Saturday, September 4, 2010

Just one more chance, please?

I’m starting over. I honestly feel like I have died. Maybe not physically but in every other way I feel like I’ve died and am dead. I've been offline for over a month from people who have known me for more than a year, a couple for more than three years and yet… no one wonders where I am or even if I’m dead, no one cares. I’ve alienated quality people I should have kept in contact with and I surrounded myself with people who were only slightly more stable then myself but still lives within their own muck.

I’ve really screwed my life up and I feel like, if there is a god or goddess even he/she is sick of my negative bullshit. I'm riddled with guilt and I feel like if I even have a chance left this is it, no more chances. I’ve fucked up and I know it. I deserve whatever happens to me in the next few days if it’s negative. I lied to the DV Shelter I’m in. I told them I have never been in a DV Shelter before. I lied because I knew (or believe) that if I said I had they would say

“Sorry Charlie, you can’t do it twice in a row.”

But I couldn’t stay in Skid Row. I was dying inside and knew that it was only a matter of days before I died physically. The herniated disc injury was something I wasn’t expecting and yet it may have saved my life or at least saved me from Skid Row, but for how long? The DV Shelter knows I lied and I lied to cover up my lie. If they call the former DV Shelter I was at my entire lie will be exposed… so I deserve whatever may happen come Monday or Tuesday.

Lying and abusive environments / boyfriends is all I know. It’s all I’ve ever known since I was kid. Lie to show your as wealthy as the neighbors, lie that your father isn't an alcoholic, lie that your mother is the real life Mary Pippins, lie that everything in life is just peachy, lie about how you fractured your arm, broke your foot, got the bruises on your wrist, cheek, shoulder – everything is fine, I’m just clumsy. Lying to save my own ass and make everyone believe that all is happy and good. Except in this case I lied to put a roof over my head without street thug women eying my belongings wondering if there’s anything of mine they want.

I did show up at the transitional housing program Monday. The self centered cunt said that I couldn’t just show up anytime I wanted – “it doesn't work that way. You'll have to make a new appointment.” The first appointment took me two weeks of phone calls and begging to get. So she made the mistake of not putting my name on the list for intake before she leaves for the weekend but I’m the one that pays the price for her mistake... So I lied.

I want to change but it may be too late. I didn’t lie meaning to. I didn’t do it to hurt anyone else or to be purposely deceitful. I just couldn’t handle Skid Row. Then my back went out.

I’m growing stronger every day. I still can’t lift or carry much weight but in time I will. Time isn’t something I have a lot of. If come Monday or Tuesday and they find out all of the truth I have no doubt they’ll ask me to leave. I wouldn’t blame them; I would do the same in their position.

I want to change. No more abusive boyfriends and no more vampire positive energy sucking “friends”. I see how much I’ve fucked up my life. How many chances I’ve been given by people and Fate, but it may be too late now, and I have no one to blame but myself. I’m trying to stay positive and tell myself that everything is going to be ok. They won’t verify, they won’t ask me to leave. But I don’t believe I deserve another chance and what you believe comes true…

Only a genuine miracle will keep me in this place. If come Wednesday and I’m still here, I swear I will change and will never let this happen again. I hope it’s not too late.

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