No Title Can Explain This

I’ve been thankfully very busy the last couple of weeks. Mostly because I can’t stand being at the DV Shelter…yes I am still there. I refuse to give up. I deserve the same services as any other Hispanic woman and I’m not giving up.

In the time since I last wrote

• One non Hispanic women leave (and go back to her husband) because of the bullying from the one resident.
• Lost our heater in our apartment (Non-Hispanics are not housed in the same place as the Hispanic women.) Only got the actual heater fixed because we complained so much.
• One of my roommates left for anther shelter because she couldn’t take it & went to a different DV shelter.
• Anther of my roommates was falsely accused of making threats against the bully
• Didn’t have a bathroom of our own for three days

…and I had to sit outside in the freezing cold at night at a fast food joint near my day job to work (2nd virtual job.) I was told that if the mom wants to let her child be destructive and offensive to the other residents that is her right and only the residents can ask her to allow it. But then when my roommate did she was accused of threatening her.

The good news is that the bully is gone. The sad news is that the new resident is drinking Vodka in her room…she’s Hispanic so it’s ok.

She’s young, drinks, and barely pays attention to her toddler; treats her more like a toy than a child. Plus she talks and texts with some guy and the very next day she came to the shelter she told this guy where she lived. All the things we were told would get us kicked out…she’s still here.

I’m being stubborn. No non-Hispanic woman has ever gone to transitional housing from here since I’ve been here – none. We deserve the same services as they do. My roommate left because they wouldn’t help her find transitional housing that wasn’t really just a homeless shelter. They tried that one on me as well. Thankfully one was too far to get to work and the other was too close to my ex.

My latest roommate now also sees what is really going on. She didn’t really believe what our (previous) roommate and I told her when we advised that she be her own case manager and find help herself, now she does. She’s working with an outside agency that is working with her to move her forward.

What am I going to do? I don’t know. I just started working both jobs and I have lousy credit. I have a cell phone to pay and I need a new laptop (I really do.) Should I just quit and move to a different city and start all over at a different DV Shelter? Not what I really want to do but I don’t know. This place is wearing me down.

It’s War

I just started a war.

Tonight I was pushed too far. After all of the non Hispanic woman complained and those complaints have continually been ignored it got worse. We were told that we are the residents it’s our job to figure it ourselves. However we have tried that and even though the problems have escalated the staff will not step in. I am now forced to go to a public café, spend money I shouldn’t just so I can earn a little extra money online (now only $2 at most after buying a coffee and website service fees for the contract work I do.) So a $4 job which is a lot less than half the normal rate for what I do for an hour (not cyber sex) is now only $1 or $2 depending if I have to take a bus there and how much a coffee or soda costs. In addition it’s now freezing. I have no money for a winter jacket but oh well. If I want to make that $1 or $2 an hour as well as continue to push my career further that is what I have to do.

The Hispanic women are hording food in their rooms and so today I made myself five sandwiches so that I could at least have one sandwich a day for lunch…but I’m lectured about it even though all of the non-Hispanic women have complained about the food hording and food wasted by them and their children for at least a week.

I’m forced out of the house and into the cold and I’m expected to do an equal share and more so of the chores. I told her no. I said I would clean up after myself but that’s it. I said it is not fair that I’m being told to deal with it and that’s that. "It's a shelter and you have to make sacrifices." But the Hispanic women don't? So it's ok that they are screaming, kicking, throwing, punching, defacing the property, refusing to allow the other residents to watch tv, waste food and horde food and making it impossible for all the other residents to be in the same room with them...what sacrifices are they making?

If I don’t have an equal share of the house common areas, or the food and if my comfort level does not matter and if I have to spend extra money just to work and suffer the cold because of it than I will not share equal duty in caring for it. Especially when in the past I have gone above and beyond in volunteering to help out with computer issues, extra chores and have even bought and donated items to the house because it was needed.

Angry? You betcha.

Tonight I looked up the program director and emailed her. There was a limit of characters and so I wrote that there were serious issues being ignored and in my opinion there was racial favoritisms happening – with my phone number. Will I get kicked out? Yea, probably. I can’t possibly imagine not being kicked out after that email. But enough is enough and someone has to say something…why me? Because I’m a fucking martyr. I may come out of the internet closet after all… I’ll contact some newspaper journalists if I’m kicked out.

Assumptions

When we first met, I didn't assume you were the maid simply because your Hispanic. So don't assume because I don't have a child to care for that I will and should clean up after you and your child. 



Annoyed

I continued to be amazed that some women who come to DV Shelters do not understand that they should clean up not only after themselves but share in the responsibilities of caring for the place that is providing FREE housing, utilities and food. Is it really too much to ask that you mop at least every other day? Or wipe down the counter and tables?

I really honestly don't care that your husband that you left because he was abusive is a doctor. You didn't bring a maid with you so learn to clean up and take a fair share.

:/

Denise The Menace

I never thought I would say this but... I prefer the rowdy monster playground / house crawling, beat each other up brothers to the current 6 year old Latina Dennis the Menace.

Her mother literally hand feeds the girl. She's six years old!?
Her rubber ball? Rubber balls are not suppose to make noise but she can make them sound off by bouncing it loudly... in the house, on the stairs, against the walls. Was Alice Mitchell  the Alice from Go Ask Alice? I know I could be after a few weeks of this. Oh wait, I'm the grumpy Mr (Miss) Wilson.  

On The Upswing

The needle looks like it’s moving towards the drama red section again. Two residents moved out but the very young woman with three kids won’t be leaving until tomorrow. Generally she’s pretty nice as a person but on average way too laissez-faire about parenting / watching her two youngest “rambunctious” kids. I’m honestly surprised one or both hasn't been rushed to the ER yet for a head injury or even a broken bone. They genuinely run amok and literally all over the house. They are kids and they will do what they do until they truly understand it’s not ok…and if they’re not told it’s not ok they’ll keep doing it until they’re rushed to the ER and figure out that what they did was painful.

On a only slightly different note…

I understand I'm sharing the same space with the kids but I feel that does not grant me or place on me some minimal amount of child responsibility simple because my physical preference is there. Yes I will and do say something when I see them just about to do something that can and probably will lead to an ER visit; such as trying to skateboard down the metal slide. Or climbing up the side of the house while his brother tries to add and remove rocks from his pockets… yea… that's when I will say something. But if your child is rocking back on forth on a chair the end result can only have two outcomes. Eventual boredom or falling back and knocking his head on the wall behind him. Guess which one happened?

I was distracted on my computer in my continued pursue of never being in this situation again. If he was my child, yes of course I would have paid better attention to him, but he’s not.

“Please don’t expect me to watch him simply because I’m at the same table as him. Also, if he’s up and around and climbing the counter for some fruit and you’re still sleeping, please don’t get mad at me for getting it for him. If he’s hungry in the morning and you’re not around I will provide him something healthy to eat until you wake up and fix him breakfast.”

She leaves tomorrow for a transitional housing. One I would really like to have. I cannot help but be jealous and mildly annoyed. She has no intention of getting a job and can’t get a job because she is here illegally and so far has shown no intention to become legal but is receiving CalWorks. I spend almost every single day self-studying and looking for a job. She’s a very nice person but I cannot help but think it’s unfair that she is receiving resources that she may never pay back or contribute to the system that supplies her food and money. Yet I’m selling the last of my valuable possessions simply so I can buy a bus pass to continue to go to job interviews.

General Relief – You don’t get your actual appointment with a Grow Worker for a minimum of 3 weeks which means you can’t get bus transportation assistance until week 3 and that is only AFTER you attend Orientation which can take up to 2 weeks to schedule…OH and your worker can decide not to give you bus tokens until you start attending the Grow Job Club which on average takes up to two months to get into. SO 13 weeks just to receive assistance to get a job while you the recipient receive a whole whopping $160 to $220 a month. Ok… feeling jaded, must stop that.

To end this on a happier note…

I have two major job interviews next week. Both of which are not just bring your resume and look and sound professional. I have to print an application for one, my resume, references ect… on nice paper and place inside a nice professional folder and get to the interview and back = $$

Oh wait where’s the happy? I have two interviews with two very good companies. One is only seasonal but there is always a chance of permanent position being offered. For the other one I hard core professionally sold myself and have a pretty good chance at. I'm meeting with the partners some time this week. So the happy is that I’m employable with good skills.

Wish List

Did I include my own place?

One of the residents has two kids who are loud, messy, and obnious. I have never said anything because hey... they're kids and why bother. The one time I watch my tv show and actually laugh I'm asked to be quite. Serisously? It wasn't even 8 pm :/

Uggg

Things You Should Know

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not as a shelter resident. Do people forget, never learned them or simply don't care? If the last is the case, why should those who manage the shelters care about the residents?

I don’t know why the little house / shelter resident things are bothering me today but they are. These are things I have seen at the other DV Shelter as well and now seeing them here. Statistically the residents are different. Is age and culture the difference? Maybe so. How or why do some people forget what environments they came from after a few days to a week and try to enforce their way of living on others... isn't that what we DV woman left?

Consider this
 If it is not ok for us to be made to feel and or physically made to do things our now ex partners wanted us to do, why would it be ok to try to force anther resident to act or to do things we want them to do against their will / preference?

This list of should but don’t know things should be obvious to everyone, but it’s not. Is it because we don’t own this place? It’s not ours; we don’t pay money (rent) to be here so we do not feel obligated to care for it while here? It’s annoying. It’s really annoying that we’re given a free place to sleep, free food to eat, free beverages, free utilities and even free clothing when available and all of this does not include the free resources were given such as free medical care and often step in much quicker than those calling in for an appointment that do not live in a shelter. Uggg I thought my time at the beach resolved some of this but apparently I need an extra dose.

SO

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not in shelters.

Close the door - The house has two doors, a security screen door and a standard door – close one of them. Flies suck and they’re annoying when they buzz around your food plate when your trying to eat. Plus we have fruits and vegetables on the counter and California has fruit flies – they’re dangerous. Shut at least one of the doors.

Bathroom Privacy - If the bathroom door is shut, knock first, wait to see if someone answers and than wait if you hear someone say they’re in there. DON'T try the door yourself to see if your kid was just making it up. When someone says several times, “Just a moment”, that means give that person a moment to finish their ‘business’ before entering the bathroom.

Dirty Hands - Washing your hands really is a necessity after using the bathroom, especially and specifically for children. They should absolutely be washing their hands after using the bathroom each and every time. I can plainly see what the kids are doing and its worrisome what I can’t see them doing and than wanting to grab and play with me (as all kids like to do with adults who are not their parents) knowing / suspecting their hands haven’t been washed since their bath the night before – GROSS!

Rocks Are Not Toys - Throwing rocks inside the house is not a good idea. Throwing rocks at your brother /sister is really NOT a good idea. I can remain silent on a lot of things but that is not one of them. If you breed them, care for them.

Priorities - Your kids are more important than your makeup and or dying your hair.

Eating Habits - Kids really do need fresh vegetables. Canned dinners and frozen cartoon chicken nuggets is ok occasionally but seriously… the stuff that grows from the ground isn’t (shouldn’t be) optional eating choices.

The shelter took you in because you said you were being abused physically, mentally and or emotionally. That means you have a choice between getting your little life luxuries and continuing to be a victim or being in a safe place with generic items and an opportunity to make your life better so that later on you can afford to have your luxuries without the abusive spouse / partner…which one is more important?

Free doesn't mean you get to abuse it 


If you’re getting things for free appreciate them and don’t bitch about the things you’re not getting. The shelter only offers the 99 cents store type shampoo and conditioner instead of the $5 to $9 shampoo and conditioner – wah. Its free deal with it.

Think about other people than yourself  - You’re not paying rent, utilities, food and referred to medical care when needed as well as encouraged to apply to CalWorks or GR…this means you’re getting money and Food Stamps on top of getting free food and rent… Don’t take advantage of the shelter freebies. Don’t write your name on something the shelter provided for all of the residents to share, help keep the place clean, tidy and request only a few cheap / inexpensive items to compliment your Food Stamps. Do not horde the free items so you can stock pile the food pantry when you move out and into your own place. That’s simply wrong.

Mind Your Own Business - You are here to help yourself not police others to act the way you believe they should act and or do the things you believe they should do. If you have a safety concern, inform the staff. They staff will make a decision. If they decide that your concern is not / will not endanger you or others accept it. You don’t get your way simply because you complained about it.

People Are Different -  If you don’t understand it than tolerate it. Tolerate that they are different and let them be. You don’t have to accept that they are different from you only let them live there with you without your comments, bitching, complaints or stressful nagging that they should try it your way…even after they have and still do not agree with you. Leave people alone that you don’t like.

Think first, act second -  If you’re confused about this, ask a shelter staff attendant.

Apocalypse

The seven eight signs of the apocalypse.

There are eight... Special K was nice to me by complimenting me. That has got to be a sign of apocalypse. Maybe she came down from whatever it is she is or has but the day before yesterday she wished me good luck on my interview....and meant it. Then she walked out and never came back to the shelter. Didn’t bother to tell the staff where she was going or even calling to say she was leaving. They had no idea where she was or if she was even dead. She finally called today to get her belongings. No thank you for housing me or feeding me, just I want my stuff back.

The second interview went great and I’m scheduled for a third on Monday. Now the big worry is where I will live. It’s in another county and I know that both the homeless shelters and transitional housing programs are full. I spent today emailing churches and community resources. Two got back to me so far. Unfortunately one doesn't open their shelter until December. But the other asked me for my resume as proof I'm real and not some scammer. Plus my case manager (much better one this time) is planning to talk to me Tuesday. This way I'll know or hopefully I will know better if this job really is going to happen.

I called my first DV roommate a few days ago and she emailed me tonight. She's not made at me for flaking out. I was worried she would be disappointed or something or figure that I wasn't worth the time if I couldn't get it right the first time (for her knowing me.) And I will get it right this time. We're going to try to meet for lunch come Monday.

I did terrible at my last interview for a different company. I was over confident and under prepared. Uggg, won't let that happen again.

My current roommate is going back home to her original home state. I'm pretty glad she’s going. I had a lot of fun with her last weekend but she become a mooch, always asking me to buy her this or that. Not interested in being anyone's proxy boyfriend. Especially to one who wants nothing but luxury items and doesn't even appreciate the things she's given by the shelter. She actually threw away some extremely nice clothing because she couldn't fit it in her backpack. I savaged them because I know there will be another woman who will need them after she leaves. Plus, she's a hidden slob. She throws food under tables or chairs and leaves them there. Yuck!

As of 9 pm tonight, I have a casual weekend and a room all to myself...ahhhhh. I plan to enjoy it while I can.

Nit-Picking

She hasn't been here even 24 hours and she's driving me batty. Complaining about everything the DV Shelter doesn't have, provide or offer and refuses to even hear out a different opinion then her's. Now she's blaming the DV Shelter for not having a dryer with proper drying settings which shrank her clothes. I finally made a sarcastic reply and said matter-of-factly "I'm just glad I'm not still getting beat up."  Of course this annoyed her because she simply wanted to know if I knew how to set a non setting drying machine.

Of course all of it is rubbing me the wrong way. (from a previous post)

"The DV Staff have been saints to me. They scheduled me to see a real doctor who actually cares (female) and not only gave me medication for the {back} pain but referred me to a different hospital for x-rays, counseling and physical therapy. If it wasn’t for them I honestly believe I would have been thrown out on the street by Homeless Hating Hospital and left for the street vultures." 

In addition my former roommate who is from the Middle East made me aware of one very important difference. In her country your choices for domestic violence is stay and put up with it or live in the streets. In America, we have choices. Even if the choice doesn't include my own room, a closet full of my clothes or new clothes and even if it lacks some much appreciated furnishing (such as a garbage can in the bathroom), it is a solid roof over my head in a good area, groceries to keep me fed and everything is free including violence free living. So nitpicking / complaining about the little things gets on my nerves.

"If you don't like it, go back to your abusive partner."

Into The Skid

Skid Row, here I come.

Well………

Trauma Queen was kicked out while I was gone and took with her most of my socks, two of my bras, some of my quality makeup and all of my personal hygiene items. :/
Thankfully the shelter I’m at now replaced some of the items :)


After a lot of consideration, deep thinking and making a list of strengths, features, negatives, goals and wants I was offered and accepted the transitional housing program in Skid Row. It offers the best chance for me to get back on my feet and a chance for a life three times better then it was before. I’m only publishing it because, well, this should be interesting.

I leave this afternoon.

BUSTED

Fool me once but you won't fool me trice.

Trauma Queen got back from the hospital again and verbally attacked again...my roommate this time. Except this time I was ready. I recorded her. After I started the recording I went to the staff on duty. One which was her Case Manager, and told both atendees "we have a situation happening."


I than gave a copy to the staff.


I have no doubt that our Case Manager let her know I recorded her - good.

Determination is EVERYTHING

It may be hard, but obstacles can be shoved out of the way.

I have been asking repeatedly for my "Case Manager" to call transitional housing programs in Los Angeles. Each time I'm told its not available for one reason or anther. I don't think the shelter I'm at wants to refer me to Los Angeles shelters. I've asked and asked and then I'm pressured to the X shelters where I haven't even be sniffed at by employers locally. Well I have a job interview tomorrow in Los Angeles. I told my "Case Manager" and was given a slightly dirty look when I made it subtly clear that if I was hired I would not give it up...that any transnational housing program I go to will have to be willing to help me with transportation to the job. Even if it is only until my first check.


Yes, I am being stubborn and selfish. Locally, I have filled out much more then a dozen paper and electronic job applications for jobs that no one over 25 should be applying for. I have sent more then 40 resumes this month alone for jobs. Not a single local employer has emailed or called me. I've placed resume website ads, I scan all the major job websites, use business network websites and I've applied to the county government job program. Yes, I would / will probably be approved. But even that program would not supply a potential job or job leads for at least three weeks. Even then there is no guarantee I would make more then minimum wage in a job that would actually help me advance back into a career and not just a means of existing. I've sent resumes throughout the Los Angeles area and have received a couple of emails, a couple of calls and now an interview. What would you do?


I even let my roommate convince me that the transitional housing program she will probably go to should be considered by me... the transitional housing program that I said is too close to my ex. I said I would consider it as long as I was not required to apply to jobs within five miles of his work. After pressuring me to go there, they now seem unwilling to refer me - WTF?! Because my roommate is going there? Are they now trying to pressure Trauma Queen out of the shelter and onto them to deal with? The transitional housing program is very work mandatory based. She doesn't want a job - I DO!


I understand that it is not the shelter's job to supply me with anything more then a route away from my abusive ex. I understand that they're only requirement is to help me locate the next step - a transitional housing program...and that is all. I get it.  It is my job and only my responsibility to provide anything and everything else beyond that. But why would I step out of the gutter just to step into a path that won't help me nearly as much as another that is only slightly harder to reach?


They are now back to pressuring me again to go to a shelter further away from where the jobs are and are very strict due to drug addicts they give shelter to. I'M NOT A ADDICT ...and I should not be treated like one because they give shelter to drug addicts. That is why I didn't want to go to that shelter. I want a job that can help me secure a future. Is that too much to ask for? Do these agencies get bonus points for keeping shelter residents local? I don't care! I want what is best for me and if that means I cannot be tracked as a statistic that is just too damn bad.


My roommate is loaning me the money for the Metrolink fare so I can go to my interview. AND I finally secured an appt with the transnational housing program that has (I believe) great transitional housing programs and resources. I had to leave several messages and my last one practicably begging for an appointment because I have an interview nearby...but I got it. 

HA!


... and one of the LA transnational housing program shelters (which I won't name publicly) is a $*@!ing joke! Before they allow you into their shelter you have to have 90 days of employment.  Emergency shelters are only 30 days maximum length...If your homeless, chances are you don't have a $*@!ing job!

By reason of being a Trauma Queen

Because she is a basket case I’m the one being told to back off (even though I already have) and be a bigger person? I’m really sick of being a bigger person and told “just in case, don’t say or respond to anything Trauma Queen says.”  Why should I be the one to step back even farther when I am not even saying anything to her now?

So if she comes up to me? I am to back down even more?
If she says anything to me I am to continue NOT saying anything to her?
Gee… if she comes at me with a knife is it ok to defend myself or should I just let the crazy bitch stab me to prove I’m the bigger person?

Waiting for my slow ass internet connection to connect to my Blogger account - 30 minutes later… waiting for the shower anyways.


The new woman is annoyed already with her new accommodations – namely Trauma Queen as a roommate. She wants to put the few belongs she now has away in drawers and hang up in the closet and Trauma Queen is sleeping. Probably shouldn’t have but I warned her that she should probably just get dressed because her roommate sleeps until the afternoon.


Trauma Queen really annoys me. I don’t ask for much and in fact have asked for only three things since I have been here. Bus tokens for job hunting, personal hygiene / personal items and for my case manager to make calls on my behalf when I cannot.

Trauma Queen on the other hand constantly asks (whines) for help every single day.
Will you please vacuum my room?
Make me a grilled sandwich
Can you help me find an X
Can I have X from the pantry (almost a daily need from there.)

I feel lonely, sad, mad, glad or any other trauma / drama feely word and spends at least thrifty minutes talking about why the color yellow makes her feel sad…

WTF!?

I’m getting frustrated and pissed off because I’m working my ass off trying to get me out of this place and take a step towards a better future for me and I feel like I’m being made to feel like I’m doing something wrong. GEE , maybe this is the reason DV women start doing drugs!

Balls To The Wall

That’s the saying

...that is what my social worker friend tells me I must do and I did. My “Case Manager” started pushing me to yet again consider and go to the transitional housing program that is five miles from where my abusive ex boyfriend occasionally works. I was shocked and even angry as was evident as my voice speed increased. But I kept my balls to the wall and insisted that if he saw me on the street in the area he was not going to be safe and happy to see me. I saw and heard that I got my point across as she sighed heavily and then proceeded to give me a live in housing exchange. I thought wow… maybe she was really going to give me something of value – no. The live in exchange is in the rural redwood forests.

How the bloody &*$! am I to get a job in a rural area when I cannot even get one in an area with more than five hundred thousand people? I said I would think about it and I did; angrily. Then I calmed down and went back to her, stood my ground and said (paraphrasing)

The reason I want to go to X is because it has a wonderful program that truly helps everyone in the program. It has employment assistance, new training skills, medical, housing assistance and support, support groups and counseling. I don’t just need someone to help me get a job and a new apartment or even a shared apartment. I need someone to help me help myself. I keep making the same abusive choices again and again and I need to stop it. I need support and a mentor type person to help me stay on the right path and stay away from negative people and abusive men. I can’t get that at a homeless shelter or a rural location. X or even X offers everything I need to help me help myself…otherwise I’m just going to end up back at another domestic violence shelter again in a couple of years.

I think this time she heard me… I think this time she listened.

She may be trying to push me out for Trauma Queen's sake but I don't care. Trauma Queen is not my concern and I will not allow her to get in my way. After I finished, she said the program sounded like a good program and she picked up the phone to call the transitional housing program.

Push the limit, go all out, full speed ahead - "Balls to the wall"

I think that my roommate wishes I would go to the same transitional housing program as her... I actually wish I could. But it's the one that is way too close to my ex. We get along well and her kids listen to me. They're not use to listening to mom as a diplinary figure as dad made them afraid to do any wrong and mom was a protector not a defender. 

I do wish I could.... but as much as I care about her and wish her well I have to be selfish in this. 

of the House

Drama Drama Drama 

Trauma Queen has been able to convince at least one person that she is the continued victim and is being unfairly targeted for all sorts of meanness. Her Case Manager is also my Case Manager. Case Manager spends so much time attending to Trauma Queen that maybe she has voluntarily given in and chooses to believe her because it’s easier than seeing through the BS and seeing the truth.


My Case Manager asked me how I was and instead of gifting her with a Trauma Queen expected response I told her the antibiotics were working. I’m sure that is not what she was expecting as she stopped texting on her cell phone and looked up at me with a question in her expression that translated into “is that all?” I didn’t add anything to my answer other than to say I was there to take my medicine.

The three transitional programs I called that I know for a fact have an opening…. I was told by my so called Case Manager, that they no longer had an opening. I plan to call first thing Monday morning and again talk to these three shelters and write down the name of the person I speak to and give those names to my so called Case Manager with a request to call that day… subtly telling the program manager I have found openings.

...and it continues...

Trauma Queen is missing her disgusting soap that has sat in the bathroom shower for at least a month and is now missing. I’m sure it was thrown away as it looked too gross for anyone to want to use. I went into the kitchen where my roommate told me of the newest Trauma Queen Enemy of the House – her. TQ asked if she knew what happened to her soap and my roommate responded she had no idea…

TQ said “I knew you would say that,” and stalked off.

{sigh}

My roommate and I talk about real life issues and unfortunately this has become one of them. I reminded her that her only concern is her and her children. Nothing else matters but providing for them and herself. Just as nothing else matters for me except getting myself back to an acceptable living level of happiness - providing for myself.

She made a statement that I can’t help but sadly agree with and relate to. When you have people like Trauma Queen in the world you can’t help but question whether or not you even want to try to get to know people. However, I pointed out that I can provide an admirable example of why it is worth it. I pointed out the differences between her and myself and stated that even with our differences we get along wonderfully.

“Thats why it’s worth getting to know new people.”

For better or for worse

Some of the old sayings are true.

You know the old saying 'will only get worse before it gets better.' That one is true.
How about 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'
Maybe that one was born from the first one.



Maybe I attract it. Maybe I am simply a doormat with pop up steel teeth. Maybe it’s just the people themselves that I put myself around and find myself socializing with. Either way I’m tired of it and I’m tired of being the ‘better person.’


After nine pm at night all chores are expected to be done and the house clean and tidy as if the house was available for an Open House. More than three hours prior to this Trauma Queen had left her half eaten grilled cheese sandwich on the table along with a empty bowl of soup and a finished cup of coffee. All this I threw away. If she left it on the table prior to leaving she did not want it. Trauma Queen – a very much well earned title by now, was looking for someone to shoot her anger at after being at the hospital, again. I as I almost always am was at the kitchen table on my laptop. I should have heard the spooky monster hunting theme music the moment she stepped through the front door.


To make a long tirade short she went on and on about her thrown away grilled cheese sandwich and how violated she was - I admitted I threw away her stupid sandwich. When I ignored her hissy fit she stirred in a bit of drama to the trauma by saying that I told her a staff member told me to do it and lying her – why? Why in the world would anyone lie about something so trivial and why in the world would anyone make such a big deal over a grilled cheese sandwich?


One thing led to another and into the 15 minute loud rant I had enough and went to the attendee present. I honestly told her that after the day I had and a week of having to listen to her rant on and on I was not capable of putting up with any more of her drama. The attendee really should have listened to me.


The “House Meeting” was nothing more than the next episode of The Trauma Queen Bitching Hour.” Guest Staring ME – resident quite girl, closet bitch. Ten minutes into her rant and raving about me, calling me a liar, how she wouldn’t stand for it and how despicable I was I spoke up and verbally defended myself. I called her on each of her own lies about each and every resident, her drama and did so with everyone present. Then I let her verbally hang herself with her own words as she continued for more than twenty minutes to contradict herself.


No one but me went to bed immediately following the disastrous “House Meeting.” I don’t care what was said about me or even for me. I gave Trauma Queen a road to someone she could tell her two-faced lying secrets to and then deny she said any of them by accusing me as a liar. I let these people get too close to me. I am on my own and it is up to me to secure my own future. For the potential exception of my roommate I have no intension whatsoever to keep in contact with any of them.



Maybe a bit of fire is what I needed. Even though I still feel sick and a bit weak from an infection that I’m told could have easily turned into bronchitis, I went to the Job Center to apply for a government sponsored paid internship program… also sent some more resumes.

What is next? Will one of us be told to leave? I don't know. Due to Trauma Queen’s rash of injuries I find it very unlikely that they would send her somewhere else. This means me being the most easily place able, workable and self-sufficient would be the one to leave. For better or for worse - I’m outta here; it’s only a matter of when.


***************************

A favorite group of musicians I listen to when I'm in one of those moods.

Apocalyptica - Path





Apocalyptica - Hope

Everything is OK

Even if it’s not.

24 hours and not the former television show, can produce a lot of blog material. Yesterday late afternoon Trauma Queen fainted again. I thoroughly felt bad for her as I was the one who caught her mid faint and carried her down to the floor…and received a nasty scratch and bruise for my efforts.

I stayed with her performing semi basic paramedic responses – wiggle fingers & toes and take deep breathe. She was out for a short time but kept my voice going while she was out and until the paramedics wheeled her away. The on duty attendee was a bit shaken but handled it well while I kept TQ calm, focused and breathing. This I thought was proof that maybe she wasn’t entirely faking.

I sometimes wonder if there is a part of me that has died. I was completely calm and non reactive during the entire ordeal. It never even crossed my mind to freak out. It was if I was doing something I have done a thousand times before. It actually worries me a little that not an ounce of me was worried or freaked out.

Much later that night in the wee hours of the morning TQ was released and came home. Her arrival wasn’t what I would have expected. For starters I thought with a concussion the hospital would keep her overnight. Second she was pretty lively for someone who has fallen and fainted three separate times in less than a week.

Moving on…

The next morning it was my turn for a visit to the hospital. Not a trip I was looking forward to but a necessary “I need my medicine” visit. However the visit turned out to be more productive then I was expecting. Turns out the hospital has a program for people who have zero income. Furthermore people in shelters get same day temporary approval. So I didn’t have to wait (suffer) without my medicine for days. This has been one of my top three major concerns recently – housing, jobs & how I would get my medicine that keeps me alive.

But before I found out about the program I couldn’t help but start down the same old corridor to insanity way of thinking. What if they don’t provide my medicine? What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to live without it? As always when I let myself slip into that kind of thinking depression quickly slips in… and thoughts of wondering if I would truly be better off dead than constantly fighting to live. Truth is I wish I could. But I have some kind of element inside me that is a survivor and won’t allow me to give up or genuinely kill myself. I’ve tried unsuccessfully and failed without even the decently of the necessity for an ER visit, so suicide is not an option.

But that is neither here or there because the program was introduced to me. But as I always do I think too much and these days have not changed that.

I’m tired of pretending that everything is A OK – it’s not. I’m tired of putting on a happy face whenever I feel people expect it from me. Tired of being the positive one, finding the information needed, being strong and not weak. Even though I know I would hate it, I wish I could be the whiner, the one who needs lots of attentions and help to do everything.

I know that is not who I am but sometimes I just wish it could be.

Bad Day

Sickness & Trauma Queens SUCK!

Woke up feeling like there was a boulder sitting on my lungs.


No openings yet for transitional housing…again


Received a scammer job email asking me for all of my personal identification information


The little boy is screaming his harpy song stronger than usual today. 


Was given a list of employment agencies to contact - over half is work I can’t do or have no experience in…still sending them my resume.


Headache is slam dancing


Trauma Queen took the rest of the saltines into her room… I’m not eating much and saltine crackers have been the only thing I have been eating steadily throughout the day this week. It’s not as if there isn’t an entire kitchen or pantry full of food and beverages so you’d think the bitch could leave me the least expensive snack in the entire fucking shelter!


No drugs so I can’t knock myself out with Nightquil or sleeping aids – FUCK! That could totally qualify as an addiction!


Last night Trauma Queen insisted I feel her goose egg bump where she fell down (again) and knocked her head. Here's a tip - stop falling down for attention! I don't have to touch you to know you have Traumatic Reenactment Syndrome (TRS) - get a therapist not shelter residents to touch your multiple injuries. 


I know that may sound callous but I'm sick of hearing her whine about everything and everyone and listening over and over again to her complaints and issues. We ALL have issues here but now is the time to start the process of getting past them and starting new, not rehashing them every single day. 


Ahhhh - the harpie boy is non stop today!  I even spoke up telling the little boy loudly & very firmly NO! (and putting my finger in front of my lips) - this shocked the boy and his mother for a few moments. She finally took the little harpie outside to annoy the neighbors. 


Headache raging - going back to my room.

Reigning Queen

Trauma & Drama

BBF is the now the reigning queen of, well, trauma. Each of us has been through a lot. Each of us have our own screwed up issues and each of us are here for one common reason. There is no arguing that. But the “House Meeting” was nothing more than The Trauma Queen Bitching Hour. The meeting started out harmless enough.

• How are you doing?
• What have you accomplished?
• What do you plan to accomplish this week?
• Any issues?

Trauma Queen did not only take the stage but stole it and kept it hostage. No one was safe from her tirade. First she bashed the Spanish speaking mom in English so she didn’t have a chance to confront or defend herself and then she started in on my roommate who was asleep. At that point I spoke up and gently but firmly said I didn’t feel comfortable talking about someone who isn’t here to confront the issues.

But Trauma Queen would not relinquish her stage. She went on and on until I again spoke up and said.

“All we’re doing is kicking a dead horse. Let’s agree that both mothers need to be spoken to and move on.”

That worked for approximately two minutes. After that I made it obvious that I was uninterested and let her bash away in Spanish knowing I was probably the target for at least scene two.

I stayed awake for that!? What a fucking fraud!

The next morning I did speak up to the attending staff member… I’m sure not much was done but at least someone stood up and said something. If I just made myself a bigger brighter target then so be it.

What really makes me sick (of her) is that she acted as if she did nothing wrong the next morning. Chatting and happily moaning as she went about her way making sure everyone knows yet again as if we couldn't see it or haven't already heard it numerous times before.... that she is injured.

We get it.... We didn't come here to this place thinking we we're going to be the next Big Sister Reality TV Stars!

{breathe}

Again, I remind myself that I have to stay positive for myself. If she is so desperate for the spotlight of any kind whether it is positive or negative that is her concern. Down the road she will see how negative spotlight hogging is only harming her…I hope. I have to worry about me and just me. If I can help someone with something I know, great, but it is not and cannot be my responsibility to point out the better path to anyone.

Time to start making transitional housing calls.

Normal Life?

Staying Positive

One of the most difficult things to do in a shelter, any kind of shelter is staying positive. It really amazes me how many of the women here have and are taking advantage of the shelter. I’m not saying this is the norm for all shelters just the one I happen to be in. My roommate and I both truly appreciate and understand how lucky we each are to be here. We understand that the shelter is paying for the roof over our head, the food we eat and the utilities we need to cook food and do laundry. However, the current residents seem to only take advantage of these offerings... and yes I have my own complaints but I still understand how lucky I am to be here instead of on the streets literally.


Communal living isn’t for everyone so when you feel you have no other choice but a shelter you have to be prepared for making sacrifices that you may not like. Communal living means pitching in for everything - that includes cleaning, cooking, conserving resources and even watching children playing outside. I’m not saying free babysitting but if you see a child doing something not safe, tell the mom or tell the child no. What I am witnessing is that the residents do not seem to recognize that they are part of a hive that depends on the entire hive working together as one and not constantly bickering about what one person doesn’t like.

These two distinctly different attitudes and or approaches are what I believe will be the difference between “normal” life success and potential future returns to a shelter. I’m still attempting to locate a transitional housing program for a non addict female who is not a single mom.

I’m discovering new articles across the US that show there is obviously a need for both family and single person shelters. However, what I am discovering in my own search is that single parents and addicts are still the outreach targets for programs. While homelessness has been a big problem for more years than I could research, the new crop of homeless are people that anyone could claim as neighbors or friends… and the resources for this new crop of ‘Homeless’ is not being met. The new crop of homeless has just as much chance (possibly more) at becoming profitably employed. Not because of their current skills but because they too are willing to learn new skills and get back into “normal” life.