Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What is it?

I'm wondering if the unsecured network I'm using is not just one from a local resident (or business) but one directly connected to the shelter. I wouldn’t be surprised. With my barely entry level limited knowledge of networking it is possible to view where computers go (online)…hence if the network I’m using is theirs they could indeed see my blog.

Let me clarify what this blog is.

It’s a place for me to rant, rave, think and just "talk." It's much like a journal but it's a blog. I know anyone can read it if they find it.

I would never be this honest in a blog where my name is publicly displayed. So yes, I'm pretty much saying (writing) almost anything I'm thinking or feeling. I'm not making it up nor am I adding to it as any good story teller does. In fact I'm leaving out some bits because it's either irrelevant or not worth mentioning. Why? Because it's either too boring to even write about or it's trivial and would look worse on me for going on and on about just how much she annoys me. Plus, I'm done. She is truly her own worst enemy and nothing I could say could match the harm she is doing to herself...and no I don't want her to be harmed. I want her to wallflower exist until at least I’m out of here.

I genuinely do feel bad for the shelter who cannot morally tell her to find a transitional housing program (move out.) She is damaged physically, emotionally and mentally. But that does not mean she has a right or a defense for causing me or any other resident stress. Obviously I can be selfish and yes I am indeed being selfish now. I have less than one week left here and I do not want to push the shelter in allowing me extra time. I want to move out, move on and move forward. I want the best possible transitional program I can get accepted into. I have not so typical goals (not dreams) that I want and in order to accomplish those goals I have to be 100% self-sufficient. So am I being a bit selfish? Absolutely.

Being any kind of staff member of a shelter is stressful. Just try to imagine having a minimum of five women coming to you constantly, asking for something or pouring out their daily stress. This zaps a lot of energy from people. The women who work here do try hard and do a lot to not only do their job but really care. I believe that even my Case Manager cares and does not intentionally mean to not help me. In fact I believes she  thinks she is doing what is best but doesn’t understand that by doing nothing she is doing negative. I don’t know. No one can really know all the circumstances that influence someone to chose or not chose choices in their daily lives. Then again she is only now showing that maybe she did listen to what I said and sees that even though I am tech / research capable I cant do it all.


Do I have some grievances? Of course. Can I completely blame the staff for things that happen between residents? No, they can only do so much. Whenever you have a group of people from various backgrounds and experiences, the dynamics are bound to sway negatively at least once in a while.

On the other hand I'm upset that it seems no one here seems to understand why I don't want to take even a minimal chance in running into my ex or my ex seeing me on the street. The Metrolink station stop location is at the interception of the highway exit he exits from to go to the office. No one here (staff) has ever asked me what happened. No one knows how he attacked me, why he attacked or even if there is a chance he would again if he saw me...never been asked "is he dangerous? I mean... is this a domestic violence shelter or a "I had an argument with my boyfriend and I don't want to live with him anymore" shelter?

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