Things You Should Know

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not as a shelter resident. Do people forget, never learned them or simply don't care? If the last is the case, why should those who manage the shelters care about the residents?

I don’t know why the little house / shelter resident things are bothering me today but they are. These are things I have seen at the other DV Shelter as well and now seeing them here. Statistically the residents are different. Is age and culture the difference? Maybe so. How or why do some people forget what environments they came from after a few days to a week and try to enforce their way of living on others... isn't that what we DV woman left?

Consider this
 If it is not ok for us to be made to feel and or physically made to do things our now ex partners wanted us to do, why would it be ok to try to force anther resident to act or to do things we want them to do against their will / preference?

This list of should but don’t know things should be obvious to everyone, but it’s not. Is it because we don’t own this place? It’s not ours; we don’t pay money (rent) to be here so we do not feel obligated to care for it while here? It’s annoying. It’s really annoying that we’re given a free place to sleep, free food to eat, free beverages, free utilities and even free clothing when available and all of this does not include the free resources were given such as free medical care and often step in much quicker than those calling in for an appointment that do not live in a shelter. Uggg I thought my time at the beach resolved some of this but apparently I need an extra dose.

SO

Things that people should have already learned by age 21 but seems like they haven’t…at least not in shelters.

Close the door - The house has two doors, a security screen door and a standard door – close one of them. Flies suck and they’re annoying when they buzz around your food plate when your trying to eat. Plus we have fruits and vegetables on the counter and California has fruit flies – they’re dangerous. Shut at least one of the doors.

Bathroom Privacy - If the bathroom door is shut, knock first, wait to see if someone answers and than wait if you hear someone say they’re in there. DON'T try the door yourself to see if your kid was just making it up. When someone says several times, “Just a moment”, that means give that person a moment to finish their ‘business’ before entering the bathroom.

Dirty Hands - Washing your hands really is a necessity after using the bathroom, especially and specifically for children. They should absolutely be washing their hands after using the bathroom each and every time. I can plainly see what the kids are doing and its worrisome what I can’t see them doing and than wanting to grab and play with me (as all kids like to do with adults who are not their parents) knowing / suspecting their hands haven’t been washed since their bath the night before – GROSS!

Rocks Are Not Toys - Throwing rocks inside the house is not a good idea. Throwing rocks at your brother /sister is really NOT a good idea. I can remain silent on a lot of things but that is not one of them. If you breed them, care for them.

Priorities - Your kids are more important than your makeup and or dying your hair.

Eating Habits - Kids really do need fresh vegetables. Canned dinners and frozen cartoon chicken nuggets is ok occasionally but seriously… the stuff that grows from the ground isn’t (shouldn’t be) optional eating choices.

The shelter took you in because you said you were being abused physically, mentally and or emotionally. That means you have a choice between getting your little life luxuries and continuing to be a victim or being in a safe place with generic items and an opportunity to make your life better so that later on you can afford to have your luxuries without the abusive spouse / partner…which one is more important?

Free doesn't mean you get to abuse it 


If you’re getting things for free appreciate them and don’t bitch about the things you’re not getting. The shelter only offers the 99 cents store type shampoo and conditioner instead of the $5 to $9 shampoo and conditioner – wah. Its free deal with it.

Think about other people than yourself  - You’re not paying rent, utilities, food and referred to medical care when needed as well as encouraged to apply to CalWorks or GR…this means you’re getting money and Food Stamps on top of getting free food and rent… Don’t take advantage of the shelter freebies. Don’t write your name on something the shelter provided for all of the residents to share, help keep the place clean, tidy and request only a few cheap / inexpensive items to compliment your Food Stamps. Do not horde the free items so you can stock pile the food pantry when you move out and into your own place. That’s simply wrong.

Mind Your Own Business - You are here to help yourself not police others to act the way you believe they should act and or do the things you believe they should do. If you have a safety concern, inform the staff. They staff will make a decision. If they decide that your concern is not / will not endanger you or others accept it. You don’t get your way simply because you complained about it.

People Are Different -  If you don’t understand it than tolerate it. Tolerate that they are different and let them be. You don’t have to accept that they are different from you only let them live there with you without your comments, bitching, complaints or stressful nagging that they should try it your way…even after they have and still do not agree with you. Leave people alone that you don’t like.

Think first, act second -  If you’re confused about this, ask a shelter staff attendant.

Nit-Picking

She hasn't been here even 24 hours and she's driving me batty. Complaining about everything the DV Shelter doesn't have, provide or offer and refuses to even hear out a different opinion then her's. Now she's blaming the DV Shelter for not having a dryer with proper drying settings which shrank her clothes. I finally made a sarcastic reply and said matter-of-factly "I'm just glad I'm not still getting beat up."  Of course this annoyed her because she simply wanted to know if I knew how to set a non setting drying machine.

Of course all of it is rubbing me the wrong way. (from a previous post)

"The DV Staff have been saints to me. They scheduled me to see a real doctor who actually cares (female) and not only gave me medication for the {back} pain but referred me to a different hospital for x-rays, counseling and physical therapy. If it wasn’t for them I honestly believe I would have been thrown out on the street by Homeless Hating Hospital and left for the street vultures." 

In addition my former roommate who is from the Middle East made me aware of one very important difference. In her country your choices for domestic violence is stay and put up with it or live in the streets. In America, we have choices. Even if the choice doesn't include my own room, a closet full of my clothes or new clothes and even if it lacks some much appreciated furnishing (such as a garbage can in the bathroom), it is a solid roof over my head in a good area, groceries to keep me fed and everything is free including violence free living. So nitpicking / complaining about the little things gets on my nerves.

"If you don't like it, go back to your abusive partner."

True Blood

Explaining True blood and why I laughed during the scene when the preacher was on national TV was a bit difficult. My roommate has never heard of and therefore never seen the show. I find the parallel moments of fiction and reality morbidly funny.

Vampire Terrorist – an individual that doesn’t represent all vampires
Conservative Bible thumping Vampire Hater – preaching that the vampires have shown their evilness

Sound familiar?

I stopped my show (I watch True Blood online) and I explained the premises of the show as best I could. Trying to explain the humorous side of what I believed to be the writers taking real life and exchanging the names and characters only is amusing to me.


This led to a serious discussion about how much America has changed since 9/11 and how anyone different is looked at with suspicion and even scorn. This is especially true for anyone of the Middle East…and how sad it is that so many Americans regardless of color, race, culture or religion has chosen to stay afraid. That so many have chosen to give up precious rights for government control in the name of freedom. I’m not saying that strict security shouldn’t exist. However, the ideology that if you have nothing to hide, then you have no reason to NOT allow the government into every aspect of your life is simply misguided and wrong.


But I couldn’t allow the conversation to stay so serious and sad… so I brought out the comedian in me and almost made her choke on her food a couple of times. With peanut gallery comments / editorials, I told her about the silly and sadly true conspiracy theories some believe about Jews…

• They’re from out of space
• They’re the ones who stole the Twin Towers and are hiding them
• They possess precious Jew Gold that is more valuable then common gold

Then I told her about Achmed the Dead Terrorist and how it never said Female Virgins “Holy Crap!”
…and I finished with an introduction to The Darwin Awards

She laughed and laughed and I think it was good for her to just let in a little silliness.

of the House

Drama Drama Drama 

Trauma Queen has been able to convince at least one person that she is the continued victim and is being unfairly targeted for all sorts of meanness. Her Case Manager is also my Case Manager. Case Manager spends so much time attending to Trauma Queen that maybe she has voluntarily given in and chooses to believe her because it’s easier than seeing through the BS and seeing the truth.


My Case Manager asked me how I was and instead of gifting her with a Trauma Queen expected response I told her the antibiotics were working. I’m sure that is not what she was expecting as she stopped texting on her cell phone and looked up at me with a question in her expression that translated into “is that all?” I didn’t add anything to my answer other than to say I was there to take my medicine.

The three transitional programs I called that I know for a fact have an opening…. I was told by my so called Case Manager, that they no longer had an opening. I plan to call first thing Monday morning and again talk to these three shelters and write down the name of the person I speak to and give those names to my so called Case Manager with a request to call that day… subtly telling the program manager I have found openings.

...and it continues...

Trauma Queen is missing her disgusting soap that has sat in the bathroom shower for at least a month and is now missing. I’m sure it was thrown away as it looked too gross for anyone to want to use. I went into the kitchen where my roommate told me of the newest Trauma Queen Enemy of the House – her. TQ asked if she knew what happened to her soap and my roommate responded she had no idea…

TQ said “I knew you would say that,” and stalked off.

{sigh}

My roommate and I talk about real life issues and unfortunately this has become one of them. I reminded her that her only concern is her and her children. Nothing else matters but providing for them and herself. Just as nothing else matters for me except getting myself back to an acceptable living level of happiness - providing for myself.

She made a statement that I can’t help but sadly agree with and relate to. When you have people like Trauma Queen in the world you can’t help but question whether or not you even want to try to get to know people. However, I pointed out that I can provide an admirable example of why it is worth it. I pointed out the differences between her and myself and stated that even with our differences we get along wonderfully.

“Thats why it’s worth getting to know new people.”

Some Things Remain The Same

Children

Children in the center of themselves are simply children. In moments such as the one I’m watching now you can see how children are children. Regardless of what culture, religion or language spoken, they laugh at the silly cartoons, they’re delighted when they play and they gather to watch in wonder and suspense for the (age appropriate) scary shows.


Some things never change…until they’re older.

Normal Life?

Staying Positive

One of the most difficult things to do in a shelter, any kind of shelter is staying positive. It really amazes me how many of the women here have and are taking advantage of the shelter. I’m not saying this is the norm for all shelters just the one I happen to be in. My roommate and I both truly appreciate and understand how lucky we each are to be here. We understand that the shelter is paying for the roof over our head, the food we eat and the utilities we need to cook food and do laundry. However, the current residents seem to only take advantage of these offerings... and yes I have my own complaints but I still understand how lucky I am to be here instead of on the streets literally.


Communal living isn’t for everyone so when you feel you have no other choice but a shelter you have to be prepared for making sacrifices that you may not like. Communal living means pitching in for everything - that includes cleaning, cooking, conserving resources and even watching children playing outside. I’m not saying free babysitting but if you see a child doing something not safe, tell the mom or tell the child no. What I am witnessing is that the residents do not seem to recognize that they are part of a hive that depends on the entire hive working together as one and not constantly bickering about what one person doesn’t like.

These two distinctly different attitudes and or approaches are what I believe will be the difference between “normal” life success and potential future returns to a shelter. I’m still attempting to locate a transitional housing program for a non addict female who is not a single mom.

I’m discovering new articles across the US that show there is obviously a need for both family and single person shelters. However, what I am discovering in my own search is that single parents and addicts are still the outreach targets for programs. While homelessness has been a big problem for more years than I could research, the new crop of homeless are people that anyone could claim as neighbors or friends… and the resources for this new crop of ‘Homeless’ is not being met. The new crop of homeless has just as much chance (possibly more) at becoming profitably employed. Not because of their current skills but because they too are willing to learn new skills and get back into “normal” life.

As Fast As You Can

Resident or Case Manger?

I was asked that question by the new woman who just moved in..... Something to think about.


I might be giving the shelter a bad 'look'. Since my case manager can’t or won’t help me find transitional housing I’ve been doing it myself. I’m not one to sit on my ass and wait to be handed anything. Well… I believe that a few of the programs I’ve called are wondering and maybe asking...

“Why is she calling us? Why isn’t her case manger calling us?”

Even though I am still two and a half weeks away from my ‘time limit’ and was told that if I can’t find a place I wouldn’t be kicked out, I am being pressured by my case manager to find a place and fast.

Not everyone who needs help is an addict or a single mom.

Pan Fried Pizza

My roommate is still relatively new to the states… and American cooking or convenience cooking is still a very new concept to her. Last night I showed her how to ‘make’ instant mashed potatoes. Today she bought herself and her kids a Tony’s Pizza from the grocery store. She offered me a slice which I welcomed since pizza is normally a no no for me. After I finished I took my plate to the sink and noticed she pan friend the ‘Ready in minutes’ pizza.

Never thought to pan fry an instant pizza but it worked.

It’s the little things that we can learn from our new not originally from the US neighbors.