Selfishness?

Am I being selfish by wanting to stay within the greater Los Angeles area? I lived and left my ex-boyfriend where resided in one of the larger districts / counties. But I came back because this is what is familiar to me and where …as much as I bitch about it, is where I love to live. But am I being selfish or even stupid for not leaving? That’s the question I’m seriously asking myself.


Through the grapevine I was told about a blog post he wrote and so I checked it out for myself (through a proxy server.) Anyone else who reads it would take it as what he said it was – a rant (full of lies) about me. My first impression was that it was so incredibly false that he was trying to lure me into commenting on it or to contact him. In the past I probably would have, but never again.

However, as I read it I saw the anger and violence behind it. I could visualize him getting drunk, kicking or throwing a few things and than going online to rant about the evils of me and the innocence of him.


I’ve deleted a major local social networking profile that held my picture and known online name. I’m also deleting some of the other ones that can be replaced easily. Each of my profiles that I do use regularly for personal or work related stuff (job hunting, intern work & volunteer work) lists a different believable city in which I could be residing.


Am I being stupid? By staying here am I putting myself at risk? I don’t want to start over yet again. I’m on the verge on landing a really good job and getting into transitional housing – which is a separate rant but seems unimportant now. Technically I'm pretty far from him. However I’m still only an hour (or so) drive away. Do I want to throw away everything because of one suspicious blog posting?


The prosecutor is going after him with or without me. I don’t want to be involved, I want him and all of that to go away and never show its ugly face again. If I allow myself to get involved it opens up a large can of filth for him to use against me. I am a serial domestic violence dater after all. As facts, my past can easily be used against me and I don’t know, I’m pretty sure I’m not strong enough to withhold not being emotionally destroyed from it. So I’m not going to contact the prosecutor. I may and a big may it is, mail official affidavits with my statements but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. Even then, I would have to go to a different county to do it so that a trail wouldn’t be left behind to track me.


What I don’t trust our government to protect me? No, I don’t. It not only didn’t protect me from my mother but throw me back into her house telling me that I bruised myself and broke my own arm. When I went for help with my second abuser, no help was offered. I was never told I had options. So no, I don’t trust that the good ol broken red, white and blue protectors will protect me.


Maybe that’s why I’m a little disgusted / disenchanted with the women I see and live with at the DV shelter. Because I know they have been given a chance to have a new life and they take it for granted.


If one of his friends sees me and they tell him where they saw me, I may be in serious danger. But I also don’t want to move… but I may not have a choice. I’m going to sit and wait and watch. If I think he could / will come out to find me or if he blogs messages that escalate farther into being dangerous to me, then I’ll leave immediately. Otherwise, I’m sitting tight. I’ll get the job, potentially using a business identification number instead of my ssn and save my money. At least this way I’m building up a savings to run if I have to.

Visualization

This is what I’ve been working on for the last two weeks. Not the gaudy book The Secret or “do you want to attract money with your mind?!” scam. But being positive, visualizing and building a new foundation for myself and forming a new life for myself through visualization. Words are the sharpest weapon and the easiest to use. So trying to prevent and stop myself from negative thoughts and trying only to think of the positive is harder to do than say you’re going to do.

The new things I have started
The first was writing down in general terms what I deserved to have and what I wanted and what I will have regardless of the ‘how’.

The nest step (for me) has been discontinuing day dreaming about physical attacks that could (not really) happen to me. When these thoughts start I almost physically push them away from me and remind myself that they / it will not happen.

Another Step - Writing down how I want to feel

• In a job
• In a transitional housing
• In everyday life itself

Realizing that a foundation needs solid quality materials. For me that mean no more junk food (I have health problems.) If I do have the occasional junk food, then do something to counter react it or add something better (healthier) afterwards.

I feel better about life in general and I do see more opportunities. But after a life time of living within poisonous trenches and feeding off mostly poison…it’s a lot harder to stay on this path then people realize. It’s not just hard, it’s fricken ridiculously hard.

This is one of the reasons that each morning I’m meeting a small group of people to discuss more spiritual positive living. I’m finding that waking up early (Monday through Friday at least) is helping me to start my day off right and helping me to stay positive.

Things You Should Know

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not as a shelter resident. Do people forget, never learned them or simply don't care? If the last is the case, why should those who manage the shelters care about the residents?

I don’t know why the little house / shelter resident things are bothering me today but they are. These are things I have seen at the other DV Shelter as well and now seeing them here. Statistically the residents are different. Is age and culture the difference? Maybe so. How or why do some people forget what environments they came from after a few days to a week and try to enforce their way of living on others... isn't that what we DV woman left?

Consider this
 If it is not ok for us to be made to feel and or physically made to do things our now ex partners wanted us to do, why would it be ok to try to force anther resident to act or to do things we want them to do against their will / preference?

This list of should but don’t know things should be obvious to everyone, but it’s not. Is it because we don’t own this place? It’s not ours; we don’t pay money (rent) to be here so we do not feel obligated to care for it while here? It’s annoying. It’s really annoying that we’re given a free place to sleep, free food to eat, free beverages, free utilities and even free clothing when available and all of this does not include the free resources were given such as free medical care and often step in much quicker than those calling in for an appointment that do not live in a shelter. Uggg I thought my time at the beach resolved some of this but apparently I need an extra dose.

SO

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not in shelters.

Close the door - The house has two doors, a security screen door and a standard door – close one of them. Flies suck and they’re annoying when they buzz around your food plate when your trying to eat. Plus we have fruits and vegetables on the counter and California has fruit flies – they’re dangerous. Shut at least one of the doors.

Bathroom Privacy - If the bathroom door is shut, knock first, wait to see if someone answers and than wait if you hear someone say they’re in there. DON'T try the door yourself to see if your kid was just making it up. When someone says several times, “Just a moment”, that means give that person a moment to finish their ‘business’ before entering the bathroom.

Dirty Hands - Washing your hands really is a necessity after using the bathroom, especially and specifically for children. They should absolutely be washing their hands after using the bathroom each and every time. I can plainly see what the kids are doing and its worrisome what I can’t see them doing and than wanting to grab and play with me (as all kids like to do with adults who are not their parents) knowing / suspecting their hands haven’t been washed since their bath the night before – GROSS!

Rocks Are Not Toys - Throwing rocks inside the house is not a good idea. Throwing rocks at your brother /sister is really NOT a good idea. I can remain silent on a lot of things but that is not one of them. If you breed them, care for them.

Priorities - Your kids are more important than your makeup and or dying your hair.

Eating Habits - Kids really do need fresh vegetables. Canned dinners and frozen cartoon chicken nuggets is ok occasionally but seriously… the stuff that grows from the ground isn’t (shouldn’t be) optional eating choices.

The shelter took you in because you said you were being abused physically, mentally and or emotionally. That means you have a choice between getting your little life luxuries and continuing to be a victim or being in a safe place with generic items and an opportunity to make your life better so that later on you can afford to have your luxuries without the abusive spouse / partner…which one is more important?

Free doesn't mean you get to abuse it 


If you’re getting things for free appreciate them and don’t bitch about the things you’re not getting. The shelter only offers the 99 cents store type shampoo and conditioner instead of the $5 to $9 shampoo and conditioner – wah. Its free deal with it.

Think about other people than yourself  - You’re not paying rent, utilities, food and referred to medical care when needed as well as encouraged to apply to CalWorks or GR…this means you’re getting money and Food Stamps on top of getting free food and rent… Don’t take advantage of the shelter freebies. Don’t write your name on something the shelter provided for all of the residents to share, help keep the place clean, tidy and request only a few cheap / inexpensive items to compliment your Food Stamps. Do not horde the free items so you can stock pile the food pantry when you move out and into your own place. That’s simply wrong.

Mind Your Own Business - You are here to help yourself not police others to act the way you believe they should act and or do the things you believe they should do. If you have a safety concern, inform the staff. They staff will make a decision. If they decide that your concern is not / will not endanger you or others accept it. You don’t get your way simply because you complained about it.

People Are Different -  If you don’t understand it than tolerate it. Tolerate that they are different and let them be. You don’t have to accept that they are different from you only let them live there with you without your comments, bitching, complaints or stressful nagging that they should try it your way…even after they have and still do not agree with you. Leave people alone that you don’t like.

Think first, act second -  If you’re confused about this, ask a shelter staff attendant.

What is it?

I'm wondering if the unsecured network I'm using is not just one from a local resident (or business) but one directly connected to the shelter. I wouldn’t be surprised. With my barely entry level limited knowledge of networking it is possible to view where computers go (online)…hence if the network I’m using is theirs they could indeed see my blog.

Let me clarify what this blog is.

It’s a place for me to rant, rave, think and just "talk." It's much like a journal but it's a blog. I know anyone can read it if they find it.

I would never be this honest in a blog where my name is publicly displayed. So yes, I'm pretty much saying (writing) almost anything I'm thinking or feeling. I'm not making it up nor am I adding to it as any good story teller does. In fact I'm leaving out some bits because it's either irrelevant or not worth mentioning. Why? Because it's either too boring to even write about or it's trivial and would look worse on me for going on and on about just how much she annoys me. Plus, I'm done. She is truly her own worst enemy and nothing I could say could match the harm she is doing to herself...and no I don't want her to be harmed. I want her to wallflower exist until at least I’m out of here.


I genuinely do feel bad for the shelter who cannot morally tell her to find a transitional housing program (move out.) She is damaged physically, emotionally and mentally. But that does not mean she has a right or a defense for causing me or any other resident stress. Obviously I can be selfish and yes I am indeed being selfish now. I have less than one week left here and I do not want to push the shelter in allowing me extra time. I want to move out, move on and move forward. I want the best possible transitional program I can get accepted into. I have not so typical goals (not dreams) that I want and in order to accomplish those goals I have to be 100% self-sufficient. So am I being a bit selfish? Absolutely.


Being any kind of staff member of a shelter is stressful. Just try to imagine having a minimum of five women coming to you constantly, asking for something or pouring out their daily stress. This zaps a lot of energy from people. The women who work here do try hard and do a lot to not only do their job but really care. I believe that even my Case Manager cares and does not intentionally mean to not help me. In fact I believes she  thinks she is doing what is best but doesn’t understand that by doing nothing she is doing negative. I don’t know. No one can really know all the circumstances that influence someone to chose or not chose choices in their daily lives. Then again she is only now showing that maybe she did listen to what I said and sees that even though I am tech / research capable I cant do it all.

SO

Do I have some grievances? Of course. Can I completely blame the staff for things that happen between residents? No, they can only do so much. Whenever you have a group of people from various backgrounds and experiences, the dynamics are bound to sway negatively at least once in a while.

On the other hand I'm upset that it seems no one here seems to understand why I don't want to take even a minimal chance in running into my ex or my ex seeing me on the street. The Metrolink station stop location is at the interception of the highway exit he exits from to go to the office. No one here (staff) has ever asked me what happened. No one knows how he attacked me, why he attacked or even if there is a chance he would again if he saw me...never been asked "is he dangerous? I mean... is this a domestic violence shelter or a "I had an argument with my boyfriend and I don't want to live with him anymore" shelter?

They never stop coming...

Anther new addition to the house
Another woman
Another story
Another victim
Another beginning for someone new

Why?


Why do we do it? Why do we stay until it's too late?
Why do we chose them?
Why do we have babies with them?
Why do we stare at the new person wondering what her story is?

We already know what it is.

No suitcase
No jacket
Just a baby carrier and (now) a single mom in pajamas.

Tonight the woman are as different as a Farmer's Market - what you would expect...and yet it never is.

***************************

Rain - Patty Griffin

Strange how hard it rains now

Rows and rows of big dark clouds

When I'm still alive underneath this shroud

Rain Rain Rain 

Sink or Swim

The Beautiful People

Knowing I have two distinctively different choices that each present just enough to get started, how do you choose? Each location will be difficult offering something the other doesn’t but not offering something the other does not. For me the key difference so far is jobs. Can I and will I get a job in that location? This situation is causing me stress and the sooner it's over, I choose, a choice is made for me - the sooner I can leave this situation and begin a new one… start building something.

Calm down, my heart - don't beat so fast

Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime

I keep coming back to Los Angeles because at least it is in the general area of where I can pursue long term goals. I want to be part of genuine communal living community. A place where everyone in the house took part of the long application process to be part of something they understand is a hive way of living.

There are very few diverse opportunities available in this area or the surrounding rural areas. Though I love the peacefulness of the smaller areas, my spirit races with the diversity of city life. Then again I feel like I'm in rehab and I can't help but wonder if an addict (of negative people) such as myself should so quickly throw herself in to that which put her in this situation... sink or swim?

Can I handle it this time?
Am I ready?
Do I even want to?

Build the foundation that is the key. Build the foundation and the rest (of my goals and desires) will be easier to obtain.


I'm discovering that there is another staff member (Case Manager?) who appears to really want to help me. Maybe because I'm hiding between my earphones now. But she made a pont to come see from at the kitchen table first before even checking into the office.

Asking me how my job hunt was going, if I needed anything from the shelter storage and how I was. I'm tired of wearing my mask so I told her the truth - I wish I had a different Case Manager. Maybe not the smartest move but I'm too tire to lie / be politically nice.

She says she'll look for jobs for me as well and we discussed why I'm having such a hard time landing an interview. My qualifications are getting old, I can't use a couple of my online network websites (because of my ex) and I'm not able to update my skills with college / training.

Sometimes just listening - genuinely caring is enough.

of the House

Drama Drama Drama 

Trauma Queen has been able to convince at least one person that she is the continued victim and is being unfairly targeted for all sorts of meanness. Her Case Manager is also my Case Manager. Case Manager spends so much time attending to Trauma Queen that maybe she has voluntarily given in and chooses to believe her because it’s easier than seeing through the BS and seeing the truth.


My Case Manager asked me how I was and instead of gifting her with a Trauma Queen expected response I told her the antibiotics were working. I’m sure that is not what she was expecting as she stopped texting on her cell phone and looked up at me with a question in her expression that translated into “is that all?” I didn’t add anything to my answer other than to say I was there to take my medicine.

The three transitional programs I called that I know for a fact have an opening…. I was told by my so called Case Manager, that they no longer had an opening. I plan to call first thing Monday morning and again talk to these three shelters and write down the name of the person I speak to and give those names to my so called Case Manager with a request to call that day… subtly telling the program manager I have found openings.

...and it continues...

Trauma Queen is missing her disgusting soap that has sat in the bathroom shower for at least a month and is now missing. I’m sure it was thrown away as it looked too gross for anyone to want to use. I went into the kitchen where my roommate told me of the newest Trauma Queen Enemy of the House – her. TQ asked if she knew what happened to her soap and my roommate responded she had no idea…

TQ said “I knew you would say that,” and stalked off.

{sigh}

My roommate and I talk about real life issues and unfortunately this has become one of them. I reminded her that her only concern is her and her children. Nothing else matters but providing for them and herself. Just as nothing else matters for me except getting myself back to an acceptable living level of happiness - providing for myself.

She made a statement that I can’t help but sadly agree with and relate to. When you have people like Trauma Queen in the world you can’t help but question whether or not you even want to try to get to know people. However, I pointed out that I can provide an admirable example of why it is worth it. I pointed out the differences between her and myself and stated that even with our differences we get along wonderfully.

“Thats why it’s worth getting to know new people.”

Mint Chip or Mint Chocolate Cookie

Two decisions by any other name is still a choice.

SOCAL covers Orange County to Los Angeles County to Ventura County. Where I’m located is pretty nice but also pretty small. One of the big stress factors for me has been medical care and employment. Medical is now taken care of but employment is uncertain…as it is for thousands of others.

Last night I lost my temper and said exactly what I felt and that may have been a mistake - maybe not.

The stress of the uncertain is weighing on me. Do I go to a shelter in the heart of Los Angeles or do I stay in the general area of where I am? Both areas have their plus and minus features. Where one is quite lovely the other is not. Where one area is ugly it potentially offers more job opening possibilities where the other does not. One is much slower than the other. But the fast pace of the other offers a diversity of possibilities in all areas of life including education. The slower is more relaxed, lived in and comfortable while the other is “be aware and don’t travel down alleyways” cautious.

My personality - hobbies, interests, things that make me smile, keep me interested, make me feel alive... they're all things that rarely exist in just one person. I temporarily feel comfortable in both worlds of sleepy town and fast city life. So how do you choose when you feel so different from everyone else? When you know in a few years you'll be be bored again. I think that is where part of my problem lies. I need to fill all of the interest beakers, balance them on a solid foundation, be true to myself and provide the financial necessaries of being physically me.


Where will I get a job? I don’t know and I don’t know what to do. In the end it is a choice. Two choices where one is no better than the other because it is only a choice. Once you have made it, it’s yours to do with what you can or willing to do with it. I just do not know what I want to do and that in and of its self is stressful.

Everything is OK

Even if it’s not.

24 hours and not the former television show, can produce a lot of blog material. Yesterday late afternoon Trauma Queen fainted again. I thoroughly felt bad for her as I was the one who caught her mid faint and carried her down to the floor…and received a nasty scratch and bruise for my efforts.

I stayed with her performing semi basic paramedic responses – wiggle fingers & toes and take deep breathe. She was out for a short time but kept my voice going while she was out and until the paramedics wheeled her away. The on duty attendee was a bit shaken but handled it well while I kept TQ calm, focused and breathing. This I thought was proof that maybe she wasn’t entirely faking.

I sometimes wonder if there is a part of me that has died. I was completely calm and non reactive during the entire ordeal. It never even crossed my mind to freak out. It was if I was doing something I have done a thousand times before. It actually worries me a little that not an ounce of me was worried or freaked out.

Much later that night in the wee hours of the morning TQ was released and came home. Her arrival wasn’t what I would have expected. For starters I thought with a concussion the hospital would keep her overnight. Second she was pretty lively for someone who has fallen and fainted three separate times in less than a week.

Moving on…

The next morning it was my turn for a visit to the hospital. Not a trip I was looking forward to but a necessary “I need my medicine” visit. However the visit turned out to be more productive then I was expecting. Turns out the hospital has a program for people who have zero income. Furthermore people in shelters get same day temporary approval. So I didn’t have to wait (suffer) without my medicine for days. This has been one of my top three major concerns recently – housing, jobs & how I would get my medicine that keeps me alive.

But before I found out about the program I couldn’t help but start down the same old corridor to insanity way of thinking. What if they don’t provide my medicine? What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to live without it? As always when I let myself slip into that kind of thinking depression quickly slips in… and thoughts of wondering if I would truly be better off dead than constantly fighting to live. Truth is I wish I could. But I have some kind of element inside me that is a survivor and won’t allow me to give up or genuinely kill myself. I’ve tried unsuccessfully and failed without even the decently of the necessity for an ER visit, so suicide is not an option.

But that is neither here or there because the program was introduced to me. But as I always do I think too much and these days have not changed that.

I’m tired of pretending that everything is A OK – it’s not. I’m tired of putting on a happy face whenever I feel people expect it from me. Tired of being the positive one, finding the information needed, being strong and not weak. Even though I know I would hate it, I wish I could be the whiner, the one who needs lots of attentions and help to do everything.

I know that is not who I am but sometimes I just wish it could be.