or approaches are what I believe will be the difference between “normal” life success and potential future returns to a shelter. I’m still attempting to locate a transitional housing program for a non addict female who is not a single mom.

I’m discovering new articles across the US that show there is obviously a need for both family and single person shelters. However, what I am discovering in my own search is that single parents and addicts are still the outreach targets for programs. While homelessness has been a big problem for more years than I could research, the new crop of homeless are people that anyone could claim as neighbors or friends… and the resources for this new crop of ‘Homeless’ is not being met. The new crop of homeless has just as much chance (possibly more) at becoming profitably employed. Not because of their current skills but because they too are willing to learn new skills and get back into “normal” life.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

This is not a hotel

“Do you understand what a DV Shelter is?”

Too many people in the world assume the niceness of a person is a weakness…and sometimes it is. However, I for one am not weak. The newest member of the Bad Male Choice Club asked me about chores and I explained that each of us has a chore or two to do each and every night. The woman said

“But I don’t eat here and I work.”

Me: "You can do your chores before or after work.”

“I work very late.”

Me: “I’m sure that will be fine with staff if you do them a little later.”

“Who makes this list because I need to tell them I work.”

Me: “The staff. Even though you work you still have to do chores.”

She looks for help from the other woman (Spanish speaking only) and they converse.

Let me get this straight…

You believe that because you work you shouldn’t have to do chores? I had to quite a job I was hired for only a short time after getting it because I had to leave my abusive boyfriend and go to a shelter. So how badly were you “abused” that he won’t track you down at your job? If you have a job where he (or she) will not stalk you, than you have a way out of an abusive relationship and have no need for a shelter. That or you should be paying a small fee for staying at a shelter. The shelter is NON profit and there are a lot of fees associated with shelters...any house in general.

Being sick and a bit bitchy I want to tell this lazy bitch who even now is just sitting on the couch watching TV and not doing her fair share ....

"Hey, your not working now. Instead of enjoying all the comforts of free living, why don't you pretend not to abuse the opportunity you've been given and do your fair share of the household upkeep?"

Email Scams

Email Evil

From Kristi Lee Beloved Friend, I apologize writing you this mail but i want you to consider me with much full heartily. Wondering how i got your email,i got it through ancesral online and my heart goes to you. 狢 am writing this mail to you with heavy tears in my eyes and great sorrow in my heart because my Doctor told me that I will die in a week time. Base on this development I want to will my Funds which is deposited in a security company. I am in search of a reliable person who will use the Funds to build charity organization for the saints and help people living with HIV. The person will take 40% of the total sum. While 60% of the money will go to charity organization and helping the Orphanage Homes and the Less Privileges in your society.I grew up as an Orphan and i don't have Relatives / Family member to take care of my wealth. The total money in question is 4.7 million dollars (Four Million Seven Hundred Dollars only).I will provide you with other information𠏋 once you indicate your willingness. Please contact me on my personal email on {} as soon as you receives this mail. Yours sincerely, Ms Kristi Lee.

Do people really fall for this crap?


Thinking Positive

Living in this home is especially difficult when you have just one person who sees herself, her family and her actions as a singular unit – she does not see how her actions, her lack of parental guidance and her dismissive attitude affects everyone else.

She won’t eat anyone else’s dinners (each person takes turns & shares,) but expects everyone to eat hers even though she doesn’t make enough for the entire house and she cooks the same thing every time. Food is provided from the shelter so there really isn’t an excuse. Plus my roommate is vegetarian and it always has meat. I prefer non meat because her meal is always so greasy. Both of us have stopped expecting dinner from her and we cook before she has a chance to make dinner. This way we can make vegetarian and meat versions for the entire house.

She has been asked (by staff) to start watching her son who screeches and start trying to dissuade him from doing so. She only sticks him outside for the neighbors to be annoyed. We have one woman here who works until midnight and another who is on pain medication from multiple broken bones – this is incredibly selfish and rude for these two women to be woken up between 7 and 9 am because its too much of a bother for the mom to teach him better. It’s incredibly difficult to stay positive when one entity is making it difficult to see past the negative - and I’m also fighting a cold I caught because of this woman.

Because I am in the situation I decided to take a break from everyone in my personal life. However I have remained connected to one person who has proved to be a genuine friend to me (and vice versa). This is the person who encouraged me to leave my abusive boyfriend though neither of us truly understood what that meant and the consequences of leaving… But I don't regret it.

She has been a rock for me. She went through a traumatic life altering situation herself and is still recovering from it as she is on the brink of homelessness herself. Even though both of us are in dire situations we still find moments where we can contribute something to another person. Sometimes it’s each other and often we just do little things without realizing how the little things makes a positive difference to someone else.

We've talked about starting a non-profit group for people who don’t fit neatly inside the current display case of what society sees as Homelessness and those who need assistance to prevent homelessness and even suicide since we both fall outside the guidelines of currently counted and help-able. She believes I'm a social worker in the making :) I’m interested in doing this but feel right now I'm just not ready or willing to do more then help myself.

On the other hand I have been able to help a couple of the women here by giving them transitional programs they fit in with. I found two for my roommate, one of which wouldn't be too terribly far from where I might be. I'm hoping she gets in so we can more easily keep in contact.

Things will come together. I just have to think positive and keep trying.