Sunday, October 24, 2010


Am I being selfish by wanting to stay within the greater Los Angeles area? I lived and left my ex-boyfriend where resided in one of the larger districts / counties. But I came back because this is what is familiar to me and where …as much as I bitch about it, is where I love to live. But am I being selfish or even stupid for not leaving? That’s the question I’m seriously asking myself.

Through the grapevine I was told about a blog post he wrote and so I checked it out for myself (through a proxy server.) Anyone else who reads it would take it as what he said it was – a rant (full of lies) about me. My first impression was that it was so incredibly false that he was trying to lure me into commenting on it or to contact him. In the past I probably would have, but never again.

However, as I read it I saw the anger and violence behind it. I could visualize him getting drunk, kicking or throwing a few things and than going online to rant about the evils of me and the innocence of him.

I’ve deleted a major local social networking profile that held my picture and known online name. I’m also deleting some of the other ones that can be replaced easily. Each of my profiles that I do use regularly for personal or work related stuff (job hunting, intern work & volunteer work) lists a different believable city in which I could be residing.

Am I being stupid? By staying here am I putting myself at risk? I don’t want to start over yet again. I’m on the verge on landing a really good job and getting into transitional housing – which is a separate rant but seems unimportant now. Technically I'm pretty far from him. However I’m still only an hour (or so) drive away. Do I want to throw away everything because of one suspicious blog posting?

The prosecutor is going after him with or without me. I don’t want to be involved, I want him and all of that to go away and never show its ugly face again. If I allow myself to get involved it opens up a large can of filth for him to use against me. I am a serial domestic violence dater after all. As facts, my past can easily be used against me and I don’t know, I’m pretty sure I’m not strong enough to withhold not being emotionally destroyed from it. So I’m not going to contact the prosecutor. I may and a big may it is, mail official affidavits with my statements but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. Even then, I would have to go to a different county to do it so that a trail wouldn’t be left behind to track me.

What I don’t trust our government to protect me? No, I don’t. It not only didn’t protect me from my mother but throw me back into her house telling me that I bruised myself and broke my own arm. When I went for help with my second abuser, no help was offered. I was never told I had options. So no, I don’t trust that the good ol broken red, white and blue protectors will protect me.

Maybe that’s why I’m a little disgusted / disenchanted with the women I see and live with at the DV shelter. Because I know they have been given a chance to have a new life and they take it for granted.

If one of his friends sees me and they tell him where they saw me, I may be in serious danger. But I also don’t want to move… but I may not have a choice. I’m going to sit and wait and watch. If I think he could / will come out to find me or if he blogs messages that escalate farther into being dangerous to me, then I’ll leave immediately. Otherwise, I’m sitting tight. I’ll get the job, potentially using a business identification number instead of my ssn and save my money. At least this way I’m building up a savings to run if I have to.

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