Sink or Swim

The Beautiful People

Knowing I have two distinctively different choices that each present just enough to get started, how do you choose? Each location will be difficult offering something the other doesn’t but not offering something the other does not. For me the key difference so far is jobs. Can I and will I get a job in that location? This situation is causing me stress and the sooner it's over, I choose, a choice is made for me - the sooner I can leave this situation and begin a new one… start building something.

Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast

Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime

I keep coming back to Los Angeles because at least it is in the general area of where I can pursue long term goals. I want to be part of genuine communal living community. A place where everyone in the house took part of the long application process to be part of something they understand is a hive way of living.

There are very few diverse opportunities available in this area or the surrounding rural areas. Though I love the peacefulness of the smaller areas, my spirit races with the diversity of city life. Then again I feel like I'm in rehab and I can't help but wonder if an addict (of negative people) such as myself should so quickly throw herself in to that which put her in this situation... sink or swim?

Can I handle it this time?
Am I ready?
Do I even want to?

Build the foundation that is the key. Build the foundation and the rest (of my goals and desires) will be easier to obtain.


I'm discovering that there is another staff member (Case Manager?) who appears to really want to help me. Maybe because I'm hiding between my earphones now. But she made a pont to come see from at the kitchen table first before even checking into the office.

Asking me how my job hunt was going, if I needed anything from the shelter storage and how I was. I'm tired of wearing my mask so I told her the truth - I wish I had a different Case Manager. Maybe not the smartest move but I'm too tire to lie / be politically nice.

She says she'll look for jobs for me as well and we discussed why I'm having such a hard time landing an interview. My qualifications are getting old, I can't use a couple of my online network websites (because of my ex) and I'm not able to update my skills with college / training.

Sometimes just listening - genuinely caring is enough.

Five Miles Too Close

The only transitional housing program my "Case Manager" wants me to go to is 5 miles (9 minutes) from where my ex has weekly business (goes to) and she has been told this.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

I looked up the the office compared to the housing location and it is nine minutes away and in an area where I would be looking for jobs. There is no way I am going to allow this lazy worker to 'place' me in a situation where there is even a slight chance I may run into him.

THAT is ridiculous.

I'm now seriously questioning my Case Manager’s qualifications in being a Case Manager. The rest of the staff is pretty friendly though. The case Manager I mentioned previously  is a gem. She goes out of her way to help anyone who needs help. However, I have to wonder why did my 'Case Manager' take this job?

Did she think it would be easy?

Was it luck?

Did she lose interest and burn out on what she thought it would be?

Did she have no other job options?

I'm seriously questioning my own ideas of following through with being a Social Worker after the Trauma Queen experience. I simply do not have the patients to deal with people who constantly cause themselves trauma, drama or stress - i.e. they do nothing to help themselves and only instead incite more problems into they're lives.

I've been told I would be a wonderful Social Worker - would I really?