No Title Can Explain This

I’ve been thankfully very busy the last couple of weeks. Mostly because I can’t stand being at the DV Shelter…yes I am still there. I refuse to give up. I deserve the same services as any other Hispanic woman and I’m not giving up.

In the time since I last wrote

• One non Hispanic women leave (and go back to her husband) because of the bullying from the one resident.
• Lost our heater in our apartment (Non-Hispanics are not housed in the same place as the Hispanic women.) Only got the actual heater fixed because we complained so much.
• One of my roommates left for anther shelter because she couldn’t take it & went to a different DV shelter.
• Anther of my roommates was falsely accused of making threats against the bully
• Didn’t have a bathroom of our own for three days

…and I had to sit outside in the freezing cold at night at a fast food joint near my day job to work (2nd virtual job.) I was told that if the mom wants to let her child be destructive and offensive to the other residents that is her right and only the residents can ask her to allow it. But then when my roommate did she was accused of threatening her.

The good news is that the bully is gone. The sad news is that the new resident is drinking Vodka in her room…she’s Hispanic so it’s ok.

She’s young, drinks, and barely pays attention to her toddler; treats her more like a toy than a child. Plus she talks and texts with some guy and the very next day she came to the shelter she told this guy where she lived. All the things we were told would get us kicked out…she’s still here.

I’m being stubborn. No non-Hispanic woman has ever gone to transitional housing from here since I’ve been here – none. We deserve the same services as they do. My roommate left because they wouldn’t help her find transitional housing that wasn’t really just a homeless shelter. They tried that one on me as well. Thankfully one was too far to get to work and the other was too close to my ex.

My latest roommate now also sees what is really going on. She didn’t really believe what our (previous) roommate and I told her when we advised that she be her own case manager and find help herself, now she does. She’s working with an outside agency that is working with her to move her forward.

What am I going to do? I don’t know. I just started working both jobs and I have lousy credit. I have a cell phone to pay and I need a new laptop (I really do.) Should I just quit and move to a different city and start all over at a different DV Shelter? Not what I really want to do but I don’t know. This place is wearing me down.

and the racism escalates

I woke up Tuesday morning to be told that we (the white residents) have to bag up all of our items including bedding and wash every single clothing item. We were told that we have bed bugs - a lie. I had a doctor's appt and work so I had to stay awake until 2:30 in the morning and wash my bedding. Then woke up at 8:00 am to start washing more clothing.

Today (so far) I was told the one Hispanic woman who started all of this vindictive has now accused my roommate of threatening her and the children - a lie. And I found out my transitional housing was not faxed in as I was told it was.

I am probably going to have to quite my job and go to anther state... no place to go here and I suspect the racist staff member is blackballing me from getting into a transitional housing program.

Fake excuses

As I predicted they made up a reason to get me out... I'm not allowed to work more than a couple of hours a day. Since I work 10 - 14 I'm violating the rules.

Doesn't say that anywheres in the rules they gave me when I first came. That was never told to me. It was not brought up when I told them I had the jobs...only after I called them out on the BS. Hmmmm The Dirty Secrets of Domestic Violence Shelters I wonder how many people I could get to anonymously contribute stories. Staff and residents alike.

No matter, that is a thought for anther day. Right now I'm freezing my ass off in the cold working virtually.

It’s War

I just started a war.

Tonight I was pushed too far. After all of the non Hispanic woman complained and those complaints have continually been ignored it got worse. We were told that we are the residents it’s our job to figure it ourselves. However we have tried that and even though the problems have escalated the staff will not step in. I am now forced to go to a public café, spend money I shouldn’t just so I can earn a little extra money online (now only $2 at most after buying a coffee and website service fees for the contract work I do.) So a $4 job which is a lot less than half the normal rate for what I do for an hour (not cyber sex) is now only $1 or $2 depending if I have to take a bus there and how much a coffee or soda costs. In addition it’s now freezing. I have no money for a winter jacket but oh well. If I want to make that $1 or $2 an hour as well as continue to push my career further that is what I have to do.

The Hispanic women are hording food in their rooms and so today I made myself five sandwiches so that I could at least have one sandwich a day for lunch…but I’m lectured about it even though all of the non-Hispanic women have complained about the food hording and food wasted by them and their children for at least a week.

I’m forced out of the house and into the cold and I’m expected to do an equal share and more so of the chores. I told her no. I said I would clean up after myself but that’s it. I said it is not fair that I’m being told to deal with it and that’s that. "It's a shelter and you have to make sacrifices." But the Hispanic women don't? So it's ok that they are screaming, kicking, throwing, punching, defacing the property, refusing to allow the other residents to watch tv, waste food and horde food and making it impossible for all the other residents to be in the same room with them...what sacrifices are they making?

If I don’t have an equal share of the house common areas, or the food and if my comfort level does not matter and if I have to spend extra money just to work and suffer the cold because of it than I will not share equal duty in caring for it. Especially when in the past I have gone above and beyond in volunteering to help out with computer issues, extra chores and have even bought and donated items to the house because it was needed.

Angry? You betcha.

Tonight I looked up the program director and emailed her. There was a limit of characters and so I wrote that there were serious issues being ignored and in my opinion there was racial favoritisms happening – with my phone number. Will I get kicked out? Yea, probably. I can’t possibly imagine not being kicked out after that email. But enough is enough and someone has to say something…why me? Because I’m a fucking martyr. I may come out of the internet closet after all… I’ll contact some newspaper journalists if I’m kicked out.

Selfish

Huge amounts of food has been going missing and residents such as myself are getting less and less. 3 huge packs of sandwich lunch meat and a 40 hot dog pack went missing only 4 days have it was purchased.

Yesterday the DV Shelter bought a big box of fresh vegables and fruit.
Today all but a small container of grapes is left.

The selfish soon to be ex denit's wife has been taking the food and storing it in her room and probably her car. We told one of the staff members but I won't be surprised if yet again, nothing is done about it. All two other residents and I are left with to eat is canned food, condiments, a couple heads of lettuce and macaroni cheese...which I can't eat. Tomorrow is grocery day again and I have no doubt that will change.

...and as I type this the little girl is "playing" rough. Full out punching the older boy with all the strength she has... But it's only playing and mom is ok with this. Anyone wondering why we live in such a violent world?

Smart People NOT Welcomed

I am really sick of the prejudice that exist in domestic violence shelters. If you (a DV Victim) are not Hispanic or under educated you are not expected to be a domestic violence victim. I have seen repeatedly how Hispanics are being given extra services or told about services that non-Hispanics are not told about. Examples

There is a mailing service in California where you can set up an account with so that all of your mail is routed through their office and forwarded to you. I only learned of this service through the program counselor (not Hispanic.)

Three of the Hispanic women 2 without kids and 1 with kids were all transferred to a very nice, brand new transitional housing where each resident gets their own room. I’m told it’s not available.

The snobbish Hispanic woman here can easily afford to buy her own groceries. She requests food items from the weekly grocery request list for her singular use and receives them. One resident asked for brown sugar so she could make coffee cake for the house and I have asked for Rice Milk so I can eat cereal and have neither requests were granted.

The other residents and I (non Hispanics) complained about the rapidly increasing rudeness of this woman and what she is allowing her daughter to do…nothing. They only told her we complained and we now have dirty dishes in the sink from her, flies around the kitchen because she now won’t empty the trash or get rid of cooked grease or half eaten food. Now it’s worse.

And now I’m told that I have to cancel a day of (brand new) work because the transitional housing doesn’t want to provide m e a morning time appointment to do an intake interview. It’s not like I have a one day opening only. I’m available any day in the morning and any time on the weekend but I’m told that if I’m serious about getting into a transitional housing program I’ll take whatever appointment they give to me.

In addition, there is a questionable atmosphere rereading my employment and new virtual internship – they don’t like that I’m working after their curfew time even before I enter their program. Apparently they prefer non working under educated people to go through their “work training” program. I’ve glimpsed their “work training” program. For people who have never worked before or are newly recovering addicts it’s a great program. But if you have any higher educational at all, even a certificate program it is like returning to grade school from college.

Their curfew is 6pm and apparently the night is filled with so many bad elements that even breathing them in to and from work is not allowed. Internet at the housing other than in their ‘computer lab’ and under their watchful eye is deemed inappropriate. God forbid I look at some website other than EDD or Craig’s List for fabulous (below entry level) jobs and great religious (im)moral roommates.

This is so wrong.

I wish I could outs myself here. I am in no way saying I’m perfect or even near it and I'm not saying I'm better. However I do a lot of good work , work related projects and self awareness things that honestly works towards a better world for kids and adults. However all that is viewed of me (how I feel) is that I’m white, I’m educated and I’m a bothersome women that they have to deal with and put somewhere but will do so with as little resources or assistance as possible.

It’s wrong.

Fucking Rude

The staff brought us a whole chicken that is way too much for one person, so one of the residents and I asked everyone if they wanted to do a potluck dinner (DINNER.)


The former doctor's wife said she would join in and we were all delighted because she has been snobbish and rude towards the rest of us. However come Saturday and she is just being nothing but rude and inconsiderate.

Everyone knows I wake up and go into the common areas every morning at the same time. Today I woke up late at 9 am (much later then I normally wake up) and she tells me I can't go into the common area because she is cleaning. I tell her I have work to do and I can't put it off. She says five minutes then. Ok, fine. I give her ten and go get my medicine.


I set up my computer and go to the kitchen to take my pill and she says again I can't go in there. I show her medicine and tell her I need to take my meds. She sighs heavily and says again, five minutes. OK than... She is really bossy.... She than tells the new resident to go wash off the entire backyard and proceeds to tell her how to do it and what to do. The problem is that she tells her to do it by turning on the hose right as one of the residents is outside with no shoes on. Rude things like this have been happening all week long.


She starts making her potluck dinner stuff and we're like um ok. It’s early but sure. She dones around 1pm and we than start our cooking (a resident and I) We spend the entire afternoon cutting, mixing, stuffing and cooking and as soon as it's almost done she announces that it's too late. Lunch is from 12 to 2 and it’s too late now. I tell her it was a potluck dinner, not lunch but whatever. She says she's going to the park and will be back later.


I really don't care anymore. We (other residents) have tried to be nice and she has done nothing but rude and inconsiderate to us. We have spoken to staff about it and all along I have said I don't want to get involved because of what happened before with the previous resident (Special K). But now if the other resident tells staff I will back her up. I really feel like she has metaphorically spit on me and I'm done. I'm going to avoid her as much as possible but I know me and confrontation is something I very much need to work on. I don't handle it without having an attitude.


We're pretty sure she is not even from an abusive partner as she is going to a university (education), divorcing her husband (no police report,) doesn't attend any of the support groups and her daughter is in private school...she is just here for free rent.

Change of Life

The good news is that I will only be set back by a week or two at most. I can probably start my new job on Monday but I will have to bring with me a back pillow. My new boss is being really understanding about this so there is no worry that I won’t be starting a new job.

But with the back injury comes changes. For starters I’m now taking calcium supplements and will be doing so for the rest of my life. If I ever planned to jump from an airplane or bungee jump, that is now not a possibility. Thankfully, being a human piñata has never appealed to me. In addition to the more strenuous activity loss, I will also have to start going to yoga for daily stretching to ensure that my muscles are both stretched and build up a bit more muscle strength.  Lastly, I’ll have to wear a brace for my knee, both ankles and a bathing suit with back support if I want to go swimming in the ocean.

So all in all… expensive but not done for. 

20 Best Islands To Live On

I’m sitting in bed prompted up by two pillows and a blanket underneath and I’m reading the number 20 of the magazine Islands – 20 Best Islands To Live On. I promise myself that I will visit each and every one of those islands someday… someday by the time I’m 60; that is my new life goal. But for now I’m laid up in a domestic violence shelter bed with a pinched nerve after spending the last two months recovering from a herniated disc injury, again.


We have two new residents and one is already a bit miffed with the current one that I'm not overly fond of either. The main complaint - her child having hourly temper tantrums and having fun of common area literally bouncing off the walls. I tell her what lesson I learn and was told by a staff member. "Your here for you and just you. Don't worry about anyone else but you."


I go to explain that I'm as friendly as I can be but I avoid conflict to a fault. Its just not worth it, I say to her.


The other new resident is young and I think a little naive. She was telling me what she thought the shelter would be like describing all the scary things "bums, drug addicts, men and women sharing one big room, gays."


Gays? You classify being gay with bums & drug addicts? Oh boy.... I kept my mouth shut {avoid conflict} I just nod my head. I think instead of all the "It gets better" ads we need to have a campaign with positive, good influence / role model type gay people do an ad to show all the Hollywood stereo typing of gays & lesbians is bullshit. This is why people who are gay are afraid to come out.


So I won't be starting my new job until probably next week...until my back recovers enough to allow me to sit at a desk for a few hours. It sucks, but I won't be defeated. Its only a setback.

Fall

Sneezing, aching and miserable time of the year.

I hate the Fall due to my health limitations and this Fall weekend has brought the WTF inside the house. I hope it leaves soon.

We have a new resident but she’s only here for a few days. She’s going back home to family out of state.

The other resident who is still here is mind boggling. She apparently knows how to cook but every time she pulls out raw food she puts it on the top shelf in the refrigerator. Doesn’t everyone know, at least all people who are cooks know that you never put raw food on the top shelf? Even if it is in a bag? If it leaks it leaks from top to bottom and ruins all the food underneath it – YUCK.

I believe one of the staff members finally told her that she has to share in the cleaning of the entire house..she actually mopped once. Of course she did it during the time she knows I work and it was super annoying, but I kept my mouth shut. I don’t need the stress.

Brownies for breakfast… oh yea, that’s nourishing for a 5 year…and you wonder why your child is bouncing off the walls and screeching like a banshee.

My back is giving me tremendous amount of pain and I’m really hope it’s just the cold as I suppose to start my new job tomorrow afternoon. But every time I get up I’m in agonizing pain and even dizzy - not good. I’ve tried sitting up for my computer and it still hurts horribly. I can barely concentrate on what I’m doing it hurts so bad.

General Relief (GR) - what a joke! The "workers" they hire literally cannot do two things at once, have short fuses, are bitter and have to be talked to like a 3 year old. I wish was over exaggerating.  I had to spell my last name which is not hard twice. I called her because she left a voice mail for me to do so and then snapped at me for calling her telling me she can't do anything until Monday.

So I can't even get my stupid $160 to buy myself business clothes until a minimum of Wednesday. GROW is suppose to help with that but because the  (GROW) worker barely understands English said she won't even talk to me until she receives notice from my (GR) worker who can't or won't look for the stupid report until Monday. Then it gets approve (2 to 3 days) and the 2 to 3 days is in theory. THAN I can go to my GROW worker (make an appointment) for employment assistance. I was told by someone in line that in actuality it can take up to 2 weeks to approve a stupid monthly report and go through GROW for employment assistance...and it doesn't matter that the worker never sent it to me.  

Uggg - bring on winter already.

Weeds don't stand a chance

Yesterday I was told that my crazy ex with a bruised ego that Mr. Superior Then Everyone Without A Degree who is probably definitely going to jail for his attack on me may have given me tuberculosis (breathable disease.) So all day from morning to night I was throughly worried that I had a disease that while curable is very dangerous to those with asthma. 

There is no guarantee that treatment will work, treatment is long and sometimes nauseous if not straight out painful, antibiotics and asthma is not a good combination and it’s the only way to cure tuberculosis and finding the right cocktail of antibiotics is performed the same way as it’s done for HIV – “gee let’s see what happens when we mix the blue pills with the red pills with the yellow pills after breakfast but only after you take the pills that are striped or.... is that the other way around?” 

However.... I did receive notice last night that NO I do not have it - thank freaking gawd and every entity in the universe. 


Today I did finally meet with the owner (employer) of a company I thought was blowing me off. She was busy and with a cold and so on.... or so I hope because i accepted her job offer. The last thing I want to do is go job looking again. plus the job is full time with benefits in 2 1/2 months. 


Transitional Housing


I am up for a transitional housing but it's not the one I was hoping I would get. In fact it seems like I'm being given the least favorable one even though I've been the one resident who has worked her ass off to find a job and better myself. I hate to say it but it seems as if because I am not Hispanic I am not being offered a space in the new transitional housing program where residents have their own room and kitchen sharing abilities. 


Instead I'm being offered a bed in a big room with other female residents with a cubby hole space thing to put my clothes and stuff in... right....   The last two residents both went to the same brand new shelter in a very nice area, with all kinds of resources and both were Hispanic and both are not edible to work because they are both illegally in the US. How is this fair?  


I'm going to have to rent a storage unit nearby just to keep anything of value to me and take my laptop with me whenever I leave. :(


Digging my frustrations


Got back from the community garden where I volunteer for an hour each week. The hour using a hand hoe and hand shovel (or whatever they’re called) to dig up weeds and loosen up the dirt really helped to get my mind on the last two days of stress. The green onions have really grown and are ready for the kitchen. The radishes have another week before they can be pulled and today for my part I planted Mustard Greens in the area where I got my stress out. The weeds didn’t stand a chance.


Today I took home some Chocolate Mint leaves for tea tonight.

Just smile and walk off

I feel like I'm walking on glass. I shouldn't have talked to the night counselor about what I found out about my ex. I was freaked out and I know I'm paranoid and for a good reason. But there is absolutely no evidence that he has any clue where I am. I have a huge traffic fine that is preventing me from companies that do background searches and the only way for me to get it reduced or even released is to go through Homeless Court... So I have to stay here in LA County area to do that. If I'm relocated I'm relocated potentially to a different state because my ex has friends and family in other SOCAL areas.

The current resident is grating my nerves. She doesn't clean up anything but her own dishes and thats it. She expects others to do the normal house upkeep cleaning - namely me. I almost snapped at her when I asked her if she could mop the floor this afternoon because I wouldn't be available to do so...and she told me repeatedly to clean the microwave.

{smile, just smile}

I need to keep it together so I can convince the DV Shelter manager I over reacted and get into the transional housing.

speechless

Woman shot repeatedly by her estranged husband


A woman repeatedly shot in downtown Santa Monica by her estranged husband, who was later killed by police, was fighting for her life today.

Police refused to name the woman, but said she was hospitalized in critical condition.

Witnesses said she was shot at least once in the back of the head, and again at close range in the upper body once she was on the ground.

She apparently had just left work at a Verizon Wireless office on Seventh Street near Santa Monica Boulevard when she was shot while sitting in her car about 6:15 p.m. Friday.

The woman managed to get out of the car, but was shot at least one more time.

As few as six shots and as many as dozen were fired, the Santa Monica Mirror reported.

Police soon found the gunman, identified as 33-year-old James Stephen Ramirez, and shot him dead in the 1400 block of Ninth Street after he allegedly shot at them.

Crap

The DV Shelter I live at may ask me to move for my own safety and if I do its out of the SOCAL area all together. I understand it would be for my safety but... it sucks. I may be over reacting...and I may not but I don't know. They would help me relocate but... do I want to convince the manager that I'm not in danger? Am I in danger?

He hasn't contacted me in any way or form. He hasn't contacted any of the few people I'm still in contact with. I've deleted profiles and changed cities in all of my social networking profiles. So am I over reacting or under? I don't know.

Selfishness?

Am I being selfish by wanting to stay within the greater Los Angeles area? I lived and left my ex-boyfriend where resided in one of the larger districts / counties. But I came back because this is what is familiar to me and where …as much as I bitch about it, is where I love to live. But am I being selfish or even stupid for not leaving? That’s the question I’m seriously asking myself.


Through the grapevine I was told about a blog post he wrote and so I checked it out for myself (through a proxy server.) Anyone else who reads it would take it as what he said it was – a rant (full of lies) about me. My first impression was that it was so incredibly false that he was trying to lure me into commenting on it or to contact him. In the past I probably would have, but never again.

However, as I read it I saw the anger and violence behind it. I could visualize him getting drunk, kicking or throwing a few things and than going online to rant about the evils of me and the innocence of him.


I’ve deleted a major local social networking profile that held my picture and known online name. I’m also deleting some of the other ones that can be replaced easily. Each of my profiles that I do use regularly for personal or work related stuff (job hunting, intern work & volunteer work) lists a different believable city in which I could be residing.


Am I being stupid? By staying here am I putting myself at risk? I don’t want to start over yet again. I’m on the verge on landing a really good job and getting into transitional housing – which is a separate rant but seems unimportant now. Technically I'm pretty far from him. However I’m still only an hour (or so) drive away. Do I want to throw away everything because of one suspicious blog posting?


The prosecutor is going after him with or without me. I don’t want to be involved, I want him and all of that to go away and never show its ugly face again. If I allow myself to get involved it opens up a large can of filth for him to use against me. I am a serial domestic violence dater after all. As facts, my past can easily be used against me and I don’t know, I’m pretty sure I’m not strong enough to withhold not being emotionally destroyed from it. So I’m not going to contact the prosecutor. I may and a big may it is, mail official affidavits with my statements but that’s as far as I’m willing to go. Even then, I would have to go to a different county to do it so that a trail wouldn’t be left behind to track me.


What I don’t trust our government to protect me? No, I don’t. It not only didn’t protect me from my mother but throw me back into her house telling me that I bruised myself and broke my own arm. When I went for help with my second abuser, no help was offered. I was never told I had options. So no, I don’t trust that the good ol broken red, white and blue protectors will protect me.


Maybe that’s why I’m a little disgusted / disenchanted with the women I see and live with at the DV shelter. Because I know they have been given a chance to have a new life and they take it for granted.


If one of his friends sees me and they tell him where they saw me, I may be in serious danger. But I also don’t want to move… but I may not have a choice. I’m going to sit and wait and watch. If I think he could / will come out to find me or if he blogs messages that escalate farther into being dangerous to me, then I’ll leave immediately. Otherwise, I’m sitting tight. I’ll get the job, potentially using a business identification number instead of my ssn and save my money. At least this way I’m building up a savings to run if I have to.

Assumptions

When we first met, I didn't assume you were the maid simply because your Hispanic. So don't assume because I don't have a child to care for that I will and should clean up after you and your child. 



Annoyed

I continued to be amazed that some women who come to DV Shelters do not understand that they should clean up not only after themselves but share in the responsibilities of caring for the place that is providing FREE housing, utilities and food. Is it really too much to ask that you mop at least every other day? Or wipe down the counter and tables?

I really honestly don't care that your husband that you left because he was abusive is a doctor. You didn't bring a maid with you so learn to clean up and take a fair share.

:/

Denise The Menace

I never thought I would say this but... I prefer the rowdy monster playground / house crawling, beat each other up brothers to the current 6 year old Latina Dennis the Menace.

Her mother literally hand feeds the girl. She's six years old!?
Her rubber ball? Rubber balls are not suppose to make noise but she can make them sound off by bouncing it loudly... in the house, on the stairs, against the walls. Was Alice Mitchell  the Alice from Go Ask Alice? I know I could be after a few weeks of this. Oh wait, I'm the grumpy Mr (Miss) Wilson.  

On The Upswing

The needle looks like it’s moving towards the drama red section again. Two residents moved out but the very young woman with three kids won’t be leaving until tomorrow. Generally she’s pretty nice as a person but on average way too laissez-faire about parenting / watching her two youngest “rambunctious” kids. I’m honestly surprised one or both hasn't been rushed to the ER yet for a head injury or even a broken bone. They genuinely run amok and literally all over the house. They are kids and they will do what they do until they truly understand it’s not ok…and if they’re not told it’s not ok they’ll keep doing it until they’re rushed to the ER and figure out that what they did was painful.

On a only slightly different note…

I understand I'm sharing the same space with the kids but I feel that does not grant me or place on me some minimal amount of child responsibility simple because my physical preference is there. Yes I will and do say something when I see them just about to do something that can and probably will lead to an ER visit; such as trying to skateboard down the metal slide. Or climbing up the side of the house while his brother tries to add and remove rocks from his pockets… yea… that's when I will say something. But if your child is rocking back on forth on a chair the end result can only have two outcomes. Eventual boredom or falling back and knocking his head on the wall behind him. Guess which one happened?

I was distracted on my computer in my continued pursue of never being in this situation again. If he was my child, yes of course I would have paid better attention to him, but he’s not.

“Please don’t expect me to watch him simply because I’m at the same table as him. Also, if he’s up and around and climbing the counter for some fruit and you’re still sleeping, please don’t get mad at me for getting it for him. If he’s hungry in the morning and you’re not around I will provide him something healthy to eat until you wake up and fix him breakfast.”

She leaves tomorrow for a transitional housing. One I would really like to have. I cannot help but be jealous and mildly annoyed. She has no intention of getting a job and can’t get a job because she is here illegally and so far has shown no intention to become legal but is receiving CalWorks. I spend almost every single day self-studying and looking for a job. She’s a very nice person but I cannot help but think it’s unfair that she is receiving resources that she may never pay back or contribute to the system that supplies her food and money. Yet I’m selling the last of my valuable possessions simply so I can buy a bus pass to continue to go to job interviews.

General Relief – You don’t get your actual appointment with a Grow Worker for a minimum of 3 weeks which means you can’t get bus transportation assistance until week 3 and that is only AFTER you attend Orientation which can take up to 2 weeks to schedule…OH and your worker can decide not to give you bus tokens until you start attending the Grow Job Club which on average takes up to two months to get into. SO 13 weeks just to receive assistance to get a job while you the recipient receive a whole whopping $160 to $220 a month. Ok… feeling jaded, must stop that.

To end this on a happier note…

I have two major job interviews next week. Both of which are not just bring your resume and look and sound professional. I have to print an application for one, my resume, references ect… on nice paper and place inside a nice professional folder and get to the interview and back = $$

Oh wait where’s the happy? I have two interviews with two very good companies. One is only seasonal but there is always a chance of permanent position being offered. For the other one I hard core professionally sold myself and have a pretty good chance at. I'm meeting with the partners some time this week. So the happy is that I’m employable with good skills.

Visualization

This is what I’ve been working on for the last two weeks. Not the gaudy book The Secret or “do you want to attract money with your mind?!” scam. But being positive, visualizing and building a new foundation for myself and forming a new life for myself through visualization. Words are the sharpest weapon and the easiest to use. So trying to prevent and stop myself from negative thoughts and trying only to think of the positive is harder to do than say you’re going to do.

The new things I have started
The first was writing down in general terms what I deserved to have and what I wanted and what I will have regardless of the ‘how’.

The nest step (for me) has been discontinuing day dreaming about physical attacks that could (not really) happen to me. When these thoughts start I almost physically push them away from me and remind myself that they / it will not happen.

Another Step - Writing down how I want to feel

• In a job
• In a transitional housing
• In everyday life itself

Realizing that a foundation needs solid quality materials. For me that mean no more junk food (I have health problems.) If I do have the occasional junk food, then do something to counter react it or add something better (healthier) afterwards.

I feel better about life in general and I do see more opportunities. But after a life time of living within poisonous trenches and feeding off mostly poison…it’s a lot harder to stay on this path then people realize. It’s not just hard, it’s fricken ridiculously hard.

This is one of the reasons that each morning I’m meeting a small group of people to discuss more spiritual positive living. I’m finding that waking up early (Monday through Friday at least) is helping me to start my day off right and helping me to stay positive.

Wish List

Did I include my own place?

One of the residents has two kids who are loud, messy, and obnious. I have never said anything because hey... they're kids and why bother. The one time I watch my tv show and actually laugh I'm asked to be quite. Serisously? It wasn't even 8 pm :/

Uggg